Lecture to my parents - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lecture to my parents

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry to hearofe the pain, frustration and concern that you are experiencing because of this dreadful disease of alcoholism. Your parents are kind, loving, compassionate people who did the best they could in a difficult situation. I'm glad that you were able to share program with them so that they could see that when living with and dealing with the disease of alcoholism , we must be very careful of how we express our compassion and empathy. My son would arrive at family members homes in the middle of the night as well, they all took hi in and tried to help.

Knowing that we are powerless over people places and things is a true gift of Al-Anon and does enable me to use the Al-Anon tools most effectively. I pray that your parents reach out to Al-Anon meetings and I pray that your cousin finds peace in recovery.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Knowing that we are powerless over people places and things is a true gift of Al-Anon and does enable me to use the Al-Anon tools most effectively. I pray that your parents reach out to Al-Anon meetings and I pray that your cousin finds peace in recovery. Thanks Betty for the reminder. I always have to remember hearing "We all have to start from somewhere and in this disease its powerlessness.

Mark enablers have good hearts as you and your parents do and some people with good hearts at times get to learn how to do better with them. We are raised early on to be helpful and loving and then we hear about this disease of alcoholism and addiction. What a ride. Hope Mom and Dad got their hugs and kisses. wink

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry to hear this is happening. The situation is very sad and troubling.

At the same time, we are powerless ... over the actions of everyone, even our parents. Even if they're enabling.

My own mother had a thing where she couldn't acknowledge danger. She was just oblivious to it. This was frightening to me, growing up. Once I was out of the house, I was frightened for her. She used to drive through the roughest part of a very rough city - think the very worst part of a very blighted city, with blocks and blocks of devasted buldings and vacant lots, and where the only people you saw were the drug dealers on the corners, and a little old lady - my mom - moseying her car along the streets. It had been a safe area fifty years before, and she was oblivious to the fact that now it was highly dangerous. And driving through it saved her a $3 toll. So she'd drive through it all the time. I ordered her not to do it. I threatened, I thundered, I pleaded. Then she'd just go do it again.

My therapist finally told me, "This is who your mother is. She's intrepid. She's afraid of almost nothing. This has had an up side in the rest of her life, as well as this down side. If something happens to her, it happens while she's doing what she wants to. You have to let her be who she is."

It's hard when we feel we're the experts.

I hate to say it, but - they're going to do what they're going to do - what are you going to do?

{{{Mark}}}

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

PC, I can understand your fear for your parents safety and well-being. I think your reaction was a loving son who doesn't want his parents to be harmed by someone very unstable. Your reprimand at least to me seems as natural as when a child without thought of the danger of oncoming traffic runs out in the middle of the street. The parent gets extremely upset and reacts verbally from a place of fear. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not implying that your parents in their seventies have now reverted to being children but I think there is less sharpened awareness when we no longer live with active alcoholism in our home. Maybe when your cousin showed up, your parents simply saw a loved one at the door who needed help and not the disease at their door. As good people, they made a conscious choice not to turn away a family member.

Like you and others here, I've reacted the same way when I felt my parents choices were putting them in danger. Sometimes these things need to be said, PC. Please don't be too hard on yourself about how you presented the message. Your parents know your words are coming from a place of love for them. You've given them valuable program related things to think about and the door may be opened now for further discussion in a calmer way. Your excitement over what they did might have worked to startle them into reconsidering the choice they made, (like the child who runs out in the street in oncoming traffic) they may stop and consider their choice if the disease coming knocking on their door again. They may choose to stand back.

I've made amends later for my reaction in situations like this with my parents. They understood and forgave.

(((hugs)))) TT

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This morning my sister had written them an email expressing the same concerns. My sister is a lawyer and also looked up his criminal charges.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

What a learning curve!

Your story makes me think that you have gifted your folks with some really valuable information and when they need to they now have that gift to use, or not use, in whatever way feels right for them. I imagine that they gave you similar gifts over the years as well.

I kind of get that upside down sort of growing up experience - I never really expected to be advising or nurturing my parents, as you imply that is the role I expected of them! For me there is something rather beautiful in the equality and role reversal that grows between our generations as the years pass by.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

I Can Truly Relate to this Situation when it comes to My Momma... She is My Queen Codependent/Enabler and even tho she is at the Young age of 64 she is the Most Globule Person I know, She says YES before she even Hears what is even being Said...

