Husband in recovery just relapsed. Now what? - Al-Anon Family Group

Steffa · Newbie

Husband in recovery just relapsed. Now what?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

No, you are not being too harsh. You arrived at this boundary for a reason. When you ask if it's too harsh, remember you are asking for multiple people. We often get blindsided by the alcoholic and only consider if it is too harsh for them. What about you? The rest of the family?

It may help to continue checking out alanon. There are online meetings here, but face to face ones are better. This forum is helpful too for any questions.

If an alcoholic thinks they are only going to meetings and are participating for their family, their wife...It doesn't usually last. Most of the time it has to thoroughly come from within. It's not that he wouldn't or didn't want stay sober for you and the kids. It's that he isn't convinced yet that he cannot drink safely...ever. Many alcoholics have to get to the point where their world is so small...Until it is just them and the bottle. Can't blame the job or the wife and family...

For me personally, living on my own was necessary to get sober. I needed to do my own laundry, shopping, cooking, pay bills and such...I had reduced myself to only going to work and drinking. I had zero appreciation left for living with others and how much I forced people to enable me.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Steffa,

I don't think any of us can tell you if you are being too harsh, the only one who can tell you is you. But I think some considerations are what is best for your family, and what would help him most. Your family deserves your attention, and doesn't need the spotlight constantly being stolen by drama. And he seems to need to go to his next step towards his bottom.

I do urge you to go to some meetings, and keep coming back here and reading, posting, sharing experience strength and hope. You will be able to make up your own mind and feel more certain about your decisions.

Kenny

rainbow · Veteran Member

No i dont think you are being too harsh and I support your decision. I found it got to a point for me where i had to consider myself and the kids first or else go crazy. It took a long time for me to reach that point and then a lot of effort for me to become aware of all the ways I was enabling and trying to control until one day I Realised I hadn't even taken step one and that was the day I truly let go and could detach with love. You can do it too Steffa! I urge you not to feel guilty, obligated to be responsible or strong for him. He is a big boy and making his own choices just as you are.

take care, R

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

I think two months to leave is MORE than enough time. I would not even give my spouse that if he relapsed.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Give yourself and your children all of the loving kindness and support that you have been giving to him during this difficult time. If he wants sobriety he will obtain it but only when he is ready. As hard as relapse is, I believe it can be a learning and growth experience for everyone.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I just want to welcome you here and to Alanon. I hope you find something here that helps you. Attending in person Alanon and as many as six different meetings was suggested to me when I was new to the program along with finding an Alanon sponsor who could help me with working the steps of the the Alanon program.

As far as your husband, he knows what he has to do for himself. He knows the way to the rooms of AA. It's really a matter of whether he wants to stay sober. From what I understand, people in that program say they just have the 24 hours in which they're living and concentrate on staying present in the day and keep mindful of their sobriety. In Alanon we live one day at a time too.

You made a boundary with your husband concerning his drinking. Basically, it was if you do this, I will do this. Steffa, alcoholism affects the whole family. In my humble opinion, you are not "harsh" for considering the well-being of your family as a whole. When you made the boundary with your husband you defined your expectations and the consequences if they weren't met and you communicated those to your husband. Sometimes we feel like a big old meanies when needing to follow through with action. You might be met with opposition from the kids and from him. That kind of emotional pressures makes it even harder on us.

One tool of the Alanon program concerning things like this is to imagine a friend going through the same thing. If you could advise that friend, what would you advise. For me, that usually ends up being the action I take. Not always, but I try to let that be my guide most times.

In all situations, Alanon has shown me that the best decisions are the ones I've make based on honesty, respect and fairness. I never seem to be able to get to that place without first reaching out to my higher power, the god of my understanding for guidance. After doing so, my choices become clearer and my serenity returns.

I wish you the best with your decision and hope you'll keep recovering with us one day at a time. (((hugs))) TT

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Steffa, I'm glad that you reached out and shared.as you have received valuable suggestions and information.

Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease.,we also become infected by the negativity, fear and anxiety that it promotes. AA is a recovery program set up for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for those of us who have lived with this disease.

I found that prior to attending Al-Anon and developing new constructive tools to live by ,making ultimatums for the alcoholic was easy, carrying them out was extremely difficult. Iconstantly doubted my decisions and rethought each decision,beating myself up and relenting time and time again.

Al-Anon suggests that we make no major life changes until we were in program for at least six months to a year. That is because it takes some time for us to be able to regain our true self and practice, not reacting, but acting in our own best interest.

