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Lots of anxiety over here. I feel like I'm constantly in fight or flight mode. Does anyone else deal with this? My wife f bombed me and I told her not to and that I don't like that language. Then she told me she didn't say it. What???? I'm in the twilight zone. Am I going crazy?
No you are not going crazy This is the disease in action. "Denying reality" is a tool used to escape dealing with life and engaging in an insane argument is what feeds it.
Remember we are not trying to change the alcoholic or prove them wrong-- we are changing our behavior to protect ourselves and our sanity.
Glad you came here and shared now it is important to know you are sane and to be gentle with yourself and Let it GO.
What I went through was no, I wasn't crazy however I had some crazy behavior for sure.
What Alanon taught me to do was figure out what MY truth is and stand quietly in it. If my XAH calls me a rock, does that make it true? Only if I believe it. Am a rock? No, absolutely not. HA HA .. I'm absolutely rocking .. LOL .. that's my truth and I own that part of the deal.
My XAH would run around spouting how CRAZY I was and seriously it took me a long time before I was able to say NO, .. I'm making different choices, and yes, I have had crazy behavior in the past I no longer live there.
Can you get to a face to face meeting?? That's where I found the best support with a sponsor. These boards saved me when I couldn't get to a face to face meeting and I'm so grateful for all of the people here who have touched my life. Even if I don't have much to say I can always learn something.
Through the meetings I was able to get literature, focus on slogans and figure out minor questions like who am I? I couldn't tell you what I liked to eat or if I liked movies or what my favorite color was . I'm sooooo grateful for Alanon because it has meant tremendous growth I had not been doing for a while.
Hang in there it will get better, just keep coming back.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Early Al-Anon language of the disease included the terms lying, stealing and cheating. That fit in my relationship with my alcoholic/addict and then when my sponsor taught me to expect that and not the opposite...tho I didn't like it much it lost its ability to surprise and hurt so much. With practice we get better.
wow I know how it feels to have knots in my stomach and a racing brain from the craziness of alcoholism. My ABF comes out with really weird stuff and I questioned my own sanity. I was that stressed I had panic attacks this is how it impacted me. But al anon and the serenity prayer helped me to explore the reality of my life. I loved someone who had alcoholism and became more and more mentally ill the more he drank accepting this and my powerless over it really helped. Then I needed to find my hp to protect my own sanity and change the things I could. I was so tired and hurt and alone I needed hp and all the love and support of al anon. Today I do feel I am being returned to sanity by a power great than myself hugs Tracy xxxx
Thanks, everyone. I finally feel like I'm regaining my sanity and that is one of the best feelings in the world. I need to sort out my boundaries and find what is acceptable and unacceptable talk. I think for the sake of reality I'm going to have to accept obscene talk to some degree as long as it is not in anger and towards me. Personally, I don't like hearing the f word but I don't think she's ever going to stop using it fully. Later on last evening it slipped out a few times again in general conversation with no emotion behind it and no kids in the room. I'm not trying to sound like an over-sensitive prude but that kind of talk DOES offend me and I can't be around too much of it. I'm not saying that I never swear when someone cuts in front of me on the road or I hit my head, etc. I'm not perfect, but I don't like it in daily talk.
One thing about my wife too is she CANNOT under any circumstances handle any type of criticism. None. She says she always feels judged. If I walk into the house and she has a wine glass next to her she feels judged even if I ignore it. If I tell her gently not to use the f word around me she feels judged. I hate that because then I feel that I can't say or do anything without feeling like I'm always "judging" her. I'm not judging her I'm just asking that she control her tongue around me. That's not judging. That's asking for someone to be considerate. My wife is a very sick woman.
I never disagree with the AH any more... even when he's WRONG I say "you MAY be right, let me think about it and get back to you" then I walk away. He hears that he's right and he shuts up... but I know the truth and that's all I need.
BTW when I don't take name calling or abuse I am very careful about the wording and I keep it netural. "name calling is NOT acceptable" no attack on him just the generic statement. AND I do not tell him "he can't do it or not to do it" he has EVERY RIGHT to call me names.
I have EVERY RIGHT to say "name calling is not acceptable and we are done for t his evening" then never discuss it.
