The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I still feel like Im just an outsider looking in. When did you stop feeling ashamed of attending AlAnon? When did you really feel like you got a strong hold of it?
There is nothing to be ashamed of for seeking help. No one can handle alcoholism alone and it is frustrating to have to seek help because of anothers disease.
Everyone is on their own timetable, Alanon is a lifelong program. Accept what works for you and leave the rest. The goal is for you to be happy. We all have set backs and times we feel we cannot cope. Just remember you are not on the outside looking in, we are all in this together, have all had bad days and can only hope that the bad days get fewer and we can be happy.
Ashamed of AlAnon???? Never! I have a problem due to my A's alcoholism, and AlAnon can help me. Where's the shame??? Now if you ask when did I stop being ashamed of having an alcoholic partner, I think that was the day I realized I was powerless to stop him, and it was not my fault. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When I hear the 3 C's they pricked my heart like an arrow, I believed them & knew that I could turn them around for me - I can control myself, I can change myself & I can cure myself.
I never was ashamed of going to al-anon, it was helping me. I was never ashamed of my family - I knew they were screwed up!
When I began to work on myself, it helped. After I worked through all of the guilt I had & I forgave myself for loving others more than myself, then, once I had learned to love myself ~ first ~ this is when my loving detachment set in for my parents & now I see them w/ compassion, the pity & anger has slipped away.
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One day, while sitting in on a meeting.. this... a feeling swept through me. At that moment I realized how much I really love "Me." That it no longer mattered what anyone, not my A, not anyone else thought or felt about that.
Joining and participating in Alanon is about "Me." I knew THEN it was OK to want the best for My Self. For Me. For my Family. Its "MY" support system. A chosen Way of Life. A place that I come to that helps me. Here I feel the same. The want.... from and by Others that want it too for themselves. Alanon is the "LIGHT" to me. It succeeds, EVERYTIME, in surrounding me in a Love that is vibrant and alive. A feeling that I understand now I deserve. We may not like what our A is doing to himself/herself... but that IS their decision. Its our decision on How we let it effect Us. ( It's now my decision on how I let it effect Me.)
Alanon has in so many ways, helped me find the right path that is best for me. For my family. Alanon is assuring and hopeful and filled with others that share and support the decision to have and to live a better life. How could I be ashamed of that. I just cant. ((LOVE YOU BARB ))
I'm so glad you asked this question and I'm glad that I read this. LOVED what everyone had to say. I'm so new to "working on myself" that it is a relief to hear what they had to say about this. There is hope that with time our feelings and outlook changes.
I don't know if I feel ashamed that I attend al anon, but I do feel a little like I'm keeping a "secret" from some people. My family and a few very close/old friends know my story and I don't feel bad about that at all, but when I meet new people (we are new to where we live so there are the usually "what brought you here" questions and in my case it was my husbands treatment for addiction and the fact that we didn't have anywhere to live except with family that brought us here, but how do you say that!!!) I feel like I am putting on a front to cover up what I think they may find is a reason not to like me. I'm still working through a lot of my own baggage so I am hoping that I will dig out my authentic self. This process feels a little like an archeological dig. I know there is something worth finding in me somewhere. I just have to scrape away the dirt!!
Ashamed of what??? For me there was no shame in seeking the help that I so desperately needed. I couldn't deal with the lies, the insanity, the chaos. Not to mention the booze & dope and the financial losses. I knew I couldn't do it alone. So for me there was no shame....
I remember when I went to my first Naranon meeting they asked me why I was there. I told them point blank I need help and I can't do this alone. I guess I was sent to this meeting by God because all of their focus was on their addicts instead of themselves. It stirred a lively discussion of where the focus should be...
Keep your focus on yourself and not on the alcoholic/addict. Do what you need to for yourself without guilt , shame or remorse. Many of us codependents have so little self esteem that doing something good for us seems to turn into a negative thing. We all are the children of God and we each have our rights to our lives and our dignity and our serenity.
I was just thinking about this very issue. Last night was my first meeting of any kind in many years. I found the meeting to be so helpful and I think it is because I don't feel ashamed any more.
I'm focusing on the three Cs and back then I think I thought I was better than everyone...that THIS could not possibly help ME. I am certainly not saying that this is how you feel. This is just my own experience. I think that my complete lack of humility "protected" me from my real feelings.
I also had to figure out how to differentiate what is mine and what belongs to other people. Like, yesterday I was with my mom picking out invitation paper for this big party we're having for my step-dad. I smelled alcohol on her. The old me would have thought it was something about me that made her need to drink to be with me. The me of yesterday thought, oh well, she chooses to drink. I choose to remind myself of that instead of taking it on as my responsibility for her drinking.
It's hard work, but worth it.
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Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing."--Chuang-Tzu
Everybody else has talked about the 'ashamed' part of this question - I'm going to talk about the 'how long' part.
Some basic stuff started working for me almost right away - just stopping doing some things I had been that were not useful, etc. I used some of the tools, and things got a little easier around home - that made me want to keep coming. After about two years in, I started to realize that I really had made some fundamental changes to myself, almost without noticing. The program seemed kinda impenetrable to me at first - I could see what NOT to do, but couldn't see what I was supposed to DO. I was looking for a set of rules to follow - another way to do good, to be the 'good girl'' I always had been, and to succeed at this program, the way I wanted to succeed at everything else in life. Eventually it started to sink in - this program really is not about anybody else, and not about pleasing anybody else. My program is really about ME. I am learning to look at myself honestly, without denial, but with love and acceptance. I had to learn a whle new way of being, and a new way of thinking.
Give yourself time, read what you can, experience as much as you can. I found that roundups and conventions really helped me 'get' the program; spending a whole day or a whole weekend on alanon is like nothing else you've ever done. There is no timetable here, just keep coming back.
((LOVE YOU BARB )) 