Verbal abuse is still abuse!  It's unacceptable.  The problem is there's been no personal boundaries around this issue for a long time.  This is our part.  We've allowed folks to abuse us.  We've taught them how to treat us.  I've been there myself.  Start looking at your wife as a sick person and don't take the verbal assualt personally.  It's all a reflection of her and her issues.  Now, the question is what are you going to do about it?  You've acknowledged there's a problem here. 

What I did was continue to work on ME(meetings, steps etc...) and prayed for answers from a power greater than myself.  I also talked with others to gain some clarity and perspective.  When  I started to put myself back together the answers came.  I knew what to do, when to do it and felt confident in doing it.  Be patient!  Changing YOU and your life takes time.  We all like to fix things immediately(instant gratification).  But, recovery takes time.  Your on a journey not a sprint to the finish line. 

Keep posting!  It helps all of us.

ladybugnessa wrote:

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Well my husband stopped trying to kill me when he got sober. Sadly that did not stop him from being verbally abusive and calling me names.

I go to meetings. I've learned "catch phases" to diffuse him "you MAY be right let me think about it and get back to you"


but what has helped the most is NOT taking the abuse. WHEN (he has been home since the beginning of february and what used to be a nearly daily event has happened twice since then) he calls me names or is verbally abusive I no longer stay around him.

When he starts with the abuse I say to him "Name calling (or whatever it is) is no longer acceptable in our home WE are DONE for the evening" and then I absent myself from him. I so far have just gone up to bed and to watch TV away from him. I do it WITHOUT anger and I think that's the key for us.


If I am calm but refuse to accept his behavior then he has NO ONE To fight with or scream at. He gets no response and this is not what he wants.


when I next talk to him or see him I do not bring it up or hold it against him. I just act like everything is perfect. So far it's working for me.

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 I've started doing this over the past few weeks that I've been back home.  I've also shared the same success as you, but even a step further. 

 

After I let my wife know the conversation has turned into an unacceptable one, I distance myself from her by saying something like "I cannot accept this name calling/insulting conversation.  I'm going to go away and we can talk about this another time."  Over the past week, I've had to do that quite a few times.  The new thing is about 10-15 minutes after I walk away, she has found me and apologizes for letting the conversation go sour.

 

Verbal abuse and other abuses are designed to keep others away and are fear centered.   Yeppers the abuse comes from a fear core...and a sense of loss of control...Over coffee??!!...over almost anything.   When the angry person is yelling and cursing imagine them holding their palms up hands to us saying "get away or stay away".  If you care to and are able you can ask in a normal voice, "What are you afraid of"??  Don't accuse or defend just ask quietly and then shut up and listen.  Even if she/they deny fear the behavior is about fear...not the coffee.  Oppositional Defiant people act like this (from personal experience) and they don't easily accept a fear explanation because fear tries to confirm a weakness and inability to control their surroundings and consequences.  Alcoholics and addicts are weakened by the chemicals and fail a lot on the mind, body, spirit and emotions levels and FEAR is the core negative emotion in alcoholism.

I learned to ask that question and learned compassion and empathy for people who needed to use those "get away from me" verbal and non-verbal tactics.  I learned a bunch of other tricks like avoiding the shout out and diverting toward asking "Do you want a hug"??  That doesn't solve their issues and it does say I am nothing to be afraid of.

Setting boundaries on verbal abuse is for you.  Verbal abuse is scary and who likes to be scared...who likes to be afraid? 

Since I could visualize my spouse or other while abusing me raising their open hands in a "stop...get a way from me" position I learned it was okay and even healthy for me to fulfill their wishes.   I could and would turn away and walk away.

I also learned that the behavior is most easily done to a loved one/enabler and repeatedly because they knew they were love and we would continue to keep coming back.  Sick thought and picture and then love actually allows and even causes us to do that.  Read our stories here and in the rooms and we can see that clearly.

"What is scaring you"?   "What are you afraid of"?    

(((((hugs))))  

You all are beautiful people. Thank you for the responses.

Thank you for posting Hillyard.  Everyday I deal with the same thing, the verbal abuse .... but since I diffuse and state that the abuse is unacceptable (at the time it happens) I noticed the AH is now struggling to control what he says to me.  It does work when you work it!  {{HUGS To Everyone}}

Hi cowenc, welcome to MIP. if people treat me like that I leave, mom,dad, wife, whoever. Otherwise I'm giving them implicit permission to treat me like that.

I recommend you try an Al Anon meeting, it helped me understand who I can change (me) and who I can't (everyone else).

