The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband stopped drinking in 2008 when he was incarcerated. He has been out and done since 2011.
He's exhibited signs of dry drunk since he was arrested and I'm sorry to say, still has the personality, just not the booze. He's been pretty stressed the last couple of months and started going to meetings after he really wanted to start drinking again.
I had no idea there was such a thing as dry drunk (he's heard of it and that's it). I've made appointments with a primary care and psychologist next week as he also has anxiety disorder and PTSD. He has NOT started drinking again, but I'm seeing that I am handling him all wrong, judging by the posts made when I searched dry drunk.
I'm am upset that he's been going to meetings for the last 3 months without telling me (I was starting to think he was seeing another woman), it's caused a huge drama, not sure why he didn't tell me and he won't tell me why he didn't tell me. He's been very successful with his business and I'm really proud of him for not relapsing...but he definitely needs the counseling from what I've read.
I guess my question is, should I go to Al-Anon meetings? It never occurred to me since prisons and jails tend to focus on the inmates at the AA meetings and families are pretty much left twisting in the wind.
Face to face alanon meetings are a good place to
Start your journey. Alcoholism is a complex disease
Of the mind body and spirit. Much can be learned
From alanon meetings as well as open AA meetings.
Alanon is for us, we need a program To help us recover
from the effects of alcoholism. We get as sick as they
Are but in a different way. You learn new tools like
Loving detachnent and heathy boundaries among
Other Useful tools.
Alanon with teach you self care, self love and self
Acceptance with the help of your higher power.
It is a me program about us growing no matter
What the alcoholic does or doesn't do.
Alanon and 12 step principles can pretty much benefit anybody. There are all kinds of reasons why he might not have wanted to tell you about meetings. I'm not saying it's right but he probably thought it would worry you or make him appear like he was about to relapse. Actually, his going to meetings is a blessing so that is something good. It will aid his sobriety. It doesn't guarantee you will have a happily every after marriage....but it lessens the chance that alcoholism will be at the core of problems. I would not say you have done anything "wrong." You are acting out of concern. He can, however, make his own appointments and seek out his own therapy. He showed you he could seek out AA on his own, so I would leave that all up to him. Keep the focus on you.
Welcome Hula Hoop, I am happy that your husband is maintaining his sobriety and attending AA meetings. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
Unfortunately, because we have lived with the disease and attempted to cope with all the ramifications of it, we too become infected by the disease and need a program of recovery. Al-Anon is that program and there face-to-face meetings held in most communities. The white pages will have the telephone number that can assist you.
It is here that I learned that I'd lost the focus of my own life because I was too busy taking care of others, I was filled with fear, anxiety and anger. Al-Anon tools of living one day at a time, Attending meetings, Breaking the isolation caused by the disease is extremely important to regaining my self and sanity.
Hi welcome, i understand that need and desire to control and fix and get life sorted out for another human being. It was a revelatiin to me to learn that no matter how close i was to someone else i couldnt run their life for them and while i was trying to i was neglecting my own life. Two seperate people with their own wants, needs, desires. Your probably thinking that your just helping him. Well helping him in this way is not helping him. If hes keeping secrets about gojng to aa then it sounds like he is serious about his own recovery. Maybe its time for you to get serious too, i suggest taking your eyes off him, let him deal with his own sobriety in the way he sees fit and putting them on yourself with alanon.
Greetings-Alanon in all forms helped me become a happier, more sane, less controlling person. I will have 2 years in this June. I didn't even see how sick I became trying to get my spouse to stop drinking. I also live with a dry drunk (I think there is occassionally drinking but not the frequency and amount as before.) I can't make my A get well-Lord knows I tried for 20 years. Now I'm becoming a person I can love and respect. My A has to figure out her own journey. Keep coming back. You've nothing to loose and everything to gain. :) Lyne
Thank you for all the replies. Our history is complicated, he's been in and out of prison and has now stayed out the longest ever. Each time was alcohol-related (losing control). This is why I became concerned as I could see history repeating itself.
I made the appointments knowing that he would go if I did. I don't think he sees that he's still acting like an alcoholic, he stopped drinking in jail in 2008 and spent 3 1/2 years in prison. I even made the comment to him on the phone while he was in jail when he spoke about drinking that he hadn't changed any, he was still as mean without alcohol.
We moved out of state in 2013 to start over completely. In January 2014, I was diagnosed with MS and was put on SSDI in December 2014. His biggest stress was me being sick h because I had always taken care of the bills with him contributing 1/3 because he couldn't really find a decent job with a criminal record.
He started his own business in the new state, and is doing really well, but the added stress of me being sick hasn't helped at all, in fact, he thinks I'm faking (yeah I wish), because I "look" normal to him.
SS has a program to assist people with disabilities to go back to work, so that it what I am doing tomorrow. From here on out, we're splitting all the bills 50/50 and he's responsible for handling the bills for his business.
It's been a mess for the past week and a half, and I don't expect it to resolve easily. There are a lot of things that we both did and said in panic, hurt and anger. I just know that I can't put up with the yelling and criticism and treating me like I'm stupid any more. He knows he left me high and dry when he went back to prison the 2nd time, I've also made it very clear that there will not be a 3rd time.
Alanon and 12 step principles can pretty much benefit anybody. There are all kinds of reasons why he might not have wanted to tell you about meetings. I'm not saying it's right but he probably thought it would worry you or make him appear like he was about to relapse. Actually, his going to meetings is a blessing so that is something good. It will aid his sobriety. It doesn't guarantee you will have a happily every after marriage....but it lessens the chance that alcoholism will be at the core of problems. I would not say you have done anything "wrong." You are acting out of concern. He can, however, make his own appointments and seek out his own therapy. He showed you he could seek out AA on his own, so I would leave that all up to him. Keep the focus on you.
It's really not a control issue, it's an issue of him being in one place instead of another. He was about to relapse, he told me he walked into a bar and ordered a pitcher of beer and then got up and left without drinking it.
I'm just now finding this out two months later...nights when he said he was fishing at the bridge (he fishes all the time), and tons of phone calls to a strange #. My antennae went up when he stopped doing routine things....#1 was not kissing me goodbye in the morning any more. When I asked him after a couple of weeks why he wasn't kissing me goodbye, he just said he wasn't in to it. We had a previous history of him being unfaithful prior to getting married, and what I saw were the same signs, so I tripped! His cell phone is/was on my account and I could see the numbers being called and one that stood out was an old-girlfriend from 20 years ago. I asked him why he was calling her and he said because she knew him back in the day...whatever that means...I told him but she doesn't know you now and I doubt you're the same person. It was a huge sign of disrespect for me, and I told him it was very hurtful to me that he was confiding in her instead of me (granted we fight a lot but still). I'm sure SHE knows that he started going back to AA, so of course it hurts even more.
I told him this morning that I thought about a lot of things last night and that we're not just dealing with my chronic disease or his business or money, we're dealing with him being an alcoholic and that I also needed to get help. So I plan on attending a local meeting this week for Beginners to start my journey.
