The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
3 months ago my husband drove drunk and flipped the car (with me in it.) His court date is this week. His lawyer asked me to be present at the trial and vouch for his progress and sobriety.
When we had that original conversation, I was okay with it. AH had been making progress- using his meetings, sponsor, therapy, etc.
But he is still drinking. I am not comfortable getting up in front of a judge and vouching for his progress.
But- the lawyer says that it will greatly help his cause and his sentencing. I WANT him to have consequences- I do! I am not trying to "save" him from that. But at the same time- I rely on his livelihood as I lost my job (2 weeks after the accident- rough month!). We can't afford huge fines and it would put both of us in financial danger. If he does jail time, he may lose his job.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know what the "moral" and "right" thing to do is- I am not ignorant to that.
And...I can tell what I need to do because I am trying to justify over and over making things go easier on him. He created this problem, and he needs to do suffer the consequences.
((((Bloodshot Betty,}}}} I understand your concern and agree that this is a difficult situation. Swearing, under oath to something that I know is not true is something that I know I cannot do and I think his lawyer is mistaken to ask that you do it.
I'm sure that there are other means available for your hubby's s defense, and I would insist that his lawyer look into them. In fact in most court cases a wife cannot testify against her husband, so that this seems like an exercise in futility.
Remembering that we are powerless over people places and things and that HP is in control, I would be honest with the lawyer is you just have been, and then let it go.
Remember that if he continues to drink, he will almost certainly lose his job either sooner or later. Experiencing the consequences of drinking is what will make him most likely to hold on to his job.
I too am surprised a lawyer would ask you to do this. He is not a very ethical lawyer. In some circumstances I believe your knowingly lying to the court could be considered contempt of court. I wouldn't want anything to do with that.
15 years ago I had to have a meeting with the court sentencing officer. I was taken into the office to have a chat with him. He asked me if my hubby had had any booze to drink since his DUI. I said "yes" because I found the vodka bottles. He told me that my hubby had sat in that same chair and told him "no" to the same question. I started crying because I knew I would be blamed for whatever happened to him. Actually he never found out. He suspected and he said an angry, "you must have said something!" I kept my mouth shut and got busy doing something else and let my anger take me away from his situation. We have never talked about it. (If he reads this post he will learn about it. I'm not too worried.)
We were in the room separately. It was not to his lawyer, it was to a court officer. So our experiences are a little different.
You CAN say in court that there is progress but if asked point blank if you know he has been drinking you have to tell the truth. Perjury is punishable with jail. What if there is someone who is willing to testify that they saw him drinking in a bar? And then the finger gets pointed at you? And then is he going to throw himself into defending you? I doubt it. Contact the lawyer soon and tell him that you have to put your hand on a Bible and take an oath and if they ask, you will tell the truth. The lawyer will change his mind.
This is not about HIS consequences. It is about YOUR consequences.
I agree with Maryjane, let the lawyer know you will not perjure yourself and if your AH would want you to and let you there is something wrong there. Trust in the right thing and trust God will back you up. I back you, Maryjane believes it and we are not the only ones. You cant twist the principles for your purpose, in court or your marriage. Good luck in all and be strong, that is what this is all about.
I think Maryjane nailed it. It isn't quite as serious but recently my A asked me to lie and nominate myself as the driver when he got his 6th speeding fine in a year (licence loss). I was upset and conflicted for the same reasons, if he lost his lisence he would stop working, I couldn't afford the consequences...but I didn't WANT to cover for him yet again. A wise friend said to me, "would he do the same for you?" and that really woke me up. Not only would he not do it, I would never think to ask him to. We owe ourselves better.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I wouldn't even say there has been progress. Going to meetings, having a sponsor, and going to therapy and STILL drinking...I could have this story wrong, but it sounds like he's not even trying to stop and all of that other stuff is for show. That is actually a really bad sign that he would go to all that trouble and still not at least try to be sober. I could get being abstinent a month and relapsing...then trying again...which is not ideal but understandable sort of when someone is first trying to get sober. But doing all that and still drinking? That is like taking a big old dump on AA, the sponsor, and the therapist. Very sociopathic and selfish. So no...I would not even say their has been progress at all either. Probably the opposite. Sorry.
Pinkchip, I have to respectfully disagree. The fact that, even after a relapse, he can get up in the morning and say "I will try again." and do his best to work his program is progress. I am proud of him. In the past something like this would have defeated him- he would have crawled into bed with his vodka bottle and stayed there for weeks and weeks. Both of us have been handling this with determination and dignity and I am quite proud of both of us.
AH is certainly not asking me to lie to him. He told me he will respect any decision I make, and we both agreed I needed to talk to the lawyer to find out what is expected of me. I have a clearer head today and have a plan. I have a strong sense that I am worrying more than I need to, as this is for a gross misdemeanor and we will probably be cycled in and out of that court room in a matter of minutes. I think in my head I'm on Judge Judy- LOL
And Maryjane, I had to laugh when you brought up the idea that someone could see him out drinking or at the bar. I almost wish that were the case! In our 5 years together I have never seen him take ONE drink- that is how secretive he is! PLEASE, would SOMEBODY tell me they have seen him take a sip so I know I am not CRAZY!!! ;)
You aren't crazy. I didn't see my wife drink for a long time, but I developed a sense of when she would go upstairs for no reason - ostensibly to go to the bathroom, but there was a very convenient bathroom on the first floor. I got to the point that if she went upstairs for no reason, over and over, I would follow her, and she would come out of our closet very quickly once she heard me, and later, once she had passed out, I would find a 750ml of vodka mostly gone. I had at least validated that I wasn't crazy, and all this passing out wasn't from chronic fatigue syndrome like I had thought for quite a while.
Then I came into Al Anon and stopped that. But I think I would do that part the same way over, just so I would be able to somehow know that she had been drinking.
God loves the truth! If we're honest, God is in the picture. If we're not honest, we're hiding something and that turns into the secrets we hold and makes us sick. Blocking us from God.
I also practice; if I don't know what to do, I do nothing! This has saved my ^ss more times than I can think of. Many, many things don't need our involvement.........
Wow I love this family and how it cares...We don't give advise however our suggestions are crammed full of ESH...stuff we know about from our own journeys. Though I haven't done this one myself as a therapist I use to suggested it to others who were in similar positions...That entry post you came with Betty? Cut, print, and take it with you to the lawyers. That is your truth to your MIP family and if your alcoholic states that he "will respect your choices"...it is then his chance to deal with the disease with you, his wife and partner in the disease. Good outcomes to you both. (((((hugs)))))
I did not have to get up and talk about my husbands drinking. I just had to be present in the court room. Part of his charge was criminal vehicular homicide and injury. I was NOT injured. Sore neck. So, by me showing up un-injured the lawyer was able to get that charge dropped.
The universe smiled on us today as AH won't be doing jail time(which means he keeps his job). He still has significant consequences- but nothing that will keep him from working and continuing to receive the mental health support he needs.
As for me, I feel a huge load off of my shoulders. This trial is out of the way and now we can move on with our lives, work our individual programs, and start to rebuild the trust and love this accident caused us.
