The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember feeling this empty before. It was how I felt consistently for months, maybe even years, before he dt'd in the hospital then went through treatment. I hated him, every ounce of him. I couldn't stand the way he looked or smelled. I dispised him, yet loved him. I stay, why? Because I feel sorry for him. Because I grew up in a divorced home and don't want to do that to my children. But what am I doing to them by staying? Our son believes that his father is never happy with him. That no matter what he does, it's never good enough. I see why he feels that way. Our daughter, she's the easy going on. She takes after me, stuffs it and moves on. She can be a little more vocal, but she's still pretty easy on the forgiveness. How do I complete step 1? I've been repeating step one in my head over and over again for 3 weeks, still haven't accepted it yet. How do I stay in a home with a man that has something to say for everything. Someone I feel shouldn't make decisions about the kids, but gets pissed when I go around him. Someone who isn't necessarily drinking himself silly like the past, but drinks? I'm so confused, so empty, so sad, angry, disappointed. I would love to check myself in to a padded room for about a month, but then what about the kids. Can't lose it, have to be there for them. Have to bring home the paychecks, have to do the laundry, clean the house, feed the dogs, put air in my tires, take out the trash, listen to A complain about whatever it may be for that minute. I thought I had given this over to my HP, but I'm feeling like I'm taking it all back again. Define "normal". I ask people that alot. Define "normal" please. Because I don't think I've ever been close to "normal". Dad was a drinker, step dad was (probably still is) a drinker, now mom's new bf is a drinker. Got rid of the step dad after he tried putting his tounge down my throat. Manipulation......it's his key to survival. I'm crazy, I don't know what I'm talking about. He's got it all figured out, he's just waiting for the rest of us to come around. Turning things around, I live with the master! He does something wrong, I call him on it and I end up apologizing! Sick???? Yup, I'm sick alright. I allow it. I'm weak, too weak to stand up for myself. Never have, why start now? How can I love someone that I hate so much?
you are not sick...just blinded a little by love and devotion.your A is very sick, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you crappy.
i had a very loving mom and dad. my parents were always happy and having fun...so i thought. i grew up in a drinking home. i had a "normal" childhood, but as i got older i realized that my mom was putting up with my dad just for us kids. my dad was mean to my mother: constantly yelling at her for no reason, drinking (but not getting drunk-just enough to be mean), saying nastey things about her to us. finally after 21yrs of marriage, my mom left my dad. it was the best thing she could have ever done! my sister and brother were younger than i was, so they grew up watching my dad degrade my mom. my brother was mad, at first. but then he saw how happy my mom was after she left. all those years my dad had made my mom out to be the enemy, and we realized that was a lie. now 6 yrs later, she has someone who treats her right. he is a good guy who would do anything for my mom, and does things for us (adult) kids like a dad would do.
and as far as defining a "normal" family life---NO ONE HAS IT!!! everyone has their own issues, problems, success, and happiness. families are like snowflakes-no two are ever alike. but being happy and content with the one you got is the most important thing. maybe staying with your A will make you happy...maybe it won't! my mom found true happiness when she decided not to be treated that way. my family has so much respect for her, but we wish that she had respect for herself enough to leave him sooner.
your children's lives will not be over if you decide it is too much to handle.
do you think that your kids having two parents in the same house is as important as being repected by all? all i have to say is R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!!!
I have been i your shoes, the love/hate relationship. Dealing with the kids, the house, the bills and on and on ad nauseum. There have been plenty of times I just wanted to pack a bag an catch a plane to somewhere anywhere where it would be peaceful. But that is not reality. And we have to be honest and deal with reality of what we are faced with. For me that reality was just accepting the fact that I am married to an alcoholic/addict, a man filled with tons of ego and self will. Sounds easy but its not. Coming from a dysfunctional home standing up for myself was no easy task. Just learning to say NO, was a big step. For me detaching most of the times mentally , sometimes physcally removing myself from the situation was the biggest tool I used. He is an alcoholic/addict and he is just doing what they do. It does not mean that I condone his actions I just accept it as part of my reality. There have be days where I just detach from everyone, around here we call them mental health days. LOL Just a chance to really feel and think and unwind. As for the kids one of mine has the capacity to accept & forgive, the other seems like she will follow in her dad's footsteps. To some degree this disease affects everyone. I just keep working my program doing the best I can for me and taking things ODAT.