IF you say "the f word is not acceptable" and you walk away then she can't deny it as you are not there to hear her denials.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hi Hillyard, just a comment on your last share about your wife, feeling guilty when you walk in the room and she has a glass of wine or she uses the F word
I need to always remind myself that we are each responsible for our own feelings. If I feel angry or resentful because of the language that someone is using or that they are drinking that is on me and I am responsible to take care of myself by honoring those feelings and dealing with them.
If another person is feeling guilty because you walk in the room and the person's drinking then that is on them and if they use the F word in your presence and they feel uncomfortable that simply means that they know that drinking and the F word causes problems with you and they are doing it anyway.
What they are looking for from you is for you to accept their behavior unconditionally, either by joining in drinking or using the F word as well, or telling them that this is perfectly all right with you.
Since joining program we are asked to keep the focus on ourselves , stop living in denial and be truthful and honest, cosigning their behavior is no longer a viable option. Explaining to your spouse that she is free to behave in whatever fashion that she chooses but you are taking care of your own self-esteem and self-worth and are no longer going to listen to verbal abuse or join in drinking.
Her feelings are her responsibility and then making Al-Anon phone call or come here , share to take care of your feelings
You are giving examples of behaviors of a very sick person. You already stated that. What make you feel crazy is trying to phrase everything in a way to not upset her and to "keep the peace" as such. Detachment is a tool. You can say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. This program is for you. Not to find ways to placate the wife or make her realize the error of her ways.
Just for me, this is what I would have to do for myself in these situations:
If she stated she didn't do something she obviously did. "Well, you did do it. It's not up for debate. I don't appreciate it or lying about it. No need to talk any more about it." Then walk away and refuse to listen to garbage denials and further lies.
If she started on the "Wah...you are judging me!" I would be inclined to say "I'm concerned about you engaging in harmful behaviors and I love you. If you perceive that as judging, I'm sorry but that's not my intent. So we don't need to continue with you complaining about being judged since I have told you that is not the case." Then from that point on - "We've discussed this before...you know my stance" and then walk away. I might also be inclined to say "It is not my responsibility to sugar coat everything for you so you don't feel judged and so you can engage in behaviors which violate my boundaries. I don't have to like everything you do, but I love you and recognize these are your choices. Let's not have this discussion again." Then refuse to engage in the "you are judging me conversation" and refer back to the above. She is trying to engage you in discussion where you are forced to enable her and say "Oh...I am so sorry for being the bad guy and judging you! I love you so much...You never have to be accountable for your behavior and can keep being a childish emotionally immature and manipulative alcoholic." (That last part was obviously not something you say but that's the underlying message when you tip toe around and placate unacceptable behaviors).
These are boundaries. This is how you break away from the prison of constant degradation and devaluation from being with an A. They won't like the boundaries at first, but you speak your truth honestly and kindly for you and then leave their nasty reaction, childishness, and disease based behavior/response to them.
Yesterday's ODAT was about judging. Thus my meeting last night was about why all the wives in the room were so angry about that reading. What I came away from that meeting with is that we are not judging when the FACTS are there and staring us in the face. That is not judging. That is just seeing the facts.
When we think we are judging someone else, what we are really doing is making a judgement about ourselves and WHY we are feeling that judgement.
So you don't feel you are judging her because you really are not even thinking about the judging. You are just seeing the fact that the glass is there.
She is actually doing the judging by accusing you of doing the judging. It is kind of round-about way of getting a point across. Don't even try to explain that kind of thinking to her. Just walk away.
The wine glass is there. 1. Maybe she is drinking it and 2. maybe it is a decoration in the room. Facts are facts.
It is possible she doesn't remember it. That doesn't alter the fact that she did do it. For me, I would say something like "I remember it, if you don't remember it, perhaps there is something wrong with your memory, or you are blacking out. I was not blacked out, I'm not crazy, and if you do it again, I will leave the room. It is unacceptable, whether from you, my boss, a family member, or a random person on the street. If you are doing it while blacked out, it doesn't matter i will leave the room anyway." then don't engage further, you have just stated something you will do, and it isn't up for discussion.
As far as feeling judged, I discovered that there were timed I was judging her. She used it against me as far as excuses to drink. Joining Al Anon helped my judgmentalness quite a bit, because I started to understand that she was sick, not that she was bad, or just trying to make my life hell - that was just a byproduct of the disease.
There are many things my wife didn't remember, some legitimately others not. Sometimes they can have walking blackouts. My wife had seizures, all kinds of low blood sugar problems, and walking blackouts.
