The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sunday my alcoholic left against medical advice and came home. Everything was fine for that day, we took a walk in the park and then we just sat outside and enjoyed the weather. Sometimes we like to stroll through our neighborhood and pick apart the houses until we come up with an idea for our dream home which he plans to renovate himself. Fast forward to Wednesday and all hell broke loose. After coming home from work I went into the car and found a receipt from a pawn shop where my alcoholic pawned his golf clubs, "why would he do such a thing?" was the first thought that came to mind (considering we had a trip to HHI planned for August). Then I realized my unemployed alcoholic did it for cash, cash to buy his cheap, half gallon of poison.
I proceeded to go upstairs and found my dear alcoholic passed out on the couch snuggled up to his best friend Five O'clock. I lost it, I was enraged, destroyed and just feeling everything all at once. The old me would have dumped it out, but this time I kicked him out of the house with the love of his life (vodka). He did not go willingly and I had to physically force him out, in that event he ended up biting his lip pretty bad.
The police found him last night on the street around 11PM. While at the hospital he told the doctors and police officers I hit him and he opened an assault charge against me. I had a very lovely police officer at my door at 2AM getting my side of the story. Needless to say she believed me, and the chances of me facing charges are slim, however, they are most likely going to charge him with filing a false police report, and I pray they do. Our county hands out rehab sentences like candy and I would be thrilled for him to be hooked up to a breathalyzer for a couple years.
He called me this morning, and I did not give him a chance to say anything. I told him I was not allowed to talk to him because of the charges and we could not be within 100 feet of one another and hung up the phone (not true at all). Since then he has called 10 times, and I refuse to answer, even though my heart is screaming at me to pick up the phone.
He is the only person who has the ability to make me love him and hate him at the same time. I hate this disease, I hate what it does to him. Forcing him out of the house was wrong, but I was so angry at the disease itself I couldn't do anything but make him leave. He always likes to say "well you wouldn't leave me if I had cancer, would you? Alcoholism is the same thing". At what point is it enough? I am a codependent to my core, a bleeding heart that fell in love with the wrong man. My last post I asked myself if I hit rock bottom yet, I said yes. However, I think that THIS is my official rock bottom.
Tonight I am going to my first Al Anon meeting, and tomorrow I am taking the first step towards leaving this disease and moving on with my life. I have made the decision, and when he gets home from the hospital, I will not be there.
I wouldn't say that forcing him out of the house was wrong. I think that was completely the right thing to do for yourself. You have to think of yourself at this point. He will do what he wants to do. You just can't live around the disease anymore so for your sanity you had to kick him out. I completely understand where you are at and I applaud you for your courage. Even better that you are going to a f2f meeting. Sending you tons and tons of hugs.
So glad to hear you are going to a meeting. I want to strongly STRONGLY urge you to NOT give up on Al-anon after 1 meeting or even after 6 meetings. If you have the option to attend more than one group DO IT... I attended groups nightly till I found 3 that i love. It took me 8 weeks of nearly nightly meetings to finally start getting it and figure out which groups work for me. I kept going till the light bulb went off... but WHEN it did it was like the flood gates of relief opening.
I do not think forcing him out of the house was wrong. It's a consequence of his behavior. Mine was allowed to rot in jail for two nights before he asked for help and my boundary was " I will help with bail on the conditions that you a. go directly to detox and from detox you go directly to rehab, you must complete rehab and be working a program before you can come home"
He is sober now 95 days. and was just moved to phase 2 of his rehab. He did 28 days in patient. he's been outpatient now for 60 days. In about 4 weeks he will return to work. I go to my meetings. I have my sponsors and my program. He goes to his. His work is his. But as long as he's working it (progress NOT perfection) I'm willing to keep trying.
I refer to alcohol as his first love. and I never thought he would pick me over it but he did.
My only suggestion is that you should NOT ever LIE to him. the words "i can't talk to you right now I'm hanging up" are perfectly acceptable and the truth and NOT a lie.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Sounds to me like you did great Carrie! Putting your principles to practice. Now stay true to yourself and move forward. I see courage, boundaries, humility and faith in your actions.
Sounds like a lot of self care going on there, I think you did great!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Carrie, that was very courageous. I know a number of women that wished they had done that, but are still putting up with the same kinds of lines.
BTW IMO The answer to that line is "If you had cancer, would you refuse chemo? Then why aren't you at an AA meeting or in rehab? You are killing yourself by not treating your disease!"
" BTW IMO The answer to that line is "If you had cancer, would you refuse chemo? Then why aren't you at an AA meeting or in rehab? You are killing yourself by not treating your disease!"
Welcome Carrie, thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I'm glad that you found us, and hope that you will find healing in Al-Anon for yourself.
Besides f2f, there are virtual meetings here on the forum, just click on the link on the top of the page. They meet at 9pm and 9am ET on the weekdays and a slightly different version on the weekends.
Please keep coming back! You are always welcome here.
Welcome! I am so happy to read this post as you've done such an excellent job at taking care of self first. You have set good boundaries and I am quite frankly inspired! :)
Not sure that asking him not to live under the same roof as you was in any way the "wrong " or bad thing to do... I don't know you of course, but would just encourage you to be gentle with yourself.
And allowing him to work through the ramifications of his actions ( as we do ours ) is an excellent step at real recovery.
Looking forward to hearing how the first f2f goes!
I am new to this board. I am so glad I found it. I have been feeling alone in this struggle for sooo long now. Do not feel bad for doing what you did. Although, it is easier said than done. I still feel bad to this day. I left mine at work one day and never went back for him. I donated all his clothes to the Goodwill. I said enough was enough. I had been putting him first for too long. I was done. I understand you completely when you say, he is the only one that has the ability to make me love him and hate him at the same time. It is horrible and an awful feeling.
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Colleen
Coursge is taking the first step even if we cannot see the path ahead.
You did great taking care of yourself. The comment about having cancer makes me mad. My hubby is an alcoholic but in AA now. Since he got in AA he has had 3 different cancers, all of them ready to kill him if he didn't treat it hard.
From MY point of view as the person who lived with him through all of his drinking days (30 years) and his cancer treatment days...... the cancer was so much easier on me. Cancer doesn't cause mental illness. It didn't ever make him call me a bitch. It made him feel terrible but he didn't blame me for it. I felt bad for what he had to go through but I didn't think I would have to divorce him because of his attitude. Cancer didn't make me give up on him the way alcohol did.
The response you got from the others is perfect. Tell him to treat his cancer... or diabetes.... or whatever disease of the week he comes up with.
Good idea to go to AlAnon, but the idea that you are going to move on is not the intent of AlAnon. You will learn that you have been affected in how you interact with other people by living with your alcoholic as long as you have. You have changed because you have had to accommodate his illness and his choices. And you don't even know how much of this manipulating has been going on until you look hard at yourself. AlAnon helps you with all this.
Staying versus going does not mean you are weak or strong. Dealing with this disease...you are already strong. If and when it comes time to leave and really end things, it just means being strong in a new way.
