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I think my AH has finally hit his bottom and Im afraid for him because he's going to attempt going cold turkey after years of hard drinking with only the help of one AA meeting a day. He wants to do detox but with bills pilling up he cant afford to do inpatient. I told him I understood his concerns about finances but that Im affraid for his physical well being if he tries cold turkey without medical help. He's scared of doing it cold turkey but doesnt see any other way right now. He's been a heapin emotional mess over the last 24 hrs and took his.last drink of two beers (only) last night. So needless to say right now he's feeling symptoms of withdrawl. We're currently separated for 6 mos and me and the kids want to go back home to support him but Im leary of whether or not its a good idea to have the kids witness/experience this....he doesnt have family support, as a matter of fact they are the true.source of most of his emotional pain. Me and the kids love him very much, so how do we attempt.to be there for him without getting "swept up in the storm" of his early attempts at sobriety?
If he is a heavy drinker he needs to detox in the hospital. Alcohol detox is the one thing you can die from. ONE of my sponsors (I have two) has an AAS (active alcoholic son) who spent TWO weeks at home trying to detox from his most recent relapse. He was puking and had intestinal issues and he needed to be in a hospital but it was not her place to tell him this. She said to him 'tell me when and where to take you and I will do so" But she could not say to him "get in the car we are going to the hospital" he is an adult and it's his call. finally one night he said "i need to go to the detox center" and she happily drove him and dropped him off and AFAIK he's still there.
Yes rehab is expensive. we are so far over our heads financially right now and hubby has been in rehab since January 5th. the first few days in the detox ward of a hospital.
when we first go to Al-anon we ask "what can we do to help the alcoholic?" We are looking for things we can do FOR them to make it EASIER For THEM.
that's the wrong approach.
the answer to "WHAT can I DO to HELP the Alcoholic?" is "GO TO AL-ANON and get yourself healthy."
IF you go back and read my early posts from January you will see how my "tune" has changed from one of frustration and anger and "you're NOT helping me help him" to
"OH I GET IT" the light bulb moment is different for everyone.
Mine was learning loving detachment. And then learning how to implement it. Once I did that along with my boundaries I have found that what they teach in Al-anon is life saving.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
The best way you can help is to get out of the way. Stand on the sidelines. Sounds harsh, but from experience, that's what needs to be done. When we try to help an alcoholic it slows down their recovery. Unless, of course, he ask for help like take him to detox. Then we can give him a ride. Sobriety must come first if he has a chance at recovery.
Let him be on his own for awhile and let HIM figure this out. In the meantime, take care of YOU and the kids. Let him know he's in your prayers and wish him luck on his journey. Then detach knowing he has a Higher Power and it's not you. The best way we can help the Alcoholic and the kids is to work on US. Alanon and this site has been a big part of my recovery.
Hi Hopeful I must agree completely with all that has been shared.
i just wanted to note that since detoxing is a dangerous physical condition , in the USA all health insurance companies must cover it. Usually the inpatient stay is for 3 to 5 days and if you have any health insurance it it a covered service.
I was going to make the same statement as Mike. Being in recovery - I can tell you, get out of the way and let him do this. You can support him by listening and encouraging if you want, but this is on HIM. For me, I needed to be on my own and living on my own to really make progress. That is not always the case but it helped for me. If I had a partner I was separated from at the time, I'm sure I would have said I needed them to move back and that I needed "support" but really I needed to grow the hell up and learn to be a sober adult man. I'm guessing he needed to be on his own to hit bottom too so something about it is working. Let him grow into a responsible sober man before trying to rush in and "help." Going to AA daily is a big thing. He will get all the support he needs there if he does what is suggested. That is what I did. For a couple years, all my friends were from AA and it needed to be that way. I ate, breathed, and crapped AA and it was pretty intensive. I don't know that I would have had time to be a good husband or father sadly....so the "support" of being there would not necessarily even help. In early sobriety, the person typically continues to be really selfish for quite some time as selfish slowly become learning SELF-CARE. My bottom was MINE and who do you think needed to dig deep in AA to climb out of that? ME. If anyone had tried to make it easier, I wouldn't have learned as much or grown as much. I would give him a whole year before moving back (Just a suggestion...not advice because I know all situations are different). Also, I complained about my family a lot upon starting sobriety. It would have appeared to anyone that they were also my "source of emotional pain" but in actuality, I had as big a role in that dysfunction as they did so my blaming them was a big copout and my enlisting other people to agree with me that the rest of my family sucked was also a copout and an excuse (just speaking for self here). Was his family supposed to be amazingly supportive as he drank away? Even if they were crappy as a family, that is no excuse to turn into a drunk. You just described what keeps a lot of alanoners rooked into bad relationships with alcoholics and that is that they alienate their families then make you into "the only person who can possibly support and save them"...Beware! You've don that before right? It didn't work then and it wont now.