I Will add that in My Story, I Held Many Resentments against my Momma... I was the Middle of Three for Her, and My Baby Brother didn't come till 6yrs later, and we All Knew Struggle, come home to a cold home, no electric cause we couldn't make bills, it was tough but my Mom Never Gave Up! She Made things get better when there looked to be no Hope at All... And Did it by the Sweat of her own brow... and when Myself & My Older sister was Out of the Home she could "Better" Care for My Baby Brother for sure... and that she did... Enabled him Straight into the Alcoholic/Addict he is Today...

I Remember the Speech's I Would Prepare for her, about what she was doing to him, I remember Begging her to Let him Fall, Its OK We all did.... I Remember Crying Out tears and Anger of all the things she was "Doing TO HIM" that wasn't Helping him at All...

NOW... She will do it and Not Tell Me Because she is afraid of what I will Say! Because even tho she is Codependent, She Very Much Needs to Know I Love her, and because of Her Life/ and Failed Marriage she Needs Reassurance, or she will just sit and Stress for Days/weeks/months because she Can't have someone "Mad" at her... and when I would have these Speech's all it was, was me trying to Change/Control Her, to Change/Control My Bro... I Didn't Have Al-Anon But I Knew I was Powerless... but I Thought I knew it was Wrong...

I'm Sorry You have to go thru this with your Parents, cause it does sting when WE Become the Parents, and for Me It was Always Fear Based... Now Today... She is Truly My Best Friend and I can Use the Tools to Accept that I have Said My Peace.. I Have Made it Clear to Her What I Feel is Right... NOW....There is No Sense Reminding Her what it is that she Does, Cause she is Very aware (on that Topic) :) ... Its Very Clear that she is the Person she is due to the Life style she has had to try and manage... I Can Now have Compassion for the Women and See that she Can't Help Who she is, and Its Not My Job to Make her Something she is Not... I Can just be the Gentle Voice in the back of her head that at one time Made it Easier for her to Think about NEXT TIME... and Then PRAY She Hears it :)

I think it is Great that you Care & Love your Parents Like you Do, the World Lacks that Kinda Love sometimes, and I also Help Care for My 90 yr Old AGram, and I Can tell you, It Hurts to See Her Struggle thru stuff, but I Couldn't be More Grateful for the Time I Have with her... Al-Anon Has Helped Me Many times with the Tools, "How Important is it!" and "Easy Does it" and My All Time Favorite THINK... Is It TRUE, Is It HONEST, Is It IMPORTANT, Is It NECESSARY, Is It KIND? Because usually with Her I have Learned, By the Time I Get to N-Necessary.... I Lost the Battle :D lol

Prayers all goes well for all involved... Thanks for the Reminder that we are ALL Human, Regardless of what Life we are Steering, Some Of Us Just don't have the Tools... But we are Human indeed :) Thanks for Your Share... Please Take what You Like and Leave the Rest...

Friends In Recovery

Jozie

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand how you felt pinkchip. Its good you have your wisdom to share with them. You are powerless. I suggest praying for them, ask your hp to deal with this one and keep them safe.

Its such a sick disease that seems to pop up in unexpected places. A great reminder for us as to why we need this program.x

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know, I see that my mother and stepfather have always come down like a sack of lead balloons on myself, my eldest brother, and the youngest when we drank/drugged/acted crazy (and I don't mean a little bit crazy). So we are all very cautious to be respectful and super-sober around them. Yet my middle brother is a practising alcoholic living at home and they react by barging into his room every night when he is incoherent (and he gets dangerous, he's on a bunch of antidepressants and anxioltics and antabuse and one night not that long ago he took out all of the windows in the family home with a golf club and has been arrested for being just plain drunk and weird recently) and all they do is confront him when he is incoherent and have another chat with him that he wont remember about how he mustn't drink anymore and remind him of what he agreed to last night when he was drunk and incoherent...and then my mother sits down with my sister and they drink together until they are both completely legless! On a nightly basis!
There isn't one person in that house that I don't love, but it is their circus. I didn't introduce alcoholism to their lives and I am not responsible for protecting them from it. I do know that my parents weren't born yesterday and they know a lot more than I give them credit for. How they choose to apply that knowledge is their business.
Just my thoughts and what your post made me think of.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and have had the talk with my Mother several times, but she will do whatever she wants including letting her live in pot head boyfriend rule the roust. I have had to learn to detach even though I fear for her, she has told me on no uncertain terms she is happy living life on her terms. This is a hard one for sure! Sorry you are gong through this. Sending you love and support!

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