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My AH is trying all the time to blame me. He says I throw away his documents, clothes and valuables. Before Al-Anon I believed him, and tried to remember if I have not thrown in the trash his stuff.
One day he told me that I threw in the trash his shirts, and I believed him. I bought him two new shirts. And then he "found" his old shirts, because I do not throw them in the trash.
Then he said that I threw it in the garbage his property documents.
It happened after I threw my old papers and he saw it.
He accused me of this for many months, and I became quite exhausted, unsure of myself and desperate.
My self-esteem has become very low.
Then his papers were found at his lawyer.
He did not even bother to apologize to me.
Now he says that he lost the old national costume which cost a lot of money.
Sometimes I throw away his old clothes.
But I know it do not throw this thing.
I told him about it.
I also said that I do not want to talk about it.
Then I left the room.
When he started talking about this, I went over and over again out of the room.
Yesterday, he began to talk about it when we were in bed. I wanted to sleep and he continued to speak and accuse me and said I was a witch.
He said he did not believe me and do not rely on me. I felt very sad. I could hardly sleep.
I do not know how to stop this terror.
In the coming Saturday we have to go to the wedding of his niece. The journey takes 6 hours. I am afraid that he will continue to blame me all the time travel. I will not be able to get out of his car.
I started to think that I do not want to go to this wedding.
Wow. That sounds like a very difficult situation. My wife has kept me hostage regarding things too and it is not a pleasant experience. My wife has been in a constant battle with her mother for many years. When she talks about her I listen but I don't always comment. She then gets extremely angry at me and tells me I need to feel a certain way about her mother. I basically have to have the same raw hatred for her and if I don't then she gets out of control angry at me. When we go out her mother inevitably comes up in conversation and if I don't have the "correct" response the evening becomes a nightmare, especially if she has a few drinks. I have been held hostage in the car many times listening to her scream and yell about me not being supportive or having a response, etc. Now that I have been on these boards I think avoiding the hostage scenario is the best idea. It may not always be possible but finding ways to remove ourselves from abusive situations is extremely important.
Dear Salvie, I am so sorry that this insanity is plaguing your life at this time. As you know alcoholism is a cunning baffling and powerful disease over which were powerless. Now I know you're not a Witch - because if were you could just wiggle your nose, and make his lost items appear. .
I learned a painful lesson about taking care of my hubby and his with things, when he was constantly accusing me of losing his stuff. I made the decision, simply take care my papers , materials, clothing, etc. and leave all his responsibility in his corner of the room.
I found that many times when I was discarding material I was multitasking and really did not pay too much attention to what I was doing. Because of this, I really was unsure what I had thrown away and what I have not. In working the Steps,this turned out to be a bugaboo for me and I had to learn to be very present as I was doing things so that I actually did know what I discarded and what I had not.
I'm sorry that your sad and concerned about driving so far to the wedding. I would suggest making gratitude and asset list , sharing it here or with your sponsor, and then pray about your decision regarding attending the wedding.
If you do decide to go to the wedding. You can draw boundaries as to the conversation in the car simply by saying that is in the past, I don't want to discuss it any longer. I am working on it. I don't want to ruin today by getting into an argument. That has worked for me. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Aloha Salvie...There isn't much info on your bio page so I don't know if you are a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and are attending or have the literature and a sponsor and the like. Living in the disease without backup and support is impossible so I relate to where you are now thoughts and feelings.
The disease of alcoholism is defined as "....of the mind..." in part and so yes it does affect memory even if the alcoholic doesn't have a good memory to start with. Alcoholics naturally are blamers and normally without a program of change that blame goes out on the nearest most blamable person...the spouse.
I was taught in the program that if I feared and resisted the situation coming up..."don't participate" or "participate in another way" Don't go or go some other way. I like the suggestions of change a lot because I get the freedom from the fear in the disease and from the alcoholic and get to participate in the celebration.
At first I didn't know if I could do the change and over time found not only that I could and then I did. The alcoholic/addict wife didn't like doing it alone so she had to make other choices for herself too.
Early recovery also use to ask me the question, "Why do you TAKE blame" in other words..."When she hands it to you...why do you assume its yours and then you take it"? That was a wake up call for me and I stopped receiving blame that wasn't mine or even considering it. If the alcoholic is a very sick person...mind, body, spirit and emotions it shouldn't be running the bus.
I understand. My alcoholic used to accuse me of the same things and I was always very careful with his stuff or I asked him first before I discarded something and then he'd deny that he told me it was OK to toss it. It's all just part of the insanity that is alcoholism. As Jerry mentioned above, you don't have to take blame. You can let them say what they're going to say but hold tight to your truth. If you know you are in the clear and did nothing wrong, then all that matters is YOUR truth because that is what you know is right.
I had to work with my sponsor on stuff like this because it was so crazy making to me and damaged my self esteem. Keep coming back to program, keep finding healing, and you will someday see the light at the end of the tunnel!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
You don't have to go to the wedding. Just making sure you know that, or at least consider it. One of the thinigs I did (and sometimes still do) pre-alanon is think that i "have" to do something, when I really don't. If your husband is abusive to you, you can leave that situation, or even better, proactively make it not happen, such as not go to the wedding.
Your husband is trying to make sure that no blame can be attached to him, and you are the closest person to whom he can do this. And you have willingly participated in it, without really thinking about it. Most of us are programmed to let things slide so that the other person can feel better. But after they take advantage of it time and again, it is time for something to change. It sounds like you are starting the first steps into that. Good for you!!
My wife did this for many years because deep down she was ashamed that she had a problem that she couldn't stop, that had ensnared her, and nobody had any real sympathy with. Shame is what drove my wife. Fear is what drove (drives) me. the further I can get from fear, the better, and that usually includes a proactive plan of action in situations like you are describing. Understanding what drives my fears, and what are things I am just assuming have to be done, vs what really does have to be done.
Keep coming back, and if you can get to F2F meetings, great. What I am descibing above is what you will find out as you work the steps.
Thank you all for your support and wisdom.
I decided not to go to the wedding of my husband's niece. Before that, I told him that I do need a break, that his words have influenced me greatly that I have no desire to again expose myself to the possibility that he would accuse me of his loss during the trip.
Yesterday I read a lot about self-esteem, acceptance of unacceptable behavior in the Al-Anon literature. I went to the meeting. And guess what was the topic of yesterday's meeting ...
"Unacceptable behavior"!
Once again, I was convinced that God is always with me. He guides me through life. Through friends in Al-Anon, I am learning to live in a new way.
Thanks again! I want to hug you all!
Great choice salvie I think I might have done the same!
My A would forever accuse me of throwing out or using up his things too; it was really insane. Or he would say my daughter had taken them. It was very upsetting.
Hugs to you. I hope you can do something nice for you instead of going to the wedding!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
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