Kenny

It is so refreshing to hear these comments. I may post something similar to what follows in my introduction (I'm a bit of a newbie), but just had to say something here. My wife just asked me for a divorce after 6 years -- a process she is doing everything to control (taking some things out of the house, but not everything, telling me to take care of certain things, water certain plants, be here or be gone at certain times, and not even telling me where she is living, etc). We have run a sanctuary for special needs animals for years and now I have been left to deal with all of it -- that's ok, in some ways, as the animals give more than they ask. Anyway, for all these years I thought the situation with my spouse was "complicated." I grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts and thought after years of therapy I "knew what to look for." She passed all my tests for basic health: she had a good job, volunteered for the poor, was physically fit and didn't drink. Little did I know she just stopped when we met and wasn't getting any support. When she did start drinking again I didn't see any changes at first. I say it was complicated because she started having grand mal seizures intermittently throughout the night. She didn't remember this, of course. Having a Ph.D. doing research is second nature to me and I wanted to help her with her problem. Long story short, when she was 18 months her Christian Science parents let her linger and die with bacterial meningitis. when she was non responsive they panicked and raced her to the hospital 5 minutes away. The doctors said she wouldn't make it. In an emergency operation they removed part of her infected skull and drained around her brain. The doctors said she would always have mood problems, learning disabilities, seizures, etc. Her folks through out the meds and never told her. Though there is more to the story (rape, neglect, etc.) she began medicating with alcohol. So, now I knew some years into the relationship she was an alcoholic, but her horrible verbal attacks "Weren't her fault" because of the brain damage. It was always something other than alcoholism and I made constant excuses for her. I became the mother she never had (as her own had let her die as an infant), her researcher and medical advocate, her alcoholic caretaker, never offering resistance or consequences to the most vicious, vicious tirades. Because she knew me so well she knew just where to eviscerate me. She would often say she didn't remember what she had said when she calmed down. Once, she kicked the door down when I tried to walk away and get peace in the other room. She slapped me away when I got "too close" to her during one of these episodes. We continued to call them "seizures." But then I realized she would be able to answer the phone and suddenly be completely normal. I allowed myself to continue to put up with it, turning more and more inward and shutting down -- a coping mechanism from my childhood. Now she is angry that I am shut down. I realize I need to get myself together and invest in my own well-being. I want to stop absorbing this abuse and allowing myself to give "medical passes" because it is easier than dealing with reality. That is why I am here online, seeing a counselor, and going to Al-Anon meetings locally. I am hopeful with support I can heal and see more clearly. Whew -- didn't mean this to be so long -- guess I really needed to talk!

Welcome, spooky, I appreciate your well thought out, honest introduction and do believe you'll be able to find fantastic support in Al-Anon meetings. You are not alone and connecting with others who understand as few others can, really helped me break the isolation caused by living with the insanity of this disease.  It also gave me new and constructive tools to live by.
I do hope you keep coming back because there is hope.

Thank you to you and those who posted kind comments!  I will stay around.  I have never found people who understand!  I wish people didn't understand -- if you know what I mean -- because it means they have felt the pain and confusion that I have.  I hope we all heal together. XO

Cowenc welcome. My MIL and mother are both sick
Women. I have had better luck with my mother than
MIL. I am currently getting divorced MIL has played a
Big part with that. My ah went running to her for support
Against me.

It has been 12 years of marital discord.They joined forces
against me. Its not them its me that Is the reason for all
his unhappiness not that he is a dry Drunk and he is not
Emotionally sober. He attends AA now but no real
Changes.

I gave my mother healthy boundaries she did not like
Them. So now i really limit my conversations and time
I talk to her on the phone. She would absorb me if she
Could.

My MIL i never had any luck with her, she has surprising
nastiness. She is belittler, untreated Codie, full of isms of
the disease. She is now my dry ah biggest enabler and
codependent. She is also thought of as a pillar of the
Community i generally do not mess with her. She is
Vicious if crossed or her reality is challenged.

I hope you can attend face to face meetings that will help
Save your sanity. We need to change and grow to become
Strong against these emotional bullies/ abusers. The disease
And its dysfunction Beats us down and does enormous damage
to our inner selves.

I call myself the doormat come alive but it took awhile to
Come off the floor. I had three of them circling me it was
Not pretty or fun. My ah and I had a fairly good marriage
For 18 years then things changed in our lives. Now a very
Bad 12 years.

Hey Sookie, my Sponsor taught me that line too!  "I'm sorry YOU feel that way." Nice when you see and hear reminders from others with the same message.

Mirandac & Cowenc, I've learn that it's always going to be my fault in the eyes of the sick and suffering.  My Sponsor taught me that one too.  He was right!  It's so much easier for them to point the finger at us as the problem then look in the mirror and see the truth.  Very baffling diesase.........

You are correct!  Sane and rational thoughts is a gift of The Program.  I went through the same with my X.  Instead of coming to grips that it's a family diesase and we both had to recover and grow to be successful, she took on another mate who NEEDED her and filled her void(temporarily).  They are no longer together and she continues to search to fill that void with outside things.  Not willing to look in the mirror.  She's the same if not woarse than 3 years ago when we divorced. 

It's hard some times to accept powerlessness over another person.  I wish things were different, but I have to continue taking care of the only one I have control over and have faith that this is God's plan. Practicing acceptance and faith. I do get fearful of what the future holds.  I get caught up in projecting and trying to figure everything out.  Playing God- one of my shortcomings.  God has been good to me since I sought him.  I just hope this is a growth period for me.