The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first post I am making on here and I am very new to Al Anon.
I have been reading some of the posts and am wondering if my situation is relevant.
A little bit of back story might be useful, but I must say I have never written any of this down or even vocalized the situation in a way that was complete. So it is quite hard for me to do so and I am not sure where to start or even how much detail to go into.
I was with an AB for many years and his issues with alcohol were always present but hidden behind a façade...We were young living in London, he was a musician liked to party and drinking was part of our social scene. He was eccentric, a real character so his drinking wasn't noticed as being a real issue at first.
He was a very intelligent but troubled person, the typical genius artist on the verge of madness. (He came to London from the soviet union with no English and 4-5 years later was accepted to Oxford university with a full scholarship, he was also a really talented musician...a truly intelligent but challenging and damaged person).
Fast forward a few years, in part due to obstacles that life throws at everyone he became engulfed in alcoholism. He alienated most of the people close to him. I also think he had serious psychological issues that never dealt with only compounded the alcohol problems.
I stuck around because you can't abandon someone when they are down, loyalty is very important to me. Almost everyone else had left him because they couldn't deal with his behaviour anymore. He didn't see this, he adopted the martyr role and thought everyone was out to get him or was against him.
I tried everything in the book to help him. Spent money on trips to change his perspective, cried, shouted, reasoned blah blah all the usual stuff that rationally I knew wouldn't work. Even at the time I realised that I wasn't doing the right things but in the moment I didn't know how else to cope. I went into autopilot just trying to deal with day to day. By the last few years I was the only one with a regular income so had become responsible for keeping a roof over our heads.
The severity of the situation just crept up gradually until I couldn't even remember how it had gotten to this point. I remember finding vodka bottles hidden around the flat and he would fill up water bottles with vodka to try and hide it. I walked on eggshells never knowing what was awaiting me when I got home. I would just hope that he would fall asleep/pass out so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.
It became truly unmanageable for me (and him of course). The phrase I repeated so often was 'I can't live like this anymore' (not helpful I know but that's what would run through my head). The response I got was always dismissive like I was overreacting 'Oh poor you, you have such a terrible life' ( he resented deeply that I had a 'normal' loving family and he did not, through no fault of his own).
I knew I had to leave...I tried to detach emotionally until I could find a way to detach physically. I think I repressed a lot as when I think back a lot of that time is really blurry.
Anyway, I won't go into how the break up finally happened bc this is long enough as it is but in any case we split up.
I left London and got a job half way across the world in the Caribbean (escaping my situation, yes indeed).He ended up going to Thailand to work at an elephant rescue center. I hope this would help him 'see the light' but I knew it wouldn't (who goes to Thailand alone in order to get well??). At this point he truly needed to be committed for his mental health issues and alcoholism. I told his mother this but it fell on deaf ears. (I can't even begin to explain that dynamic as I don't understand it myself, I believe she basically paid to send him half way across the world to get rid of him).
After 3.5 years in the Caribbean I was getting ready to come back to Europe. In this time I had next to no contact with him, he was still in touch with his best friend from London (who was one of the few people to stay in touch with him, through it all). About one month before coming back to Europe I got word he had passed away, cause inconclusive but definitely due to the physical and mental degradation he had suffered from his alcoholism.
This happened this past November and although we hadn't been together for 3.5 years I am still finding it hard to process...It's weird but I knew that that call was inevitable I just didn't know when.
I have so many negative and destructive thoughts that go through my head when I think back. I think I need to process them somehow. I keep wondering if my thoughts are 'normal', reasonable, do they make me a horrible person etc...
I kind of want to list them now to see what you guys have to say but this is ridiculously long and I feel a bit drained from writing all this.
(Thank you in advance... I am so sorry this is so long!!! if u have gotten this far thank you for taking the time to read all this). I hope that maybe I can get into a dialogue with someone to be able to process some of my thoughts, which right now are definitely holding me back from moving on with my life.
Purav,
I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you AB has passed away, it doesn't mean that you can't still be dealing with issues that come from alcholism. Have you ever gone to a face to face meeting or a counselor to help you sort out your feelings? I haven't gone though this type of situation but can sympathize with all the hurt you have gone through. Sending you a ton of positive thoughts.
One thing we become very good at when we live with an active addict is waiting for "one day" when they will magically wake up and come back to us. Is it possible you were still doing this even after being apart for a few years?
And your situation is very relevant, al-anon is for anyone who's life has been affected by someone's alcoholism. Now maybe you're grieving as well; it's a lot.
Welcome, and hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Puray, welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so sorry to read of your loss and can so understand your feelings of loss and confusion.
Alcoholism is a progressive chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless. By living with this disease we too become negatively affected and we also need a program of recovery of our own. Whether we are living with the alcoholic or not our thinking has been distorted by trying to force solutions.
This disease affects us in a very subtle manner and by keeping the focus on others, we tend to lose our self-esteem and self-worth in the process. Al-Anon his face-to-face meetings in most communities and is a real powerful recovery program for anyone who has lived with the disease.
