The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After coming home yesterday to my "recovering" alcoholic I found him curled up next to a bottle of vodka on the couch. I immediately remembered the happiness I felt during his sobriety and then fear hit me to my core and I grabbed the bottle, ran to the bathroom so he couldn't catch me and dumped it out. He immediately went irate and called me every awful name he could think of. Then I felt the anger and I kicked him out of the house. He roamed the streets of our downtown city all day, drinking and dashing out on the bill at multiple bars until he was finally found unconscious in the bathroom of another bar.
He is now at the hospital for another detox. Since February this we have experienced: 1 apartment fire due to his drunken stooper, 1 rehab visit, and 7 (yes 7) hospital visits for intoxication/detox.
He is now laying in bed at the hospital, making the same promises I have heard so many times before and giving me the false hope that I cling on to every single time. I am really struggling with the fact of whether or not I should believe him and allow him back into our home, or just let him stay in the hospital and never return. Despite his being taken away via ambulance, last night was the first night I have slept peacefully in weeks. I did not have to worry about hiding my wallet or the car keys or what type of mess I would have to clean up in the morning. I was able to take a shower this morning without bringing my purse into the bathroom with me to lock the door. Despite being at work typing this...I am sitting here without a care in the world because he is being taken care of and he is not drinking.
I added it up and I have slept 17 nights in the hospital from February to March. I have stayed in 3 different hotels for a total of one month because he caught our apartment on fire, exhausted my vacation days and neglected my finances.
I have officially lost myself. Everyone asks the alcoholic if they have hit rock bottom yet. However, I feel like someone needs to ask me that, therefore I am asking myself if I have hit rock bottom, and I believe the answer is yes. But despite the fact I think I have hit rock bottom, this man is like a drug to me and it is painful to think of letting him go. Painful because he will no longer be in my life, and painful because I am afraid he will die homeless and alone and his blood will be on my hands. Once upon a time my life consisted of laughter and happiness, now my life consists of hospital visits, tears, bottomless carpet cleaner, broken promises, anxiety, depression, resentment, and frustration as to my failure to be enough for him to remain sober.
I have hit my rock bottom, but my addiction is the love of my life.
Welcome Carrie, You are not alone. I could have written your posting several years ago as I attempted to deal with the same insanity of alcoholism as you are describing at the moment. I did not understand that Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which I was powerless and because of living with the disease I too had developed destructive coping tools from which I needed help to recover.
Alanon offered me hope and help. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is listed in the white pages. I urge you to reach out for the support and understanding that is so readily available here. Keep coming back there is help.
Painful because he will no longer be in my life, and painful because I am afraid he will die homeless and alone and his blood will be on my hands.
Hi Carrie,
IN Al Anon we first learn what are called the 3 C's - we didn't cause the alcoholism, we can't control it, and we won't cure it. It is an incurable disease which your husband must want to recover from before anything different will happen. It sounds like you kind of understand this. But if you really understood it, you would know there would not be blood on your hands. He can choose to get recovery, he can choose to go to AA meetings or other kinds of recovery program help. You cannot do this for him. He could die if he doesn't. You won't have done this.
In addition, he gets to be taken care of every time he makes one of those promises and you buy back in. I know how that goes, I used to hear a lot of promises to stop drinking. Only when my wife got into AA and took her recovery work seriously did any of those promises come true. By being able to come back home, he gets to spend more money, wreck the house, and make your life miserable. This could kill YOU. And while he is active, he may not even have the capability to care.
If you get to an Al anon meeting, you can get lots of good help with this, and discover how to put the focus back on you. That fun and laughter can again be yours, but they are up to you to initiate. Nobody else can do it for you. And Al Anon and working the steps can give that back to you.
I agree it is finely time for me to go to Al Anon. I have my own therapist that I see on a weekly basis and have on speed dial but until you live with addiction, no one can really understand what you are going through no matter how much training one has had.
The social worker keeps pushing rehab, but in my mind he has done two rehab facilities and has relapsed every time. Why would we spend more money on another facility? What is the difference? I don't mean to sound cynical, but if he isn't going to embrace change then rehab seems pointless to me.
At my wife's first rehab she came out with much enthusiasm, worked her program for awhile, but relapsed within a 4 months, then got her 1st and 2nd DUIs. Once she spent 10 days in jail for her second DUI, she had had enough, and decided she was going to have to fully embrace recovery.
I do also think that the rehab she went to the second time was better than the first. it was more intimate, and counselors there were quite experienced and all were in recovery for at least 10-15 years. In the first rehab it seemed like most of the people in recovery were working menial jobs, but the counselors seemed like they were pretty young and hadn't really quite experienced life on life's terms yet.
