The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finding a lot of things in my life very difficult.I have come a long way but we always need to listen and learn for us to continue to get better.
My brother in law came and stayed with us for a couple of days.I am not one who likes having overnight company but I put on my positive face and thought to myself I can do this for 48 hours.To look at this in a funny way my brother in law has been divorced for 20 years and after seeing me and AH bicker yesterday he said he is going to stay that way! I dont blame him at all.
I have noticed over the past few months that everything my AH says is about him.I try to talk about me and it always goes back to him.At times I say, hey I am not talking about you, but me, so please listen.AH had a forced retirement 10 years ago, so he still goes over that; he took care of his parents and aunt, so the conversation goes back how hard that way, etc., etc.He has severe tinnitus and hearing loss, so that is a daily topic.He has not moved past any of those.I am sorry all of those things happen, but we all go through tough times and move forward and hopefully become a stronger person by doing so.Yesterday we were talking about how proud we are of our nephew brother in laws son and instead of talking about that my AH brought up when he started at work 37 years ago.I tried to redirect the conversation but he just got mad.Everyone in the family sees it but him.I know that lying comes with the disease, but his lying is getting more and more.I watch when he talks and can pretty much see the embellishments, the lying, taking over the conversation.
We moved to the Southern part of our state last May for a number of reasons.We both have loved it here.I worked a part time job for a while after moving here but quit in December.I did not like the job at all but at least it got me out of the house.It was my choice and overall I am good with my choice. But I am having some real challenges with anxiety and need to take care of me.I need to get out, exercise, meet positive people, etc.I now know this is something I need to do ASAP.Nothing is going to change with him.
It helps me to write it all down, read what I am writing to really see what the problem is.I can internalize, but that is all it really is.
Thank you for listening to me.I love this site and enjoy reading the posts, going to online meetings and getting feedback from all.
Hi Jen thanks for sharing, with such honesty and clarity. I have always found that validating myself, and bringing the conversation back to" me "always worked when I'm interacting with people who are constantly talking about themselves.
I too found it was very important to interact with positive people, to pursue a spiritual path. And to include physical exercise in each of my in each day. I found going to a meeting each day, making program calls all helped with my spiritual growth and connecting with positive people. Joining the gym and daily Al-Anon readings, kept the focus on myself and my recovery.
Please keep coming back here and sharing. Love your avatar, the flowers are absolutely beautiful.
Oh I know that one, where he makes himself the topic of every sentence. This is the second time I have declared 7 years of Jill. Whenever I realize he has hijacked a topic, I say oh no this is the year of Jill. We are both surprised it's gone from me to him. I want to exhaust my topic before I hear his.
He even composed a song about it being my 7 years. It's funny, and sometimes I hum it when he has hijacked the topic. Then he'll stop and listen to what I was saying.
Mostly to myself I want to affirm this is my time. I get better at it as the focus continues. Man, it must be tiring to be alcoholic and always think mememememe, but I'm going to get much better at it.
Yep. Common addict thing. When I worked in adult rehab, I used to call it "the land of many suns" because pretty much each resident had the world revolving around them.
This is so interesting because I have just really noticed this about my AH the last year or so...I always ask him about his day when he gets home and try to ask questions about what is going on at work, etc (always staying away from any alcohol-related questions, of course) and lately it never fails...he will go on and on about himself but he never once asks about my day or what the kids were up to....yesterday I told him I was nervous about having a mammogram (my sister had breast cancer - she's fine now though) he couldn't even say anything supportive, he just immediately turned to topic to himself...I wanted to cry right then and there.
Jen, I'm sorry for the hard time you are having. I hope you can get out, maybe do some volunteer work and find a good Al anon group :)
Thank you. I have been checking sites tonight. I had to have a cortisone shot in my knee today,which is so much better, so will get back to walking. I always felt so rejuvenated. I am also going to look for some volunteer work that will be fun and hopefully meet some positive people.
After letting ourselves be treated as if we don't matter or exist for such a long time, it is wonderful to begin to reach out to people who listen and care isn't it? And to finally realise we deserve more than someone who is "mememememe".
Volunteer work sounds great. Positive and supportive human contact has been the best medicine for me by far!
I hope your knee keeps getting better too.
Big hugs to you!!
(((Jen)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Jen this behavior is part of the disease for sure. But it also seems, to me at least, to be part of an aging male's psyche. And guys don't yell at me here.
I see this kind of behavior in a lot of my older male relatives and friends. It is almost as if they are not participating in a conversation but just waiting to jump in and talk about themselves. It also seems that they much prefer to talk to women as we listen and are more willing to let them talk. Men just cut each other off.
Talking to girlfriends and sisters, it seems that all our old guys tend to brood more as they get older, revisiting slights inflicted in earlier times. We are wondering if, because they are retired and really have nothing to do much, that they feel useless. So they do a lot of negative thinking and become very self involved. Btw, we are also seeing them drink more and more because,.... well they are bored I guess and this fills in the time.
OMG Deacon, you hit it on the HEAD! My hubby is 13 years older than I. I am exiting my 40s soon and he is entering the early part of his 60s. He retired WAY too soon due to a back problem and has now got Type II Diabetes. I am still working full time and trying to walk every afternoon to get some weight off. I have LOTS of hobbies and interests and think that when I retire someday, 100 years from now, I will volunteer and start a community garden and walk every morning and take a class on this or that. My hubby has decided his hobby is to drink. I get home and he is either drunk or if he is sober he wants to tell me all about the crap he heard on talk radio or the terrible news of the world. Some days, if I didn't go for a walk, I believe one of us would be buried in the back yard!!!
