The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Got a cutting email from my father tonight (right before bed of course so I'm still up) and at first I was extremely affected. I felt manipulated etc. But getting more involved in Alanon must be helping.
I realized suddenly my father is a sick man and he is in pain. Yes he (and my mother) have affected me throughout my life. I got pretty messed up actually, it's a miracle I'm alive truthfully. And yes he did not seem to take my feelings into account when he sent me this email tonight. And yes I felt all the old pains come up again that I don't matter and I'm the family punching bag.
But I don't want to create anymore pain for myself or add to anyone else'a so I read some Alanon literature and bang! It deepened my changed perspective, that he is suffering and also not lucid (although perhaps sober tonight).
after a few hours I sent him back a very brief, respectful email.
What I find is that
1) I am not angry.
2) I have not saved him from his guilt
3) Although it seems Ive been mistreated, I know the truth anyway
When I wake up, my pride might come back and I will have to do more work in Alanon on it. but I might wake up ok too. Either way I will surely get many more opportunities to practice.
I might not have done it perfectly but I want to give this Alanon stuff a real try.
Whether I stay in contact with them or not eventually, this was the best I could do for this day.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Thursday 9th of April 2015 10:47:15 PM
Sounds like you done well. It was revelation to me to learn that to hurt is to take a hurt as in i have a choice. How good is that? Sometimes, i can feel a bit hurt and it feels a wee bit good because i think they did this and that to me and i never did anything. Poor me, i hate to admit, sometimes feels ok to me.
Its easy to take the hurt. Not taking a hurt is harder, there are more steps to go through in our minds, it takes energy and sometimes im like ugh, i cant be bothered, i will just take the hurt and blame them.
However, this alanon, i can no longer allow myself to do this, its like a little angel sitting on my shoulder saying oh no, get thinking, sort this out, get to the truth. The truth is always, every time, that i have a choice and that no i wont take the hurt because im a big woman now and its up to me what goes in my mind and effects my emotions so pull your big pants up el-cee and dont be a big poor me baby. So, 9 times out of 10, almost 10, i dont take hurts, my mind wont allow it anymore.
I think it comes from understanding, like the way you have worked through it in your post. I knkw that people are flawed and so anyone behaving in a way i dont like then the chances are they are driven by something much more powerful than me, why would i let it hurt me? I love having choices, who would have thought its all a mind thing? Amazing. Thanks for the post. I think my higher power showed me this in just the right time.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 10th of April 2015 05:33:39 AM
Nice job WorkingThroughIt! One step at a time always worked for me as well. I always feel like I accomplished so much when I do not let the "A" make me feel bad!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Great posts ! Self awareness of your truths are so Important to understand first and foremost. Then when needed you can think Thru the issues and come up with answers or solutions with the help of your HP.
My ah and my mother push my buttons. I have taken off my buttons to keep myself safe from them. Self protection Is a God given right we have but many of us lose that or never knew It even existed.
Using the tools of alanon are life changing and makes us grow as A person with integrity and compassion toward others but we need To Put our HP first then us second. We then can become a more balanced and healthy Person.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Friday 10th of April 2015 07:53:47 AM
Balance is a word my new Alanon Sponsor is discussing with me. I started working with her last week and she's incredible and showing me what Alanon recovery really looks like.
I did think this through last night and I saw exactly what happened. If I had reacted that would have blocked me from doing that.
It's an old pattern between my father and me that has caused us a lifetime of problems. We are both people-pleasers who act from emotion and we are exactly alike. With my recovery I have outgrown most of this but I understand him and what happened.
Knowing he doesn't have a program I gently told him this morning what I saw in our miscommunication. Not using heavy recovery words or saying anything that would hurt him.
He may not be able to hear me but he can hear my self-responsibility and understanding, lightheartedness and acceptance.
As I've said I will probably separate from them soon anyway, and after a period of time I can perhaps go back later on my own terms. I don't know, I'm not there yet. But for today this works.
I hear detachment with love in your post andd honestly see how you did not engage, treated the person with courtesy and felt beter all around because you picked up your program tools instead of reacting in the former manner.
Thank you Betty and welcome back. Beautiful picture. You look so happy and relaxed and I hope you enjoyed your trip. You deserve it.
Alanon meetings almost every morning and learning to trust myself and my HP are helping. God bless.