You have set a boundary with your husband, so attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, held in most communities will really be helpful in this process.

Please keep coming back as well there is hope and you're not alone

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, I am glad you are reaching out.

AlAnon and Alateen meetings might be very helpful for you and your kids as well.

I agree that only you can decide whether you are being too harsh, and I hope you consider yourself when making the decision. Are you being too harsh on yourself by making this decision? Or are you being too harsh on yourself if you do not enforce the decision you made?

I hope you keep coming back. This message board has been a real life saver and life changer for me!

Steffa · Newbie

Thank you all for responding so soon. It's wonderful to get good solid advice from people who've been there and truly understand. I plan on going to a local meeting tonight. I should have started a lot sooner. I guess I was hoping against hope that rehab would be the end of the nightmare.

Steffa · Newbie

I was able to contact a good friend of his through rehab who I know has been successfully sober for 7 months and counting. I told her he was in trouble and needed support and someone to talk to. It's the only thing I know to do to help him. He might be angry at me for meddling, but it might be the lifeline he needs right now. I know he's in a dark place emotionally.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi steffa we offer esh experience strength and hope.

I am glad you are finding a local meeting. I wish i
Started alanon 30 years ago my ah is dry just not
Emotionally sober. There are no easy answers with
Alcoholics. It is a progressive and fatal disease that
Can be arrested but not cured with abstinence. They
Need their own program of recovery such as AA.

Welcome aboard so glad you will be starting your
Own program of recovery. Face to face mtg is an excellent
Beginning. You will learn so much if you keep an open mind.
Alanon is a program that we learn tools to take care of ourselves
Regardless of what the A does. Healthy boundaries and
Loving detachment among other tools.

It is a program about you and your healing. Your ah is
Your qualifier. There are three daily readers you can
Buy they are 12-14 dollars each plus a lending library.
As a newcomer you need to do nothing but listen no
One expects anything of newcomer. Most cry quietly
And just pass when it comes time to speak. I still cry
At meetings sometimes it okay. Everybody has been
In your shoes one way or another. We all know the
Pain.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Steffa))))) welcome home. Would like to hear how your meeting went and hope you will commit to as many as you can get to over the next 90 days for yourself. That is what I did (experience) not advise. One of the many first two things I learned in program (Al-Anon) was to not second guess myself. Talk to others like you are doing now and will continue to do...listen, learn and practice and another was think of the consequences I wanted before making the decision and action. It seems you have a nice handle on the second now. Our part of this disease is often referred to as enabling or doing for the alcoholic what they can do for themselves there by giving them more time and space to drinking "enabling" the problem to get worse. God was I a master at doing that with my Alcoholic-Addict and it enabled us to loose everything including the marriage and home and jobs etc. It almost became fatal for each of us too. Alcoholism is a fatal disease which can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease in that if not arrested; over time only gets worse and leads to insanity and death for others.

Glad you reached out and found the family...keep coming back cause this works when you work it. smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You reached out to someone for him...ok. He should be reaching out for his own help. Not a bad thing you did...just not really helpful to you. It may have alleviated anxiety trying to rescue or fix but only help he reaches out for himself will matter much. You said you are worried about him being in a dark place emotionally so you sought help for him. Please listen to this:

YOU are in a dark place emotionally. YOU need support. Try and get the focus off him. What about you?! You matter and you have MUCH more control over getting your own needs met than those of a self-sabotaging alcoholic. What do you need for you at this time? Alanon is about you, not about saving him or best supporting him. You don't need to feel so horrid yet still be putting his needs ahead of yours.

Steffa · Newbie

Went to my first Alanon in person meeting last night. Was not what I expected. I assumed there would be lots of spouses like me, but there were plenty of adult children of alcoholics there, too. And almost no one was acting like a victim. I found it very empowering. But it was also an eye opener too. I realize now my own part in my husband's relapse. Both times he drank were triggered by my over the top emotional outbursts and unfair blaming of him for situations outside of his control. And I also realized why he's having trouble sticking to sobriety. He went into rehab, not for himself, but for me and the kids. When I came home, for the first time since he slipped, I wasn't compelled to search the house, looking for "contraband".

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Steffa)))) that must have been a powerful meeting. The affect on you was positive and you changed a compulsion of your own while seeing the disease in another light...Awesome!! Took me much longer to "get it" and then that doesn't really matters as much as we get it at all. Grateful you brought back your ESH. it's helpful. smile

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