The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've spent all weekend with the ABF and he has been super healthy sounding. He has been talking about his recovery and is doing well. He goes to court on one of his DUI charges tomorrow and will most likely go into a DUI program where he gets screened every day and has to attend meetings for the next 24 months. This DUI happened right at a year ago but the state couldn't get his evidence together and a bunch of other craziness that has drug this thing out. It's a shame that he just caught new charges last week due to his being drunk but everything happens for a reason I suppse. He is saying he is looking forward to being in the program and maybe it's good that he will be required to screen and that will hold him accountable while he gets some clean time and recovery under his belt.
Anyways- I'm being supportive but I keep getting all these thoughts in my head like "he wants to get clean for the program but he wouldn't for me" or "well we will see if he fails and winds up back in jail"
How do I keep the focus on me and not obsess over all the ways he can mess this up?
The disease doesn't personalise. You love him even with the disease. The program does not. You are probably the person he and his disease test the most because both entities are banking on your love and understanding (and maybe enabling too). I know more folks that got sober AFTER their spouse or GF left than to stop that from happening sadly. Consequences and hitting bottom are all that really affects the disease and even those are such that we can't predict what consequences will amount to someone hitting bottom. If love from us or from them towards us was enough, there would be no alcoholics nor a need for alanon. When you get thoughts like "he wants to do it for the program and not me" push those thought right out of your head and QTIP (quit taking it personal). It's only demeaning to yourself and doesn't help either of you. You were and are always good enough for him to sober up. Unfortunately, you are also sweet and caring and loyal enough for him not to. This program...whatever it is, is not going to be loyal or forgiving and he knows that.
Wow!! PinkChip ...that is a keeper I remember from long ago and just as true as when I first heard it. I almost feel woke up again by it as its been so long since I heard it. This one won't leave for at lease a week. (((hugs)))
And here I sit worrying about AUGUST and our vacation.. if I worry about tomorrow I can't enjoy today! So I don't even worry about tomorrow much less what will happen WHEN (i don't say IF) he relapses.
I personally did NOT like the fact that losing me was my AH's rock bottom. He originally opted to get sober to NOT lose me. I set a boundary that said "no more" and he went to rehab for me. Thankfully after about two weeks in rehab he realized he needed to so it for himself or it would not work. I was thrilled to no longer have the whole "I'm doing this for you and I'll be drunk at your funeral" thrown in my face. I wanted him to get sober FOR HIM.
and I kept faking it till it clicked... and eventually it will click...
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Good points nessa. If you had stayed his only reason...the sobriety wouldn't have lasted and you would have eventually cracked and been like "Fine! Go drink and get the (BEEP) out!"
Pinkchip, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I know that whether he chooses to use really has nothing to do with me. I have also noticed that when I stopped losing my mind on him when he relapsed, it would significantly reduce the length of the binge. Before I was- "how could you do this to me?" "you were doing so well, what is wrong with you!?" the crying, dramatics and anger would consume me and I would turn it into a crisis. I was trying to control him and to control the disease.
Nowadays, including the last time when he got arrested, I was just like- "I'm sorry to see that your struggling. If you need anything let me know and I will look at where im at and see if it is something I am willing to do". Usually, I was the one coming up with all the "solutions", begging him to comply and then getting resentful when it didn't work out my way. I can really see how God is working on my character through this whole thing and it actually has brought me a great deal of peace in situations I typically would have deemed the anti-peace.
I have to say that I never gave this program the credit It deserved but in all fairness I never applied it. I have been to resentful that I even needed it. I am coming to believe more than ever that this is not just "his problem". The ways I react can have a positive or negative impact. Also, I am really starting to internalize the concept of loving detachment. I don't have to equate his sobriety with my self-worth. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. The amount of emotional freedom that has given me is priceless and so unexpected. I did not realize how much I truly was burdened by thinking that everything had to do with me.
You make some excellent observations in your post:
I know that whether he chooses to use really has nothing to do with me.
I can really see how God is working on my character through this whole thing and it actually has brought me a great deal of peace
I am really starting to internalize the concept of loving detachment.
I don't have to equate his sobriety with my self-worth. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
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I can relate to your post. I have two teenagers right now abusing drugs and getting in trouble. My son is under investigation with the local PD.
When we obsess about things- this is OUR diesase. We obsess because we THINK we can control the outcomes. If we worry about this long enough we'll find the solution. This is where we kick God out of the drivers seat and take over. This is an illusion and can actually make things woarse for all involved. The obession is rooted in FEAR. Fear that I'm not going to get something I want or loose something I have. The opposite of Fear is FAITH. The 12 Steps is a faith based program. Having faith that God has the details worked out and I'll be okay whatever the outcome is to be. Detach with love- knowing that we are powerless over people, their choices, actions and consequences. The slogan- Let Go and Let God is a good mantra that I repeat to myself.
When this obesession starts with me- I hear my Sponsor ringing in my head- "they have a Higher Power and it's not you".
