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Our son has bipolar disorder (wearen't sure-that was hospital diagnosis several years ago). He used alcohol and drugs to self medicate and then addiction became his other crutch to bear. He has not used in over a year (since he moved back in with us at age 29), sees a psychiatrist and takes Rx. He works at a low paying job, but is working hard on another goal. Emotionally, he is still very difficult to live with as he re-hashes and re-hashes every bad thing that ever happened to him, feels slighted, takes offense at the smallest thing (my husband asked "did you have a good day?" and was subjected to a long barrage of recriminations....as our son said the way it was worded sounded judgmental ).
We look forward to himeeting being able to support himself-we have set a time limit on our help.
He called his sister the other night (she thought he was planning to ask for money) and he began in on her (not liking the way she talked to him apparently). She said she tried to remain respectful but by the next day, as she kept thinking about the way he talked to her and how he treats us (he has called her to say what terrible parents we were and when his verbal attacks on me have been particularly unrelenting, I have vented with her).
Anyway, the next night she let loose with some scathing texts to him in which she told him how little she thought of his behavior, plus she unfortunately dragged in other people-telling him what they thought of him, called him mentally ill, etc.
So, of course, he is upset and starts reading what she said to me (I am not encouraging thos-but once he decides to read you something he won'the stop). To both of them I suggested that they let it go.
However, with my son's bipolar disorder (I wonder if he is actually schizophrenic) this kind of "emotional stress triggers him into a mental tailspin. So for the last hour, he has started going over every negative thing his family has done which has affected him. I tried listening with empathy, then it got to a point where ai told him the conversation was distressing me and I didn't want to continue. I suggested he discuss this with a therapist, not me. The emotional assaults and his bizarre thinking made me cry so I tried walking away but as soon as I came back in the house he started in again.
Ideas?
I know nothing about mental illness but I have a lot of experience with alcoholics. With an alcoholic I know that it is very important for me to have boundaries as to what I will accept in my life. There have been times when I have had to cut off people in my life because of their abusive behavior and lack of respect for me as a person. Looking back, I can't believe that I allowed myself to be belittled and screamed at because I felt that I was trying to help the alcoholic.
My feeling is that labels like bipolar or schizophrenia doesnt make unacceptable behaviour any more acceptable, probably less so. He needs to be put in his place clearly and firmly. It will be good for him and its what most of us have to do with alcoholics. I learned that with my son i just made it clear in a simple sentence that i wasnt going to listen to negativity, it was bad for my health but if he wants to talk about so ething else let me know. Keeping it simple, no analysis of his behaviour or explanations really just i wont take part in this anymore. Then when he continued i walked away, every time, if he followed me i left the house for a while. It didnt take long of this and he learned and it ended. While you are listening to his self pity and negativity and feeling sorry for him because he has a label you are feeding in to it and encouraging it and its no good for you or your family. I suggest you stop feeling sorry for him and get tough and you wil, have your life back. He only thinks hes the centre of the universe because he is.
My exAH is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features, which the shrink told me is pretty much thr same as schizophrenic on the mental illness continuum. I was often subjected to the type of pity party you've described. One of the shrinks told me the worst thing I could do was let him bully me, either directly or via the pity party. She said people I'm his condition need clearly set boundaries. Only since starting al anon have I been able to start putting boundaries in place. It's amazing, but being able to do this has really helped--our relationship is less acrimonious now that he knows I won't join the pity party.
am so sorry that this is going on. I know when my son would go into the past and blame me for such things as" lying but Santa" or other slights he perceived, I would say:" I do hear you and understand that was not fair and must have been painful." It is in the past and in order to live it is important to leave these things in the past knowing that we have learned from them .
I honestly thought you were speaking of my son (who is an addict) because it's those exact things he projects someone is saying to him and then he lashes out etc. That is classic Alcoholic/Addict behavior. It is very hard I know not to take it personally, but it is his disease talking.
Is he schizophrenic? Is he Bi-Polar? I was a Psych Nurse for almost 20 yrs and of course no one but a Dr can diagnose a person with an illness after series of tests are done. However, You didn't mention if your son was on any medication. As someone stated above having a Mental Issue and that includes Alcoholism/addiction is no reason for unacceptable behavior. He does not sound schizophrenic to me. Unlike popular belief schizophrenia is not having different personalities, not even close. An unmedicated schizophrenic is unable to form and execute plans, thoughts etc. Their thoughts are fractured, like a cracked mirror they can't put the pieces together. They experience Psychotic behavior such as hallucinating by sight, sounds (voices) or even smell and they act on those hallucinations. They (if you aren't watching the whole progression) lash out for seemingly no reason, they can't stop themselves as they are acting on either voices in their head telling them what to do, or the television, radio etc. It would be highly unlikely without medication a schizophrenic could hold down a job for any length of time.
Bi-Polar your son would have had to have had at least one serious bout of depression and a bout of Mania (awake for days, talking constantly, changing clothes hourly etc) and they also have bouts of Psychosis which can include hallucinations.
Both of these illness can be treated and their are many among the population who you'd never guess has a mental illness. There should be no bad stigma ever placed on a person who is mentally ill. The one difference I saw in my years working on Psych wards is those with Bi-Polar rarely if ever feel regret or remorse for their actions. Some do, but they are extremely self centered and it's almost like addiction where they are always the victim.
I know my son was diagnosed with Depression an he self medicates, he also knows this but recovery is not on his radar at this point.
Our daughter has chosen not to participate in our son's addiction. I do not vent to her only because of my own experience. My siblings were both A's but I love them dearly and I did not want to hear what they had done or said. I didn't want to be in the middle, they are older than me and were always my protectors. My daughter will see her brother just as long as he is sober. He wouldn't dream of asking her for a dime, she made herself clear a very long time ago. But should he find recovery, I'd want them to go back to being not only siblings but such good friends as they once were. This is a cunning and baffling disease trying to reason with the unreasonable made me insane and brought me here From one parent to another you are in my prayers as is your son!
From one parent to another you are in my prayers as is your son!