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I used to get endless promises about stopping drinking and making changes. Of course this never happens, since Al-Anon I now have the occasional ability to just ignore him and know it's the disease feeding me the BS I want to hear. BUT lately there are no more empty promises. My AH now likes to throw himself a pity party about his drinking, saying that he can't help it and he's not going to make me any promises that he knows he can't keep. I thought that this type of honesty would make me feel better, at least he admits it, right? Wrong! It's doing the opposite, I get even more angry with this new approach he's taking to "explain" why he's drunk again.
I wish I was to the point where I could just not care what he does and just do my own thing. I try to prepare myself everyday for the worst, but it still stabs me in the gut when I get home and there he is, drunk again. I am not surprised, but still very much affected by it. EACH and EVERY DAY.
Hi Coops. I don't know your personal situation but after 7 years of believing in lies and preparing myself for the worst, the ono way I managed to survive was keep myself to myself and by this I mean detaching as much as I could and separating. It was very difficult and seemed impossible but it worked. I just managed to do it when I reached my bottom. I can not control the other. I can control myself,
Take care.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
You will have to use the same techniques for this tack as well. Detachment with love. You will have to change you. There's nothing you can do about him, he is apparently trying another tack to try to get through to you and make sure that you stay emotionally needy so that he feels he can have control over you. You have already begun to change yourself, you will have to keep slogging through. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I haven't been to f2f meetings, no. I find any excuse in the book every time it's Wednesday (I found one near my office during lunch on Wednesdays). Deep down I keep hoping I won't need to go.
I was in the pits of hopelessness until I started f2f meetings 4+ months ago. I go to a few a week, have a sponsor, am working the steps, and even started praying daily (a miracle in itself for someone like me). Nothing else has changed in my life, but I'm happier than I have been in years. I've also notice a significant decrease in symptoms from chronic health conditions that I have. If you have a chance to go to that Wednesday meeting, please do-- you'll be amazed at the change that is possible!
I too Came here Long Before I Could go to a F2F Meeting, I was more or Less Dragged... I Remember it well... I Cried for the First Few, and I thought Everyone in the Room would just think I was Crazy, but instead at the end, They Hugged me and told me to Keep Coming back... its was One of the Best things I could Do for myself... I Still LOVE to Come Here and Get Some Extra Healing, but i Do Make 2 Al-Anon Meetings a week, F2F in my Hometown, We only have 3 :/ But I'm Grateful to make the time to get to them...
The Thing about this Disease (And i Speak Honestly because I am apart of it) is just how Cunning & baffling it can be.. The Manipulation that Comes with alcoholics Alone is More then Most can bare, and if one drys up and I would Quit Responding to it, then the next one game would begin... They know how to Play Us be cause for So Long, We where the Puppets.. and When we Begin to Allow HP/God of our Understanding to Really Come into our lives and TAKE the Guilt, Shame, Resentments, and Fears... What We have left if we are Willing... Is "Happy, Joyous & Free"
It Can't Happen over Night because it wasn't Over Night we Got where we are, its a Work in Progress... One Moment/Day at a time... Depending on how strong we are THAT Day or Moment ;)
Here you will continue to Grow, and Heal, and I Hope you Face the Fear of Making that F2F meeting... Because If you At Least Give it a Try, You May Find Your Serenity is Closer then you ever Imagined :)
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest...
Friends in Recovery...
Sounds like both you and he are going thru the same "fear of" and staying away for trying something new. My experience was also fear at first which kept me out and away from the face to face meetings and then loosing all options for not getting there at all. Saved my life. He isn't wanting to connect with AA either which would get past his "hopeless state" and find him a much better way of living. Pity partying and making excuses are evidences of fear. The meetings are free and everyone there has been or is just where you are at now...what better help could I get. (((((hugs)))))
Thankfully for me his pity party lasted a few short weeks and most of it was done away from home in his first stage of rehab. I do not now if I could find serenity if my husband was actively drinking. I have such respect for those working the program in the middle of active addictions.
MY personal take on this is that it's actually a sign that he's making progress towards recovery... I think that the pity party is the beginning of the acceptance of their disease.
My AH looked so sad and pathetic laying in the hospital bed with IVs in his arm in the detox ward and he said "I can't ever have another drink again can I?" and all he wanted was tea and sympathy... "no poor baby you can't--deal with it" Not sure what he expected maybe "oh sure once in a while I'll let you slip"
It's much like the whole Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on Dying thing... Denial, anger bereavement, depression, acceptance.... the stages a person goes through when someone dies apply to losing anything.... the A is losing their "first love" alcohol so they grieve their loss...
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
The alanon tool box has lots of choices in terms of dealing with alcoholism. It sounds like you are still attached to your husband and havent seperated yourself in terms of another persons choices are theirs to make. Learning about the disease helps us see that its n ot about him choosing to drink instead of doing what you want him to do. It takes time to get to the point of ' not caring' and when your there you do in fact care very much, but in the right way with a healthy dose if reality.
There's no way to shine up active alcoholism and make it acceptable. Alanon tools just help us to regain our own focus and detach. Nothing is going to make you feel like his drinking and all the behaviors around it are suddenly okay. It will just not ruin your life quite as much.
