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Hello, everyone. I'm very new to Al-Anon but I think it's something I'm going to need to be a part of. I have been married for almost 19 years. About 10 years ago my wife began to drink in response to the divorce of her parents. I was drinking at the time too but I eventually slowed down. I still drink but it's only like two beers on the weekend and I never get drunk. Maybe I should stop that too. Anyhow, my wife has a long history of family dysfunction - Sexual abuse, parental divorce, multiple marriages (mother), BPD, etc. Being married to her all of these years has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I feel that I am codependent and need to break free from that. I don't know how. She has done a lot of damage due to her inability to be socially stable. We are Christians and we have done more church-hopping than ever because she just can seem to remain stable in a congregation. She's great at meeting people but has no ability to have long lasting relationships, except obviously with codependents like me who are afraid to challenge and show real feelings. I'm starting to feel angry now as I look back at my life and see all of the chaos. It is affecting our children too. I need to learn how to be fearless and quit being so passive and needy. I'm also looking for a local group to join. If anyone has any advice or can talk with me it would be very appreciated. Thanks.
Hi Hillyard! Glad to have you here with us. Acknowledging a problem is the first step in finding a solution. Alanon is the solution for codependents and folks like us who've lived with the diesase of Alcoholism. I would suggest finding meetings in your area and use this site as a supplement. Part of all our recovery is helping one another. Together WE get well. Alone we stay sick.
Thank you! I can't believe I am just now taking this step. Sometimes I believe things aren't "that bad' but then something happens and I realize they really are pretty bad. That's where the confusion cones in. It's like my wife seems healthy one minute and then the next...
We are affected by a diesase that tells us we aren't affected. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. I know for me, it takes a certain amount of pain before I acknowledge a problem and take action. It also has to do with fear. We get so comfortable in our way of life that making changes seem impossible and very scary. That to me is the diesase also. It's a fear based diesase. We have to acquire a faith. A faith that will allow us to take risk and step from the known into the unknown expanding our comfortable zone. The faith is acquire through Alanons 12 Step program.
Welcome Hillyard, Mike B has given you some powerful suggestions that I too would like to validate. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings that are held in most communities, have helped me break the isolation caused by living in the insanity of the disease and given me new and improved tools in which to respond to life.
Instead of reacting, Learning how to keep the focus on myself, while treating others with courtesy and respect also restored my self-esteem and self-worth.
Please keep coming back and sharing you are not alone
Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the comments. I will definitely look into a group. I know I need to work the steps too. What else can I do in the meantime? How do I respond to my wife? Do I make a comment when she drinks? I'm terrible at confrontation. Assertiveness is a skill I need to learn. I also am very fearful. What can I do now during daily living?
Hi again Hillyard, alcoholism is a progressive chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease we too become affected by attempting to cope with the disease with tools that do not work. Al-Anon offers constructive, positive tools to live by and that is why we suggest that we make no major life changes until we were in program for at least six months. We don't give advice in Al-Anon. Instead we share our experience strength and hope in order to find solutions.
Here are a few tools that work for me : Living one day at a time, focused on correcting our own behavior, not projecting to the future or living in the past, reading alanon literature all help.
Learning that we are powerless over people places and things, that we didn't cause the disease, cannot control the disease nor can we cure it, takes time and effort to incorporate into our thinking.
Not reacting to other people's behavior, keeping the focus on ourselves, being gentle and courteous to all our remarkable's tools of this program of recovery.
Treat your wife, with honesty courtesy and understanding knowing that it is important to say what we mean and mean what we say without saying it mean.
I know when I first came to AlAnon I wanted answers, a process and pattern to follow, and I wanted them NOW because I couldn't carry on with my life as it was.
