The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This post has the potential to be lengthy as i think.it may ve my confession, my admission if life gaving gotten unmanageable. Its no secret that i am married to an alcoholic. . If youve read my posts ever, you kniw my story well. Recently though ive cone to accept my own addiction . , to struggle and suffering. It seems tha for me my beverage if choice us to think all aspects of life are to be a struuggle and that i myst endure the suffering. This past sept i took a leave of absence from my job of 15 yrs due to panic, stress and anxiety. Ive been enduring a miserably toxic work environment for many years only to keep telling myself if i just keep giving and trying it is bound to get better. Well. . It didnt. .The last straw was given this past august when out if the blue my boss cut my hrs which cut my pay and benefit package by 13k. . This he did through an email a week before the school year started. My head said "fight" by body SCREAMED "flight". . I was no longer able to overide my body. My bp skyrocketed and panic set in and well 8months later i finally have learned that my body knew best and finally gave me the warning single to get me on my knees, beg my God for mercy.,get myself to a therapist, find meds to gelp ease my anxiety and to admitt that my obsession with struggle and suffering had led me to a point of unmanageability. All that said, my ah is still an active binge drinker. . Ive worked hard to detach with love. I have detached, but not always in love but im progressing. . NOW. . Im coming to terms with my need to detach from my own addiction and to come to terms with "my bottom". . To start to breathe, to turn off the negative talk in my head, to live one moment at a time and to listen to my whole body. Its odd to have uncovered MY addiction and believe me im still understandingbthe stronghold my toxic thought patterns have led to. . .I truly am afraid to feel vetter, to feel good, to he happy. I can barely write those words. Interestingly, i have always thoughtvif myself as having good self esteem. . Im strong, smart, hard working driven, loyal. . But im also insanely independent and i crave yet fear connections, im so loyal i stay in situations beyond what is healthy and my drive is all other focused, rarely me fpcused.
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Friday 10th of April 2015 11:13:49 PM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Oopps, hit submitt before i was done. . So.now im faced with my med leave coming to an end, resigning from a job for the first time in 15+ yrs and starting a new job next month. Im happily terrified. Nervously excited and knowing i am going to have to wrk VERY hard to.stay true and balanced. Im trying to apply what i know from alanon to MY addiction and MY need for recovery. Right now im manageing to.cope with my ah. . Its time to take care o
of me. Which is is a VERY hard thing to even type.
I appreciate any of you who have taken the time to read these ramblings. My f2f friends are in short supply. My family of origin blames my ah for EVERYTHING and well maybe some of you can understand my sensitivies, offer tlc and wisdom.
Thanks for being on my journey.
And now to stop overindulging on food.and try to lose the near 15# i have gained these past eight months. . Grrrrr =-O
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I appreciate your posts. Your strength is coming though big time! Writing about being addicted to suffering...that is powerful and I know I could include myself in that with you. I love the phrase you used 'happily terrified'. How great to see the positive even in the fear of the unknown.
I can relate to this. I had that same tendency too. I would ride a sinking ship until it was all the way underwater and I could not breathe. Now I am much better at jumping ships and finding life preservers....All metaphorically, but you get my drift...
This sounds like progress ocean. I know for me it wasnt untill it all fell apart that i could see i needed help. It sounds like your mind is open. I would run to alanon face to face meetings in my community and soak it up. You sound ready.
Dear Ocean Many hugs and kudos for your powerful share and your recovery. Your awareness, and acceptance of your own part in this insanity is an important step in finding serenity .
Your wisdom and courage speak for themselves and I pray that your new position will be filled with many positive experiences.
Trust the process. You are on your way
This addiction has brought you to your knees so the only way to go is up.
There isn't enough self esteem in the world to fight the sickness and disease of an addict. I too had finally asked my A husband to leave after 25 years of enduring his addiction and
behavior. My addiction was my codependency. Till finally like you I no longer could work due to high BP, stress, a minor stroke, DUI's, other women, other children. How much
are we too endure.
Its ok Ocean to let go....its ok to respect yourself , your life, its ok to be happy, its ok to find solutions. But you must finally let go. You r right, you must look to why you stay so long
in this situation. Mine was a Mother that had so many High expectations of me and was never satisfied period. That I had not made boundaries for myself. So it affected my adult life. I also
was a high achiever and I just knew that if I tolerated enough, hung in there, that all would be fine. It never occurred to me to just let go.
When I finally did the withdrawal was unbearable, but I was able to finally break my addiction to him. It has now been 8 years. The sad thing is he passed away a year and half ago of his
addiction. One never knows what their bottom will be, it could be death.
And where does that leave us, to follow the path of the Addict is a dead end, not for all some due get the courage to change, but what you are saying, it seems you have the courage to
change your life. And you will.
Keep coming back and work it and help others with your experiences, strength and hope
Hugs, Bettina
I understand where you are coming from. My life became
Unmanageable with dry ah disease taking over his thinking
and behaviors.
I was at rock bottom when i started alanon. I was in so much
Emotional pain from his actions. I have slowly pulled myself
Out of my pit of dispair. Growing and changing with the program,
Therapists, divorce care and good and supportive friends.
It has been a long hard journey to get emotionally healthy.
My bosses have been very supportive of my need to not get
Too stressed out. I was really traumatized and needed to heal
I can not deal with too much pressure put on me. That is Still
one day at a time. My ah pushed me to my limit of emotional
endurance after he started AA. It suppose to be a helping not
Hurting program but it was for him. Everything was my fault.
He still feels no remorse or regrets for his actions. The addict
Is in charge and he had become a very unpleasant man to me.
I am healing slowly. Reclaiming myself and my life.
=-O