The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have said I'm an oinion, I know there's a bright diamond inside but I still am finding layers to peel off.
I used to feel like I could sleep for a year 7 that I was having PTSD from my childhood or being pushed, prodded, worked too hard, emotionally neglected, too many responsibilities, in honor's classes expected to make straight A's (as this was my "job"), dragged to all kinds of dance classes, in tumbling at 2 1/2 yrs old & emotionally neglected.
I made a conscious decision to never cry in fromt of my mother again at age 7, when she was drunk & high on dope & speed, telling me how beautiful I looked when I cired! This sent me into a rage & I shut down. I didn't know that all of my other emotions would shut down as well.
Eight yrs later at 15, after already running away twice & having found my mother half dead on the floor a year before, I tried desperately to blow my head off. The police said it was a miracle it didn't go off, no safety on, the couldn't understand it. As I lay collapsed emotionally exhausted from my hysteria I heard them saying this in the back seat of the police cruiser. Then they said, she's such a pretty little thing, wonder what could have driven her to this? That comment made me mad. But I was too exhausted to open my eyes, I think my soul may have been hovering over my body a little.
Well my psychopathic ex husband (addict) said a few knowledgable things, he was a guitar genius... he used to say, "show me a f**ked up kid & you will see 2 parents standing behind them much more screwed up!"
I believe this to be a true statement
The more I work the Program, the more memories come up, I guess it is God's way of allowing us to heal & let them go.
I want to be healed more than anything, being depressed, helpless & hopeless is the worst experience in the world... mother dmeanding me over the lst 20 years, "snap out of it!" only makes u feel worse, more guilt, more hopeless & no compassion, I just withdrew all the more.
O, God, I surrender myself to You God, only You truly love us, show me how to love myself, may Your Will be done & continue to use me as a tool, as long as u desire me. Thank You for putting joy in my heart for the first time in 30 years & I send my prayers back up to You God, that You may be healed along with Your flock all the faster. I know You do not want us to suffer but to know love & peace. I turn my will & life over to You, I know You want what is best for us, for us to know Your love, forgiveness & peace. Amen.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks for your post. It helps me keep my childhood issues in perspective. And I do agree that screwed up parents can make screwed up kids. But all we can do is keep moving forward. I pray that I am not like my parents and am able to give my daughter what she needs to be a well adjusted adult.
Even with all the pain I see in your posts, I am always amazed at the strength, faith and courage that eminates from what you write. I hope that others inspire you as you do to others (including me)
Thank you for being here!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have said I'm an oinion, I know there's a bright diamond inside but I still am finding layers to peel off.
________rosie____ me 2, lovey....U R a diamond inside, and i see U growing by the week......i too have ptss, and its a bitch, but talking about it, being BRUTALLY honest with ME, my I/C, and my HP have helped me abate it......truly i believe that total honesty/ openess and willingness can get us through just about ANY mental/ emotional illness there is......i see my changes/ growing..sure i have slips, i will till i die, but guess what??? i see the PROGRESS too, and i see that my "cleaning up my INside" is showing on my OUTside...i fixed up my ENTIRE house on the inside...spent about 2 grand (did a lot of the work myself , and saved about 3 grand) and i am soooo proud of me doing this and doing a good job....this stuff works, and i am here for life.....................nice post, girlfriend, love ya oodles, rosie