I have learned how important it is to sit back and take my time. One thing that I am guilty of is trying to fix problems that are not mine to fix. There was a reading in Courage to Change a few days ago about being a "zipper" on a parka, and trying to zip the lining in to the wrong zipper. I have found that I cannot be everyone's zipper, and I cannot fix problems that belong to other people. Just like the author of the reading could not zip the liner of the parka to the parka's outer zipper - it just didn't fit, no matter how hard the author tried. Slowing down, taking a step back, and thinking about the situation before jumping in and trying with even MORE effort to solve a problem that is not mine helps me to go easy on myself and keep my attention focused on me and the problems I have that I am responsible for.
One other thing that I really struggle with is the "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean" - it took a lot of practice for me to say what I meant, have the courage to follow through, AND to not get to the point of anger with my wife to say it mean. Here, too, I find that walking away, giving myself time to think things through, and coming back to a conversation when I am ready and she is not drunk is very helpful.
I went to my first individual therapy session yesterday, and my therapist used to be an AODA counselor. She was pushing really hard to me to set the boundary with my wife of "no alcohol in the house". Well, for me, this is working against my AlAnon program because if I SAY "no alcohol in the house" then I am getting myself back into the role of monitoring her general state of drunkenness, trying to find where she hid the alcohol this time, and having to do something about it before I am ready to make the decision to leave or stay in the relationship. A lot of my progress has been related to letting my wife's drinking be her problem, and not letting it take over my life anymore. By saying "no alcohol in the house" what I would be doing is setting myself back up as the alcoholic monitor in the house, and I would be back in the ongoing "Easter egg hunt" for bottles around the house. I'm not saying that I won't get to the point of setting this boundary, just that I am not ready yet, and I am trying to remember to be gentle with myself, take my time, and go easy on myself.
One of the things that I repeat to myself over and over is something I read on these boards - The alcoholic is going to drink. What are you going to do? It was a huge revelation for me that I COULD make that decision for myself, independently of what my alcoholic wife was doing/drinking.
I hope you keep coming back. Sharing here, reading other shares, and going to face to face meetings has made a huge difference in my life, and I hope the same is true for you.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you for sharing that. I do think I need to step back and not act out in anger. I have an extremely long fuse and I never respond the way I should in the moment but I do respond in anger when it finally runs out. I need to step back. I am very angry right because of my wife. She has damaged so many passed relationships, she just goes through people until they don't fit her needs anymore and now this may prevent our son from going to a new school. I just say back trying not to rock the boat for so long and now I'm getting mad. I am angry and I'm afraid. Afraid to hold her accountable and afraid of change.
Aloha Hillyard. I'm glad you also found us and have learned some about Al-Anon which has helped straighten out and save so many of our lives one day at time. We are all related in our search and desire to survive it. Patience became one of the early best choice tools after I arrived in the program. Understandably I didn't know about alcoholism...what it was, how it worked and what the consequences were even as I had not understood that I was born and raised in it. I learned from a closing statement of our face to face meetings that "If I kept and open mind...I would find help" so open mindedness meant I would have to be patient to hear more and learn more, know more and then do better with my part in our disease. My wife then was alcoholic/addict and I went to college to understand more about that (literally). I became respectful and impressed by how the disease works and is so cunning, powerful and baffling. I got patient and I became the student among thousands of Al-Anon student/teachers such as on this board.
We start from somewhere and here is yours. Be humble as you are which for me be teachable. Understand the disease and how the best you do to correct it or fight it, without the understanding of our program actually makes it run harder and faster. Get a Higher Power than Hillyard and search for a sponsor. We need all the suggested help to get thru this without trying to continue to do it alone. Keep your introduction post in front of you...read it as if you are reading the first post of a new comer and see what you think and feel about the man come looking for help.
These are just a few of the many suggestions I got when I first got here and patience was a core. It was also suggested from the start for me to "Sit down...all the way down (in my chair in the meeting), listen, learn, and then practice, practice, practice which I did and then my life changed. When you get to your meeting see if they have a literature table. There are some specific pamphlets even about a wife being the alcoholic and more...often times those are free. There are also many other texts which we use daily (readers) and topic specific and testimonies. Check in with afg.org to see the literature list.