As far as safe detox....I never went to inpatient detox. I sweated it out for a few days. It was not safe. I drank about every night but not around the clock so maybe my detox wasn't quite so awful. I would recommend he call a doctor. At home detox is possible. His doctor might prescribe him Librium to guard against seizures. At least have a doctor informed and on standby. Honestly, I believe cold turkey is the best way to go anyhow. Even if he was in a residential detox he would not be tapering off alcohol, only being given anti-seizure meds.
So I get that you are worried about him. I get that you are loving and caring. I get that you have been waiting for this a long time. All this makes you a very sweet and caring person....but this is alcoholism and it doesn't respond to that kind of sweetness and caring and TLC and what not. I hope I didn't offend with any of this. This is alanon and my concern is YOU. YOU not him. What best protects you and your serenity and peace? What is best for you and the kids right now? Have you even really had time to work your own recovery? There are some serious dysfunctional patterns to break in coming out of a long relationship with an alcoholic. You also need your own space and recovery and don't need his super needy early sobriety self to be distracting YOUR RECOVERY. Please keep that in mind also!
Just to make sure Ive got it right, there's a difference between detox and and rehab?...because we're both thinking that he has to be gone away for anywhere from 30-90 days in order to get out of the dangerous withdrawl stage.
He's not very good at researching and so I dont even think he knows this. Would I be overstepping by suggesting that "detox" is a less lenghthy option and let him research it on his own or is that still enabling?
He found outpt counseling on his own last year but it did nothing for him but 'educate'him on the disease and make him confront some emotional stuff he was dealing with but he didnt take it seriously or follow up with AA after..which is why he's at the point he is now....this time around he's a blubbering mess and says he's had enough.
I would have no problem suggesting that he is probably covered for the detox as it is dangerous and a medical necessity for people who are heavy drinkers.
Rehab facilities will usually only admit a person after they have detoxed. He can call his insurance company and can also be admitted from the Er if his condition is severe.
Each person is different My husband could not detox from home as he went into convulsions, and the AA hot line had him admitted- My son was never successful detoxing from home with librium- His Dr.s always admitted him .
Inpatient admissions are available that is important to know .
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 22nd of April 2015 03:37:32 PM
I was a blubbering mess too....for a good while. That is not a bad place for him to be. Remember though, there are rooms full of people at every AA meeting that can be his supports. They will rush to give him their phone numbers and all he has to do is ask at meetings. That is what I did.
No, it's not enabling for you to help some as long as he is trying, but remember you are not the only one there for him and you shouldn't be. If you are the only one there, that's not your fault. That is his fault and he needs to make more supports.
Detox can be done in a hospital or detox center. For alcoholism, it was usually about 5 to 7 days depending on if the person had other medical issues that made it more tricky. Betty is correct that calling the insurance company would be a good step. They have care advisors that are there for that expressed purpose.
Also...another thing to consider is just biting the financial bullet because alcoholism will KILL him. Saving money means nothing when you are dead. This is a fatal illness if not treated. This all occurred to me just now.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 22nd of April 2015 03:44:02 PM
You also didn't mention if he can't afford it because he cannot afford time off or if he literally has no insurance and you are thinking it would be out of pocket or super high copays or what. Currently, he is not in a frame of mind to be thinking logically about the best care for himself. If he has no insurance, there are state funded detoxes and rehabs. If he does have it and you are worried about copays and time off work...well, that's another story but he should do his due diligence with his work (EAP) and the insurance company.
this is so hard. to know when we are helping vs enabling vs care taking.... baby steps
DETOX is about 5 days of alcohol withdrawal and if the person is a heavy drinker they may have seizures so doing it in a hospital with a detox ward is preferred. They will start IVs that are specific to alcoholism (often called a banana bag due to the yellow color) They will give medications to prevent seizures. This is a medical condition and insurance should cover it.
When my AH went to detox (after 2 days in the detention center where they gave him Librium by the handful to avoid seizures but nothing else) he was treated with respect and compassion and I was helped by a social worker to help him find an in patient rehab. Thankfully we have awesome insurance and my salary pays the bills (his is our play money) so while we are tight and our medical bills are OUTRAGEOUS this year we are coping. Even with awesome insurance our co pays are killing us. His outpatient rehab was $1200 per day. Insurance is paying $780 daily and technically we owe $420 per day (does anyone else get the irony of paying a rehab 420 a day?) but they have agreed to take the check from the insurance company as payment in full.
