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Hello everyone. I am so thankful you are all here and I can type a topic in the search bar and see all the previous posts with such wonderful wisdom, hope and encouragement. I have been going to Al-Anon meetings on my lunch hour once a week since March 10th. Tonight I am adding a second meeting after work that is a step study. I am ready to begin to understand and apply the 12 steps to my life. I called my AH to let him know I had decided to attend this study meeting tonight and he sounded so put off. Now, mind you he was on a bender until yesterday and really had no idea if I was home or not, but now after one day of sobriety again he wants me to come home to him after work and not go to meetings. I kept my tone light, and soft and said I would see him at home after the meeting.
Tell me why I feel so guilty going to this meeting? I want to tell him that these meetings may be the key to the survival of our marriage because in the brain I had 8 weeks ago, I would be done right now. But that sounds kinda' mean and I am trying to "say what I mean but not say it mean". Does the feeling of guilt for spending time away from home in the evenings go away? Am I WAY too codependent here and should I not care how he feels about it?
Thanks in advance for all your insights!
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Hi Beth.
I did not discuss my meetings with my A because I knew he would try to create obstacles to me going.
When I felt tempted to discuss it with him, or tell him what al-anon was about, I had to check my motive, which I realised was hoping this would be a new way of "showing him how much he was hurting me". ("See, I have to go to AL-ANON, thats how BAD you are!"- my thought process was something like that).
From what you describe, your husband is an active alcoholic and his addiction does not want you to get better, it wants you to stay exactly as you are so you can enable it!! What you might see as "saving your marriage" he might see as you messing with something that's working just great for he and his addiction.
When I had to, I simply told my A my meetings were a support group to help me with my self esteem, and also, I told him it was "to help me focus on my own business instead of what other people are doing" which he thought sounded like a GREAT idea. lol.
As far as I know, most of us feel guilty about going to meetings at first but it passes and becomes a real joy but not if we are trying to use the meetings as a kind of bargaining chip in the relationship, do you know what I mean? There's no reason for you to need his approval to go, and he's very unlikely to give it if he thinks it is about him and his drinking anyway.
Al-anon is for YOU. You don't have to share it with him or have his endorsement, you can just have it if you want it, simple as that I would personally not discuss it with him any further.
(((Beth)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
A's can make themselves so unpleasant to get their own way. That's how they rule the roost despite their chaotic behavior. So we become finely attuned to their every mood, anticipating and trying to head off trouble. So it makes sense that when they don't want us to go to a meeting, we get that warning alarm going off in our head. "Trouble! Trouble coming!" I'm not so sure it's guilt, at least in my case, as much as worry. Like "Am I stirring up a hornet's nest by doing this?"
Really, if they only knew that their best hope for a peaceful life is for us to get some Al-Anon tools and work our program hard. I think it's a little like toddlers - we have to do stuff they hate (in the case of todderls, like washing them and keeping them from eating a whole tub of ice cream), but which are important things, because we're the grown-ups.
If one person changes, the relationship changes. This happened in my life. the tools I learned in al anon have helped restore my sanity. I learned I am not alone, no one is shocked. Do this for you. Don't even waste a minute thinking about his thoughts.
I'm a newcomer, but in just 5 months this has changed my life, my marriage and almost all my relationships. It works if you work it, keep coming back.
Thank you all for your insights. I don't believe my motive is to use the meetings as bargaining chips, but I will make a point to examine myself to be sure my motives are pure. When he asked where I was going I just said "to a meeting", but I am sure he figured out it was program related. Sober, he is a very smart cookie! I am sure you are all right and he is not keen on the relationship changing, we fear change until we cannot stand it one more minute!
He never asks what is discussed in my meetings, and I never disclose any information. It is important to me to keep going. I feel better when I go. The things I need to remember to keep sane and not exacerbate an already dicey situation come much sooner to me if I go to meetings. I know that if I go to the meetings, he might drink and if I don't go to the meetings, he might drink. If I am home, he might drink and if I am gone, he might drink. It is not mine to control and likewise he cannot control me and how I choose to spend my time.
Thanks for encouraging me to attend this study. I can't wait to go and check it out.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I struggle with guilt leaving my son after work for a meeting. I really hope that gets easier.
For sure, our lives have improved. He did what he was going to do. He screwed up. The changes I made created an environment that encouraged him to seek treatment.
codependency isn't pretty. Getting your own life is hard, but it's totally worth it.
Beth- sorry I didn't mean that to be as judgemental as it sounded, I felt it was one of MY not so pretty motives whenever I felt like telling him about it. Doesn't mean it's true for anyone else. I hope you'll let us know how the study goes!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 23rd of April 2015 09:10:35 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement. I went to the Step Study last night and I will admit at first I was a little put off. I thought I had made a mistake and that it was going to be just a regular Al-Anon meeting and not really studying the steps. I was wrong. They used an Al-Anon book that I was not familiar with (no surprise there, I am pretty new to the literature) and they were on Step 3. The words from others about the action of turning our will and our lives over to God was really relevant to me and it was a huge sign that I was exactly where I needed to be last night.
When it came my turn to read the question was something to the effect of "How do I try to take back my will after I believe I have turned it over to God". Wow! I do that all day long. Sometimes I think I re-surrender my will to God a hundred times a day. But even the short amount of time I have in the program I am often able to recognize when things get wonky that it is me exercising my will instead of allowing my HP to have the reins.
And another thing to note, everything went fine at home with me not there. Maybe I don't have to be the glue that holds the world from falling apart?! :)
Thanks again! I will keep coming back!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Beth,
Good job for sticking to your plans and going to the meeting. Sounds like our AHs are very similar (surprise, surprise!). Every time I have plans out of the house he seems to "need me" for something, or all of a sudden he's sober and making me feel like I will miss an opportunity to spend time with the "real him". For years now I have canceled plans with friends and family at the last minute because I felt guilty, or I felt like I was going to miss quality husband and wife time if I left. 90% of the time right after I cancel my plans, he would start drinking, pick a fight with me, or go to bed. I would then get raging angry at him. Its classic merry-go-round stuff.
I need to remember exactly what you said: "I know that if I go to the meetings, he might drink and if I don't go to the meetings, he might drink. If I am home, he might drink and if I am gone, he might drink." I need to stop being surprised when he does what I know he's gonna do!
I would personally not discuss it with him any further.