Good luck...good having you here...in support. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 28th of April 2015 11:48:51 AM
Thank you! I do have a higher power and have surrendered to Him. I need the face to face group and the sponsor. I'm a little concerned about what my wife will think if I start going to a group which clearly puts a spotlight on her drinking. I will do it though.
Great reminder of what I also went thru in part when I first found the program...it is a natural part of the fear of not knowing...and then I learned in the rooms that I ultimately was responsible for what I thought, felt and did and the consequences of that. If I stayed sick I was responsible...if I got well I am responsible for that. My wife had just a bit of a guilt knee jerk...just a bit which told me that she knew her drinking and using were problematic. They are alcoholic...not stupid. The knowledge of it ran with her each and every day and led her into rehab and recovery. So your wife knows as mine did. What I told my spouse was "I am going to get help so that I can understand for me". That's it and I went and never stopped. I got my life and sanity back...wonderful.
Hang on to that Higher Power and allow it to guide you through recovery along with all of the tools and people that come along now. Check out what MIP means and how it describes the rest of the family here and what we do and what happens as a result. You're one of the miracles as you choose to follow thru. In support. (((hugs)))
Thank you Jerry and ntd. Sounds like you and I have a similar story, Jerry. I definitely need my sanity back. You're so right. It is my choice to get well. That is major eye opening statement. I want my sanity back to and I no longer want to try and control things.
I'm glad to finally join Alanon too. I've danced around this for years. Oh I am sooooooo angry. Its time for me to find some peace about my AH. Ugh.
I am new to saying out loud to someone other than my therapist that I need help with my codependence on marijuana and alcohol. I am new to finally admitting that I need to work my own program.
How does one start to "work" step one? Is it a mantra? Do I meditate on the concept of powerlessness?
Still working up my nerve to find a face to face meeting.
He's a great guy. I can't stand his addiction. Really. HATE IT.
That's a good question. How does one begin to utilize the steps? I have not joined any groups but I have been reading over the steps and have been primarily focusing on the first 3. Many of these steps I have kind of done on my own, in prayer at least, but not necessarily with my wife's drinking in mind. Right now I am focusing on the first 3 steps, specifically the 3rd. The awesome thing is every time I relinquish control of my will to my higher power I feel this awesome sense of relief like I'm reminding myself that I'm not in control, even though I want to be, and that God is and I don't have to try to be. To me that's a real sense of relief. I can literally feel the knots in my stomach come undone. I am an absolute control freak by nature. I'm always trying to control my environment and the people in it, sometimes without even knowing that I'm doing it. This is how I've been trying to fill my God-void but nothing can fill it but God. He is in control and I need to let Him take over my will.
Kwrocks, I too have been talking to my therapist about all of this but I think being in a meeting will be far more beneficial. I have also been listening to Al Anon speaker podcasts. Those have been tremendously helpful. One of the speakers said it is my choice to stay sick or get better just as it is the alcoholics choice to stay sick or get better. That was tremendous eye-opener to me. The reality being it is all a choice. Sorry if I'm rambling. It's just that for the time I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and the possibility of being healthy is finally in my vision.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. To answer your question about working Step one,I found that the best way to work all of the Steps was to begin to attend face-to-face meetings regularly, Breaking the isolation caused by the disease is important to recovery. It is easy to sit alone and read from a computer screen, attending meetings helped me to connect with the world in a healthy manner. This is a WE program= getting a sponsor and then begin to use so the simple tools suggested in the slogans such as . Live one day at a time, keep the focus on yourself, , don't project to the future or dwell in the past, live in the present moment, stop judging and criticizing.
The more I Incorporated all these small tools into my daily thinking and being, working the Steps became the next right move. I could easily say" I'm powerless over alcohol "but I needed to learn to think know and feel that deep within,before I could move on
When you take a quiet, detached look at getting into the program you can also see that is a first admission of powerlessness. "I am quitting trying to solve this on my own and going to listen and learn from others what they might be doing that works for them. Coming to MIP and making that first shout out is also the same thing. Coming to the program was my first "UNCLE!!" shout...I was saying "I'm done". ((((hugs))))