I understand illness as I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer 8 years ago at age 40. I understand being unhappy, but on the other hand I think the old Abe Lincoln saying is true. "Most people are about as happy as they choose to be".
Thanks for listening to my rant!!
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
"I tried to redirect the conversation but he just got mad. Everyone in the family sees it but him. I know that lying comes with the disease, but his lying is getting more and more. I watch when he talks and can pretty much see the embellishments, the lying, taking over the conversation. "
And I thought it was onlu MY AH!!! LOL! On Easter, on several occasions, he brought up detailed inaprorate topics. Like me giving birth to my youngest. And he has also told this story MANY times! Everyone knows it. I kept trying to redirect the conversation and like your AH, he went right back to it. Inturrupts, and embelishes stories. Sometimes I'm like, "That didn't happen at ALL"!!!! The funny thing is, that he complains that his Dad does that! (And a few other things where he does the SAME THING!!!) They just don't see it. Like Pinkchip said "Yep. Common addict thing. When I worked in adult rehab, I used to call it "the land of many suns" because pretty much each resident had the world revolving around them. " (Actually I thought that was kinda funny! Gotta laugh)
Hi Jen, sorry you are going thru a tough time. Volunteering should be a great outlet for you. My Mom is the alcoholic & I think she's a narcissist . It must be a common trait for alcoholics. My husband tries to count the "I's" in a conversation with her. Everything is either I or me . And she embellishes also. Says things to other people like, she had my kids so much when they were little they called her Mom ! What a bunch of crap. And tries to put me down or embarrass me in front of others. Sorry got distracted :( I've started doing it back to her now. When she talks about herself I used to be polite & respond, now I just respond with an answer about myself........haha . Playing the game. But that's the only way I know how to handle it for now. I'm brand new to Alanon so forgive me if this is bad advice .
Pinkchip.........the land of many Suns .....love that. Wow so true.
I understand. It is the same thing with my AH and with my mother (untreated al anon). They rattle on about themselves at length and if they ask me anything about me, they are looking for a one word answer, clearly, because the second I open my mouth, they have to get off the phone or go somewhere. I'm working very hard to make myself truly believe this is about them and not me but it's done a number on my self esteem.
All of you have made such sense of this. I truly thank all of you. I did talk to him today about how is interrupts when people are talking, constantly talking about himself, etc., and he did not see if. DUH! It was very hard for me to talk to him about it but over the weekend I thought wow I cannot do this much longer. It takes a lot of my mental energy listening to him and after hearing the story 50 times I want to run out of the front door screaming! That is still an option I guess. Anyway thanks again. I don't feel quite so alone with this.
I Can Relate to this... My AH is a Binge Drinker, and has really done Well since I Got Sober over 4 years ago, However... He truly gets stuck on the Me Me Me .... and he has Son that is Even Worse, and he isn't an A... but he would def fit the "Dry Drunk" bill...
When I 1st Started al-anon F2F Meetings, he had some Resentments about it, and instead of educating himself about it, he just seen as it as another way to Jab at me like "Have fun at your Husband Bashing Meeting!!! Or "I'm Sure my Ears will be burning tonight!" and so one and so Forth, and for a while I Almost quit my program because of it, I was tired of Hearing it... Now if he starts, I remind him Gently ... "My Meetings are NOT About You! They are About Me! Sorry if that Upsets you!" and he will stop again for a period of Time...
Another Good Note an Al-Anon Friend told me when I Was Whirring after hearing the Same Crap over and over again, and even when I Would try to STOP Him from Talking about himself, he would just Keep Going... So a Friend of Mine said "Then VOTE With your Feet" So Now that is what I Do, I Can Look at him and Say, "Yea I Know that's what you Told Me! I have to go do XYZ" and I Leave the Room... I'm Not Rude, I'm Calm, and Move on! If He follows after Me I then tell him, I have Heard this Before and I have things to do... And I Do the Same thing if there is someone Else Present and he starts the Same Story I Remove myself from the Conversation and walk away... It Truly has Helped Me Keep My Sanity....
So I Hope you can "Vote with your Feet" and Take Care of You :) Yes Volunteer Work is Wonderful ;) and I Always Enjoy a Good Walk with Only ME in my Head... ;D
This is truely a wow moment for me as I did't even realize my AH did this until I started to read this post. It has been always about his family, how he hates his job, how his coworkers all suck. We never talk about my job which luckily I like. Thanks for the enlightenment.
The untreated alcoholic is self-centered and the emotional default is restless, irritable, and discontent. Hence, what you hear most are complaints all about how they are unhappy and irritated with varieties of people, places, and things.
I can see the dry drunk in him. I would consider AH a binge drinker. He can go weeks and weeks and not drink and then wow. I have been detaching with the drinking and now I will do it with this too. Jozie I too have had to walk away and I will just have to continue doing so. My dad was a drinker and I remember as a kid he would repeat himself over and over and over. I hated to be around him. I see this again. Thanks again for all of your comments.
