The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been coming to this board for a little while now. I read a lot and post a little. I just returned from my f2f meeting today which was on the 5th step. Having just begun to work the steps I usually just listen when I go to meetings. I feel like I want to say something and I get really nervous and anxious the closer it gets to my turn, but when it is my turn I have worked myself into such a panic that all I can muster is a "glad to be here, I've heard a lot of good things, I'm going to listen today, I'll pass". I am having a terrible time trying to pull apart what I am thinking and feeling. At meetings I hear so much that I can relate to, but when it comes to remembering it later I fail. Gratefully some things come back to me and I write them down. Journaling has helped some and I take notes in the meetings. I was told that was ok. I was also told that it will come back to me when I need it.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. The strange part about that is that when growing up I never once saw my dad drink, there was never alcohol in the house and my parents (really my mom) always mde it a point to say "we don't drink". I did see my dad drunk and I didn't like him that way. My mom hated alcohol and anyone who drank it was pretty much a bad person in her mind. So my relationship with alcohol was that it was bad and if I drank I would be committing a sin (combination of church upbringing and my mom's opinions). My mom's hate filled feelings about my dad were expressed to us kids and I actually came to hate my mom because she talked so badly about my dad. It was becoming to me to be a personal attack because I was his daughter, therefore, what you say about my dad you are saying about me. We are of the same flesh. I loved my dad, but I couldn't understand why he continued to drink. He expressed a lot of love for my mom and that is what confused me. Why would you continue to hurt her with your drinking if you loved her so much. He would come home stinking of alcohol and when asked ( more like accused) if he'd been drinking he would deny it. Denial became a strong platform in our family. I carry that trait, among others, with me to this day. Pretend it doesn't exist and then maybe it won't.
My family of origin should have brought me to al anon, but I first came because of my addict husband. We struggled for 9 years with his active abuse and I never once thought of al anon as being place I could go because then I might hurt his career because people would know that he abuses drugs. He could lose his job. It would be my fault and I also just didn't want anyone to know about it. I wanted to keep the outside looking pretty despite what it was doing to my health. It seems outside appearances were more important at the time. I can look back and see that I was scared stiff. Scared to let people in. Scared to let people get to know me even though I desperately wanted to have close relationships. Fear immobilized me.
I attended al anon last year of and on. It was only because my husband went to treatment and it was suggested I try it out. I did it with resentment. I was being told and it was "because of" my husband. I did not have much in the way of good feelings for my husband at that time and I did not want to do anything more for him. So I went and I heard some things that I liked because I wanted to come back. Those meetings last year I related most of what I felt to my marriage to an addict. A few times my thoughts would bring me back to my childhood wiht my A father, but mostly my attendance was solely based on my husband and what "he did to me". As the year progressed and I was beginning to realize my husband was getting better I started slacking off the al anon meetings. Things seemed to be going well and we were working out a lot of our baggage with one another. In general, it appeared we were going to be OK. I felt better because he was not using, but I didn't feel ALL better. By the end of the year I new I needed to take a good serious look at my own life. I had stopped al anon, but started going to an open AA speaker meeting (with my husband). It was there that I was hearing so much about "the miracles of the program" and how it worked in their lives, that they owed it all to the 12 steps and never imagined they could feel so happy, content, and comfortable with themselves. I could relate to many of the AA stories and hearing that they got their help from working the program/steps I began asking myself "are you content with you life just as it is?", "are you truly happy?" and the answer was a solid NO.
It feels like my life is a mess of cobwebs I'm walking through. The cobwebs are all of the emotions circulating through/around me and as I try to work on them they are all sticking to me and I am spending more time trying to shake them loose than time spent gaining any ground on managing them.
I came back to al anon a month and a half ago. It is extremely hard for me to share my feelings. I just can't seem to sort them out. So I apologize for this lengthy post, but I felt a need to get out whatever would spill through my fingers even if it doesn't make a lick of sense! I thought if I could get it down somehow and send it off to some place, then maybe it would be a way to get through the road block in my mind.
It feels good to simply spill what I can. Thanks I don't know what relationship this has to the 5th step I mentioned in the beginning. I got a little off course or maybe this was the course it was supposed to take all along!
I felt much like you for a long time. all confused, not able to unravel my inside thoughts and feelings. What does help immensley is a sponsor. Mine has been invaluable. She can see from the outside in and has brought many things to light that I would never even have thought of. A sponsor will help you work each step. Find someone you relate to in your group that has done the steps and ask. Most are happy to help someone else heal. As far as speaking in the meetings, go ahead and right things down when you hear them. I often take notes in my meeting. I hear some great stuff and know I won't recall it. Sooo, my best suggestion is..get a sponsor and take a notebook :) I'm just full of wisdom..lol
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks for sharing. You may feel that you are just spilling out , but you never know, sometimes something you say may be just what someone else needs to hear.
I really urge you to try to speak out a bit at your f2f meetings - it doesn't really matter if you are not completely coherent, we don't deduct points (thank goodness!) Just the act of speaking some of our feelings and fears out loud, and there being no bad consequence, is so freeing. And, it really helps the meeting when newcomers, especially, speak. The oldtimers have as much to learn from you as you have from them, that's the magic of the program.
I felt the same about speaking at meetings, you sit and wait for your turn planning what to say and then clam up when your turn comes.. Guess what at last weeks meeting I spoke for the first time and they couldnt shut me up it all came flooding out. A lot of it was mixed up but nobody cared they listened, spoke when it was relevant and clapped when I finished. More importantly it felt good. After the meeting one or two of us had a giggle about how we would have to extend meetings now I have started to talk, but who knows I might not feel like it this week but hey it doesnt matter its when its right for you.
Love to you and all who visit this site. Cause its GREAT.
Its getting easier for me to speak up at F2F meetings. Took awhile. In the beginning every time I opened my mouth I would cry - somedays are still like that. Sometimes I start by reading a page on the topic and go from there. Somedays I talk about my past wk and what the future wk will bring.
I don't know what relationship this has to the 5th step I mentioned in the beginning. I got a little off course or maybe this was the course it was supposed to take all along!