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OK so my A has been out of the house since Jan31. He called me from time to time and I knew he was drinking with his friends he is staying with. He was calling to tell me how he hates staying there with them, and how he misses me and the kids. He is starting a business and setting up a shop during all of this, and all with his friend's help. His friends smokes pot, drinks and treats his wife like crap, or so I am told. He tells me that his friend's wife is confiding in him that she really hates her husband, he calls her names, they sleep in seperate rooms, etc. None of my business I say, but tell him that it is too bad, and she should get some help. I have gone to see him a couple of times, once I went and got him (he has no transportation on his own) and we had breakfast and coffee. We talked about his situation, his business start up, and I told him he needs to get help. He does not ask to come home, but instead makes his situation sound rotten, and like even if he wanted to start the road to recovery it would be impossible. He felt that his friends would make fun of him, no way to get to meetings, and they are drinking often so would 'tempt' him. I responded by saying that it sounds difficult indeed, and he should try to think about a way to get out of it and get his own place then. I took him back and dropped him off. That was a couple of weeks ago. Since then he has signed a lease for his store and started renovating it to suit his needs. I told him I would like to see it and went out to do so on Sat. It is a nice place for him to begin his business, so good for him! HOwever, we sat in my car and talked for a bit. This is where I need to know if I did the right thing. . .
He again started to talk about how difficult his situation is and how he misses us here terribly. I asked him why did he make the decision to drink then, if he knew (from past experience) that it would mean he had to move out? He started to cry, and said that he has thought and thought about why he would make such a decision, and he just comes up empty. He said that it doesn't make any sense to him why, and no reasoning was behind the decision. I told him that it sounds to me like he does not have control over his decisions when it comes to drinking then, and it sounds to me like he really needs to get help with it. He cried more and got real quiet. It felt to me like he had admitted before that he is an alcoholic, but did not admit that he cannot control it himself, he thought he could manage it, and now he realizes that he cannot. I took the crying as his surrender to the thought of no control. He finally said that he feels that he cannot get to AA meetings from where he is, and that the environment is toxic, but did not ask to come home, I said that he just needs to make it a priority, like starting his business is. That he will find his way if he wants it enough, and that I hope he makes it. He will not ask to come home, but leads up to it again and again. I am aware that his weapon of choice is emotional blackmail, and so don't give in to it. He will act like he needs my help to suck me in, it is very hard to resist the urge to just say, come home, I'll take you to meetings, I will buy the literature, I will support you. Thanks to this site, I recognize that is my martyrdom, that I give all of myself away for his good. That I take all the risk, and he gets all the benefit. I still question myself though, and wish that I had a way to KNOW that I am making the right decisions. I love him so much, and so want him to get better, I want to encourage his good behaviour and his progress. But I feel like I am sacrificing myself either way, that I can't be with the person I love because I am being stubborn or something, or else I am sacrificing myself to help him have access to these things. He asked me to get him the AA literature, I told him I would try to. I went to look for it, and found I could order it, but I don't know if I want to! I am suspicious of even my own actions now, and wonder if this is too much 'help'. I really can't afford a bunch of books and stuff, I am on my own now, only work part time, go to school part time, have two kids to support. This is a HUGE distraction to what I need to be doing for me. But he is so gentle in his way with me, and is acting irresistably in need of help, and I have loved him for so long, and still do very much. Where do I draw the line? Am I being too hard? Should I help him even just a little bit? Is this more emotional blackmail? Am I being drawn in too much? From his past actions,I know he wants a 'normal' life, and that is true. He just can't control his urge to drink, but is everything I want for six or three or ten months at a time. Is this just more drama? It feels like drama. Please, can I get some insight from outside this situation? I could really use it. I am feeling like I am in limbo and kind of lost as to what I need to do or even want to do.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Keep in mind even though you feel you are sacrificing your emotions, you are doing the most loving thing for him, NOTHING. He had the determination to find a place to rent for his business and start it, he has the same determination within (somewhere) to find his way to a meeting. Buying him AA books won't help, only the people, support and meetings in AA will help him to understand his disease. I bet if he called AA someone would give him a ride to meetings. It's easy to talk the talk, not so easy to walk the walk. An oldtimer here told me to always "watch the behavior". That turned out to be key for me. Alcoholics are great manipulators. Many times I had to stop myself from being sucked in and ask myself about his behavior. Most of the time the answer was was B.S. , he's only talking the talk. His living situation may be toxic, but it is what he chose. He has an HP too, when your A decides to surrender and understand that alcohol controls his life, only then will he seek help. It will have nothing to do with you.
REFOCUS back on yourself, hand him over to his HP and pray that he finds his way..that's all you can do. He has his journey and you have yours. Stay on your own path. It is hard when we love someone, it's just natural to want to help. Alcohol is maddening, we just simply cannot help them. The A must find their own way in their own time..
Hang in there, you're doing great Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
A simple thing to remember, and try to act on, is "don't do for him what he can do for himself." Love, support, hugs, gentle words - sure, these are all things you can do for him. He can get his own AA literature - he just needs to get to a meeting, and they will point him in the right direction. He knows how to type AA into Google, just like you do.
A's doubt themselves, mostly. The more we do for them, the more we reinforce their belief that they are not really very capable. Just like little kids learning to tie their shoes, they need to just DO things, in order to get the confidence they need, instead of the false confidence of booze.
