The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can see the progress in myself thanks to this program tonight. One year ago my step daughter revealed she had bee cutting herself. Arms, legs - her beautiful 14 yo baby skin scabbed over from self harm.
I immediately got into "fixer" mode. AH is her father, and without tools, verbiage or insight to help her. Mom is binge drinking off and on and living with the neighborhood dealer who now "only smokes a little green now and then". (per her mom) Therefore I set out to find resources, counselor, crisis line, ER, behavior contract, attorney... needless to say it was a frenzy of activity and drama over several months.
My work suffered and I almost lost my job. My health suffered as well. I was on the Merry Go Round and round and round....
Now a year later her mom called my AH to say she found a notebook ( perfectly placed in the living room for mom to find) filled with suicide notes, letters to her little sister, terrible drawings etc. etc.
My AH called me asking what to do. I stated calmly that "we've known this is coming - we've talked about it. We decided she would be taken to the ER when this happened for evaluation". He remembered and put the wheels in motion.
I then got on a plane and went to work. I called my children. I felt deep sorrow for this child. I cried for her and then prayed for her. I let go and let God. I remember that all my muddling, fixing, saving and filling in for her sick parents brought about no real change.
This disease is pervasive. It infects every single life that comes into contact with the addict. It continues on generation after generation. It goes on and on until someone says "no".
You did great jenny, i am just like you described too and its fear based. In a crisis i have an overwhelming desire to get it sorted and over with quickly. Now i can see that crisis's are needed for changes to occur. I hope your family get peace again soon.x
Jenny, good on you for having a plan and caring enough to let it follow through.
What a hard spot, though. A friend of a friend recently told us she tried to do the same (well, a gun was involved THIS time). I WANT to jump in and fix. But, I have to remember, let go, let god. I offer possibilities. Sometimes she calls us, sometimes she does not. Sad for me: when shit hits the fan for me, she is the one who is sober and I know I can call. (Truck broke down a few months ago on our way home, late. She showed up and drove us home to our boys. She is also the only one who can deal with dog sitting for us, with the exception of our rather expensive trainer and 2 others who live out of state.) She doesn't know where to go after June 16th, which is the date her roommate told her she has to be out by. I told her she can move in with dogs and snake (I hate snakes). No response from her on that. As crazy, messed up, and "in crisis" as we are, my wife and I are probably too healthy for what she wants right now. She'd probably rather have the drama of "being homeless with no where to go" than the drama-less "my support system is great and I am helping myself" situation we offered.
When my wife got her recent DUI, she was meeting a friend (who didn't show) to take her with us to the food pantry. They were roommates for 7 years in and after college, and this woman cuts and more. She is part of my life, because my wife cares about her, but cannot deal with her anymore. (She is moving? Guess who drops everything to help her look at apartments?My wife. ) I have been on the floor with her, holding her arms so she cannot hurt herself, and I have braved modern suburban subdivision hell to put salt in her water softener because she cannot life the bag and it is her current crisis. (I have never had a water softener myself..,) It isn't easy. It really isn't.
Hug your babies close tonight. This little girl is in our prayers. And I think that is the best we can both do in this situation.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I want to say a special "Thank You" to each and every person who read my post... and of course, those who responded with such love.
This has been a most difficult road. I am feeling my feelings. I am staying still. I am being gentle with myself. I am remembering that I can't fix it - but that HP can in the perfect time.
An update since this post is a simple one. All of our children are under our roof tonight. We had a wonderfully simple day with sunshine, softball, errands and cooking dinner together followed by a movie.
Before the beauties wandered up to bed, I made sure to look in those big hazel eyes and say " you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God does not make mistakes. I am so blessed to have you in my life and I want you to remember that there is nothing you could do or say or go through that would ever change my love for you'.
She looked at me for a long time and smiled. Then went up to bed. I peeked in and she is sound asleep.
We are ALL doing this difficult journey ODAT.
Your prayers are appreciated and tonight I think they were answered.
