The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized tonight that I have a real problem that kinda smacked me in the face, kinda looking at it from the inside out. We had a family emergency where we had to go to the ER for my son for a broken arm. And you know how long that takes. And we are sitting and waiting, trying to settle my son down and my nerves, guilt, etc. My A was there with us. The whole time asking me the same questions over and over. Most of the time I answered them the same way again. Then after the seventh time, I said, I just answered that and this is what I said. Which immediately bristled my A and was getting all defensive, etc. which started a fight in the ER room (luckily we were alone, not in the waiting room), which I said, we don't want to upset out boy. Which then, my A stopped, but was like "Fine". This went on back and forth. And this happens all the time. My A cant stand it if I repeat myself once and cannot stand when I point something out that bothers me about what is being said, no matter how minor. And it just pissed me off. We've been together 12 years, and when we were first together it was really good. Then times got hard, though I didn't understand why at the time, but I was committed because of love. Now I feel like I stayed for all the wrong reasons and no matter what I try to do, there is so much past pain, resentment, and hurt that no matter if I bring it up or not, I always have to apologize for making my A feel badly about it. We have not been spending much time together, and I almost prefer it that way. I feel like nothing is ever going to change with my A and I don't even think I'm in love anymore at all...it's all dried up. But I feel stuck, too. I don't know what to make of it. But I feel like I've lost all of those years. However, I don't think I would have discovered my own issues without this relationship. It's such a sticky wicket. Thanks for listening. I feel like I really don't know what to do next. To end it all means I've lost all those years. To stay, I'm unhappy but at least I'm not totally alone. I know I need to work on me. But tonight was really telling about our relationship status.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
I hope your son is ok. Broken arms are not easy to deal with.
The rest of your post ... I could have written it myself. My wife and I had a spat tonight over money, as usual. She claims to think that she communicated to me that the tax return savings were gone, and I completely didn't get that message. I just don't get it. I don't understand myself, and my dedication to her or our relationship. If I walked away tomorrow, I know it would be better for me. And, I know my parents would be here in 9 hours, day or night, if I called, truck and car hauler in tow, to move me somewhere. Or move her out, whichever.
We have been together 8 years. And I thought it was really good at first. I am kind of starting to realize that it might have been good at first because I was lonely and she wanted access to money. But, how do I just dismiss that time and commitment? Or my feelings? I have been unhappy for years. Literally, probably five or more. (When I ran out of savings and credit...) And, I know what it is to be alone as well. I certainly was that when my first partner passed. I hope that my HP gives me the strength to face that loneliness again, because I at least deserve a little bit of happiness, I think.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I have felt these feelings too. I think it's possible to be as lonely in a bad relationship as out of one. I expected that when I separated from my A, I'd have terrible pangs of loneliness, but to my surprise I felt free and happy. I think the loneliness inside the relationship had finally worn me down to exhaustion.
(((gabigal))), you are not alone. I remember having that same awareness and lightbulb moment, many years ago and that is what brought me through the doors of Al-Anon in order to learn a better way. I'm so grateful that my higher power guided me in this direction as I have received the support, understanding and wisdom of a caring community and was finally brought to understand that I did not waste, one moment of my life. That all of it is a lesson, and once I learn the lessons I move on. I hope you keep coming back
I was with my exAH for 15 years and I do not consider one day of it a waste. I learned so much about me and about relationships although a toxic one, I learned what I wanted, needed and would not repeat. I have my children and have learned I was loyal beyond my own sanity and that was a lesson I would never repeat. Al-anon has continued my education to achieve my sanity and my life is better now, but I am thankful to my exAH believe it or not for all the bad there was some good, but through it all I learned so much. I wish him well, but I want and deserve a healthier relationship and he was unwilling to work towards that with me. I did not need to go down with the titanic and am doing the work on myself that became painfully obvious during my marriage. I did all I could have and more trying to control him then I should have. It is so hard to have the awareness of this is where it is at and what are you gonna do now? I chalk it up to the 3 A's ~things come into your Awareness when your ready to see them, then you slowly Accept it as truth, then you get ready and take Action and get and stay healthier for the action. Al-anon has helped me to change my life and perspective for the better and I am no longer living in miserable chaos nor will I ever again. Once you know better you can do better. It is up to you how you live your life, but with al-anon at-least serenity is possible. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