But, it is entirely up to him., you are totally right, if he won't embrace it, it's just throwing more money down the rathole. How do you know if he means it this time. Well, you don't, do you. So you have to make the decision as to whether he may or may not. or let him figure it out on his own. If he really wants it, he will figure it out. Even though I picked my wife up from jail, if I hadn't she would have figured out a way to get to rehab.
Its a good place to reach, rock bottom, well it was for me. It was when i finally admitted that i had a problem and i needed help, so i got myself to an alanon meeting and started changing my thought processes and my behaviour. I was affected by alcoholism which meant i was as addicted to the drinkers as they were to the drink. I needed recovery as much as him and i got it. Rock bottom is a gift, not everyone reaches it u til its too late.
I agree LC-- rock bottom is a gift. The gift of desperation! My rock bottom was just like any other day-- I was miserable and couldn't decide whether to stay or go. There was no joy left in life, and nowhere left to turn. I hated going to al anon--I resented having to spend my time there--the As should be at AA instead, I felt. But I quickly realized that nothing else had worked, and the people at al anon understood me, so I decided to keep going. I'm so glad I did because life has changed so much. The As still drink but I'm trudging the road to happy destiny along my own path. Friends who have known me for decades are stunned at the change in me
WELCOME CARRIE To MIP Family :) Very Glad you are Here, and Hope you Continue to Come back...
This was My Very First Welcome Mat Into Al-Anon and I got here in Nov. 08... I had Just Lost My 58 yr old Afather to this Disease and i was Pissed and On a Mission to Then Save my Baby Brother... But What a Found... SAVED ME :)
My Abrother Still to this Day Drinks, and Lives his Life as He Chooses, and I Do that Same, in Al-Anon I Found Healing and Loving Understanding, something that I had Never had in my Alcoholic home for Many years over time... I Also Found My Very OWN Soberity RIGHT HERE... and I'm now 4.5 Years Sober from Alcohol... Nothing in my Life is the same since this Journey started other then My Address.. (And soon I Hope to Change that too) I have Discovered that I am ALLOWED to Have a Good Nights Sleep, reguardless of those around me, I Worthy of a Happy, Loving Life... With or Without My Alcoholics... and I am Human and Make Many Mistakes in the Enabling Department of my Family, but... I'm a Daily Work in Progress... and MIP & AL-Anon Taught me that...
I Hope for you is that you continue to stop by here, and Find yourself a F2F Meeting in your Area... This Place here is AMAZING, but so are Face to Face Contact with People Walkin the Same Painful road as you... You are Not Alone, and You have Landed In the Exact Place you where Meant to Be... So Please...
Welcome Carrie! I hit rock bottom as did my AH on January 5th at three am when the police came to our home and took him away in handcuffs for trying to kill me. I let him sit in custody for two nights and when he called I told him he could not come home without Rehab. He had never done rehab and I had never set a boundary so it was new for us.
He went. He is in the early stages of recovery and I'm working on living one day at at time and not worrying about relapse.
I love al-anon. However on January 14th when I walked into my first meeting I was angry. I was scared. I was frustrated. I was mad. I wanted Al-anon to tell me how to act to help him. I knew I had no control over him. I knew that his drinking was a disease not a moral failing, and I knew there was no cure that abstinence was the only way for him. I also knew that I contributed to his disease with my own disease of co-dependency.
I had the Awareness but not the Acceptance or the Action.
Slogans... bleh.. they are useless... tell me WHAT TO DO! Nope... we won't tell you what to do... you have to figure it out...
we will however give you tools and support. and unconditional love.
So my blessing is that I have a lot of meetings to choose from every day and I did. I went to a different meeting every day for weeks and weeks.
finally about 8 weeks into my own recovery (I am 10 days behind my AH in getting into recovery) I got it.
And while the "ah-ha" moment is incredible the baby steps working towards it are huge and helpful...
I found 3 meetings I call my home meetings each week. I don't make every meeting but their is one group on Wednesdays I will not miss.
I got a sponsor... I work with her on my steps and I am amazed AMAZED that after years and years of therapy and tons and tons of money spent all I needed was 12 steps and an open mind...
I am a newbie but I am here for life... my life was unmanageable. Now it's better.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
When i reached rock bottom my life and marriage
Could not go any lower. My dry ah was acting out
And being very abusive. My ah has been dry for 30
years but events changed our lives 12 years ago and
His alcoholic behaviors started really coming out,
With increasing nastiness toward me and our life.
Ah started AA four years ago and his abuse toward
Me really took off. He was not emotionally sober but
Dry. I started attending alanon and just sat listening
And crying. I stopped going for awhile then returned
And i still just sat listening ,learning and absorbing.
My ah finally left nine months ago for his new AA gf.
Thats when my real recovery journey really took off.
i have Been on a very bumpy road with recovery,
grief and Trauma all going at the same time. It has
been very Intense and painful journey.