I found out that some hospitals around here have specific detox wards. The domestic abuse police officer told me about it. Until they told me I had no clue. He was put on a locked ward and monitored by people who knew what to look for. Once they were sure he was not going to seize, the social worker on the ward called around and found the rehabs we liked could afford that he could go to. We had never done rehab so we had no clue... we just trusted. In the end it worked out fine
I have heard that 90 days of rehab is becoming the gold standard now. It used to be 28 days. So we found a 90 day IOP rehab where he lived in a house provided by the rehab and he went to their meetings but was NOT home. That only lasted for about 21 days before he was transferred to a locked ward in a different facility. This of course was after he had called and begged to come home and I said no. It was a rough time. Once he was ready to leave the locked ward (about a week) he was sober nearly 30 days but a nasty "dry drunk" and he started his OUTpatient rehab while living at home. He did 4 mornings a week of group and meds. And was just stepped to Phase 2 which is one night a week. He also goes to AA meetings. I go to my al-anon meetings and I work with my sponsors.
He was found to have what's called "dual diagnosis" meaning he has mental health issues that he was masking (self-medicating) with alcohol. so while his "rehab" is done he's not ready to return to work yet according to the psychiatrist at the rehab who is working on his med levels. We are hoping he will return to work in a few weeks as his short term disability was denied twice already (we are fighting it and it should be approved soon and we will get the back money)
If he has insurance he can call (or if he asks you to call you can help him) But he has to want to do t his and he has to own it. YOU can't do FOR him you can help him do for himself. IF he asks. I had a hard time being told that it was not my place to help my spouse find a rehab after he asked to move to a new one. Some folks think that letting them do it all themselves is the way to go. I personally think if they ASK for help in researching places because they don't have the ability to do so (either because of access issues or they are emotionally paralyzed) that helping is fine. But you can't do it for them if they don't ask.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I love the ESH and wouldn't think it would be a safe environment to put your kids into watching him possibly hallucinate and be at his very worst. Staying out of his way and letting him figure out how to get and stay sober is what I am doing with my A's. My Mom is one of my qualifiers and my exAH is my other and honestly they both self medicate because of mental illness, and I found that to be pretty normal. There are better ways and I hope for that for them someday, but I have had to let go of the reigns and it keeps me sane. I now enjoy the serenity and freedom of staying in my hula hoop and raising my kids to the best of my ability. I am living life and doing great things to take care of myself. I am glad you are here. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My gosh so much helpful info you guys!...well after reading all of your responses, I now know what to look for in the beginning stages. Someone said the A will try to basically use you as their counselor in the begining and thats exactly what he'done since deciding to kick the habit 2 days ago. But in all that Ive learned in alanon so far, I know that him using me instead of a sponsor is dangerous territory so after last night of letting him vent Im done. I wont turn him away if he wants to talk but I wont offer any response to the venting anymore. I will say, Im proud of myself for not caving in to rescue him. He had a very noticible 'quiver' in his voice all day and I could tell he was trying to hide it. No doubt it was the withdrawl symptoms because he was also antsy and couldnt keep still. I let him crash at my house for two days till he got his bearings and that first 24hrs he had what seemed to be insomnia. It was hard to listen to him talk and he looks a hot mess but I stayed neutral and upbeat in my demeanor. I will say though, his parents absolutly play a huge role in the emotional aspect of his addiction because he is an 'adult child' of an active alcoholic parent, his father. Knowing what Ive learned in alanon, his family(mom, dad and sis) are all 'sick' and the drama has revolved around the dad who is the A and the mom does everything in her power to 'keep the peace'and has instilled in her kids (my husband and his sister) to just "leave things be, dont rock the boat even at the expense of stuffing your emotions"....and therein lies the family disease!
As far as the financial aspect of things, Im just going to take it slow....he wants us back home, and unfortunately he knows me and the kids miss home. however Im solid in the fact that I need to see solid proof that he's going to be consistent in this. The other side of that is that existing in two separate homes is taking a toll on us individually even with access to health insurance. More time away from work would crush him financially which would also affect any financial support I recieve from him for the kids....Im just gonna take it slow and stay prayerfull....and try be aware of that old habit in me to try and rush an outcome before its time just because of a little momentary 'discomfort'
Really powerful share. You are doing great!
And Pinkchip, thanks for your sharing as well. I think I needed to hear that today.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