I urge you to search out face-to-face meetings and attend. Breaking the isolation and finding the support and understanding from like-minded people goes a long way to healing the wounds.
WELCOME PURAY to Our MIP Family :) You are Indeed in the Right Place ;D
First I Want to Say I'm Very Sorry to Hear of the Loss of Your Friend... I Lost My Afather to this disease in 08 and that is what Landed me Here... I Remember the First time I Stepped into an Al-Anon Meeting, All I did was Cry and they told Me if I Wanted to Say Something I Could... But I Did not Have too... and I Just LOST it... I Cried at All these emotions that were Taking over my Body, and one of the Worst Was Anger... I Was So Very Ticked At My Dad for Leaving Me with His Mess to Clean up, Leaving me when I wasn't Ready to Accept his Loss, I Cussed him Everyday...
It was Here at MIP and My F2F Meetings that I Learned... I was So Not Alone at All, and As Luck would have it, Everything I Spilled On that table that Night, CHANGED Who I am Today, because of the Love & Support of this Program...
Weather We Live with Our Addicts, or We are Just Effected by their Addictions... We Are All Welcome Here... and I'm Glad Your Here... Keep Coming Back :)
Thank you for all your replies...I do want to go to a meeting and will try and go this sunday. I just dont know if I will be able to speak!
I go back and forth between thinking 'its done just get over it move on' and thinking that I have to vocalise it to move on.
Missmeliss- there was time when I thought that there would be that 'one day' when he would magically wake up and comeback ...but that was a long time ago. He went beyond the point of no return before I left.
One of the many things I feel so guilty about is that maybe if i had left him sooner (when he was still at least semi functional) he might have been able to rescue himself???
Jozie- I empathise with what you say about feeling angry and I think that's something i need to get clear in my head...is it okay for me to be angry at him?? what purpose does it serve?
thank you everyone for allowing me this first outlet.
So sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband do this disorder , disease, doesn't matter what you call it, its fatal if the person persists in this lifestyle.
Married for 25 years, on the 25th year we separated to his death, which was definitely due to alcoholism, his organs shut down. I have been in Alanon for 25 years, otherwise I too would have died
from the stress of being with a substance abuser.
Alanon can certainly help you with the tools and solutions and lead to you to serenity, You are not wrong to have your feelings...
I am glad you found us at MIP and to process and get it all out is such a great way to be able to reread and look at what you wrote and finally be able to feel some feelings about it, that while in survival mode maybe had to stuff deep down. I have written books just about on here venting and it helps me. I did also journal for awhile when I needed to just get it all out and be able to look at it all. It sounds like you lived through some very rough and chaotic times and maybe you're ready to deal with it. We are here and listening. Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi all,
Thank you all for your replies....
I went to my first f2f meeting today!
It was interesting, the people were nice and welcoming :)
I basically sat there in silence, tearing up and then getting control of myself , then getting weepy again.
I don't think I 'get it' yet... But will keep going and give it a chance (I know I need to give it an honest try)
I'm a bit concerned about sharing:
What if I just start crying and can't speak (quite likely, I cry a lot lately)
What do I say... Do I tell the whole story (would take so long....don't want to monopolise the time)
Most of the ppl have been attending for quite a while ( have all the books etc...) I feel like I will be expressing things they are well past.
I have so many questions about how I feel...but the meeting didn't seem like a question and answer type environment.
Anyway not quite sure what to make of it but it's just the first one so we shall see :)
Puray, first off I would like to extend my condolences to you for the loss of your friend. It makes sense that there are unresolved feelings and memories, because you shared your life with someone for such a long time. Al-anon will most definitely help you to come to terms with the disease of alcholism, which is the most important aspect of the 12 steps. You made the right decision!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Actually there are lots Of little rules and this
is where a sponsor can Come in handy. To walk
you thru the ropes Otherwise just keep an open
mind and listen and learn. There are three daily
Readers to buy 12-14 dollars each also a lending
Library.
A beginners meeting would be great if they
Have them in your area. I try to welcome and
Chat with new members after the mtg.
It takes a lot of courage to share your truths
With strangers in a group setting. I can sit and
Talk to my friends for a long time. It took me
Two years to speak my truths. I still sometimes
Choose to just listen
Generally nothing is expected of a newbie. They
Usually wont talk till they are ready, they cry
A Lot once in awhile someone new is vocal.
Also please be extra gentle with yourself you
sound Like you are grieving your loss. You are
not alone on this journey.
Most of the people remember what it is like to sit there and just cry. The very hardest thing for me to accept was that my ex was going to go his path and there was NOTHING I could do to stop it. I am sorry for your loss.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Welcome! You have received some great ESH here already. I just wanted to add regarding telling your story.... for some of us "older timers" it is good for us hear from the "new comers". The best way for us, to keep what we have learned..... is to give it away. Please continue with your meetings. Losing someone close to us is hard... Losing someone close to us, with an addiction, is harder to deal with.... Peace to you.