I am glad you found this support site! It helped me to learn that the roller-coaster ride I was on was not unique to me and my alcoholic xbf. I had exhausted myself trying to keep things together.
The first night I went to a face-to-face al-anon meeting we read the 1st step aloud. I can still feel the wave of relief that came over me at the time. My life WAS unmanageable and I WAS powerless over alcohol. How did they know??? :) The word 'unmanageable' summed up my life perfectly. They said that addiction only leads to 4 places. Jail, hospital, cemetery or a 12 step meeting. Since my BF had already been involuntarily hospitalized TWICE I figured they knew what they were talking about. Pick up a copy of every free pamphlet they have. They are sooo helpful to read when you need a little reassurance that life is going to be ok. Take it from someone who has walked in the same shoes as you; it is going to be OK.
While he is in the hospital, take this time to find help for you. Al-anon will give you the tools to help the only person you can; yourself.
Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot of nonsense that wasn't your fault.
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I cannot begin to explain how comforting it is to know I am not the only one and that there is support out there. I went to the hospital last night to visit my alcoholic and he assured me he hit his rock bottom and that he wanted to go to rehab (for the third time). Unfortunately, I don't believe it and I am done getting my hopes up just to have him let me down.
After he told me that I went to the cafeteria to eat some dinner. While I was there I just looked out the window watching the rain and I lost it. I just starting crying at the table as if every ounce of pain I have felt over this addiction this just hit me all at once. With that, I gained courage to tell him something I have never been able to say before. I went back up to the room and said that if he is serious about embracing sobriety I will support his decision and pray for him everyday. Then I told him that if he is not sincere he needs to have the decency to let me go.
I finally got him in touch with MY reality which is a big ball of emptiness that once used to enjoy laughing and the little things in life. I told him I was done living for him and I was taking control of my life again.
I have found two F2F meetings in my area that work with my schedule and I plan on going religiously.
Regardless whether or not he is ready to get on his path to healing, I am going to start down my path of healing and letting go. I am thankful I hit rock bottom and I am happy and excited to climb out towards the light.
So Great You Spoke your Mind, and Didn't Say it Mean... That's Recovery at its Finest :) Please Stop back and Let us Know How Your F2F Journey Goes, and Share your Continued Recovery... We Need you Just as Much as You Need Al-Anon :)
KEEP COMING BACK....
Friends in Recovery
Jozie
PS... I Think a Good Solid Cry is one of the Most Healing things in this Disease..., and Sometimes that is when I Can Hear My HP the Most :D
Although my Husband and I come from very addictive families, we were surly determined not to allow our children to be raised as we were. I was the caretaker for all my family members, I raised some of their children, always gave them a soft place to fall etc. I love my family despite their addictions, some have happily found recovery others have not. My bottom started when our son became an addict. Everything we worked so hard to stop was glaring back right at us. Oh we thought we could "fix" him, we were his parents, surly he would have to listen right? Nope nothing we did had any affect on his disease. He would stay awake and high for days at a time, fearing exactly what you've already gone though if he was awake I was awake.
He OD'd several times, off to jail constantly (this all continues) and we spent years believing his promises. Giving him a fresh start, bringing him home etc. All we were doing was enabling, just putting a roof over his head enabled him to use.
My Bottom seemed to have springs, I could be strong and stick to my boundaries for a while then get sucked in again. This was the one thing that for the 1st time in our almost 30 yr marriage my husband and I were pitted against each other. As a mother i couldn't let go of my child, as a Father my husband believed much earlier on our son needed to leave our home, it took 3 years of working this program for me to get on the same page with my husband. My son hadn't worked in over 2 years and we started out putting him in a sober home after a detox. He didn't last 2 weeks but our home was no longer an option. So he continues his cycle of getting a job, place to live, getting high, getting fired, evicted, homeless then back in jail and on and on.
We stay in close touch, he knows he isn't abandoned, this past Christmas was his first visit home in 3 yrs. We can't go back to the way we lived with him here and stay sane or even hope for a longer life span. We love him but an old timer told me "It is actually possible to love someone to death". She was right, as long as he was here he could go overboard, we would always be here to call the ambulance.
I think they believe the words and promises they give in the moment, no one I mean no one wants to be an alcoholic/addict. It's a miserable existence. But I've learned to believe what I SEE not what I HEAR. Actions speak louder than any words can.
Had I not found Alanon, worked (and still work it every moment) I'm not sure I'd even be here today. This program was my salvation. There is nothing wrong with loving people with this disease. I'd sure like you to be safe, out of harms way. You've already had a very close call with the fire. I hope you will join us, find a meeting in your area, join us here as we have meetings twice daily and you will find love and support from those who understand and know what you are going through,
Wishing you all the best and do keep coming back!
