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Hi! Any thoughts are SO welcome on this:)))
Shortly about the situation. Married 10 years, drinking was always a problem, denied in the beginning by both, now I think we both know there is alcoholism. Last year has been picking up the fruits of the disease at the highest point such as 3 jobs lost, DUI, not going to court trial due to another binge this week and now facing another arrest. I bailed him out last time and said I won't do again if he driving drunk. I am open to anything at this point, I am not trying to make him stop drinking, not trying to escape from the situation, not trying to ignore it or do something. I am living a day at a time. He is coming back on Saturday, most likely will be arrested in the airport (warrant has been issued because he didn't show up in court). I don't know what to do. I am praying to find God's will in this, whatever it is, but I am lost. I know AH will ask for bail and I thought I could do it with a condition of him going to rehab, but I don't even know how all that works and he is big enough to find out himself. Should I just leave him there till trial and let him learn his lesson? I do wish him one day he will get better, etc, but it is no longer my problem and a goal of my life. I am not making this decision to change him anymore, I would like to change me to the person God wants me to be. And I just don't know how:))) do I not get involved at all and if he asks me for something, do I just ignore it? He wasn't driving drunk, but he didn't show up in court, because he was too drunk and missed his flight (they didn't let him board), and I have to pay 2500 for that. I don't want to bail him again, yet he may still be covered by insurance and if he truly wants to get sober he could go to rehab now. Reading what I wrote I think again I am doing what he should be doing himself, so I am more leaning towards not doing anything and let things happened...
Hi Venera and welcome back...your post shows that you have been around recovery and have gone against the suggestion earning consequences that have strengthen you against repeating stuff that doesn't work. I was there and it led me to "doing the opposite" or "repeating behaviors that didn't work". I lost sight of trying to look helpful and sounding nice and just started practicing the many different methods of "No" without worrying what a newcomer looked like or sounded like during the learning phases. My alcoholic addict wife had many reactions to "no" and then the program taught me that the reactions would be normal. Normal before no was yes and the consequence was that the problem got worse and worse...I feel you know this. Fear of change was huge for me and then I learned that fear was a feeling and feeling don't really kill so I got use to doing new stuff with different more positive outcomes.
Alcoholism is termed cunning, powerful and baffling and one of the evidences of that for me was that when I took my hands out of an off of her (self) recovery and focused on my own...I got serene and she got sober. For me God's will is, "Being loving unconditionally" even when the alcoholic doesn't like how it appears. You sound like you have that character already...might as well practice and act it out. In support (((((hugs)))))
Im in the uk and we dont have this. If someone is arrested they go to court and the judge decides based on their previous if bail is granted, there is no such pressure on family, financially or otherwise. It seems like a money making scam to me. I know thats no help to you. I can only imagine how you feel having that decision on your mind. I think god wants people to have consequences because thats where the learning is. If you bail him out again he learns you bail him out and life goes back to normal for him. If you dont he learns that you dont and he gets some time to think over exactly who is responsible for the position be is in. I think personally it would be wrong to get him out, its enabling, classic rescuing, fixing.
Hi Venera it does sound very confusing and unsettling. I know that when I truly wanted to find HP's will, I increased my Al-Anon meetings, did more meditation and prayer, let go of my ideas of what I should do or what was right thing to do and then listened carefully to the still small voice within. I discovered that was HP's gentle guidance and when I could listen and act on it. I found things did seem to work out better than I anticipated.
Thank you for the responses, it is truly helpful! I do want to do the right thing and open to anything it is and any consequences. I did go to a meeting on Tuesday, I do listen to the alanon speakers daily and read the books, I am praying and very eager to make the right decision. I don't want it to be influenced by him , like his reaction or trying to teach him a lesson. He is most likely losing his job for not showing up at work, but he got a small chance still, if he holds a job, me and kids will have insurance, also he has my work badge which I need urgently and if he will be in prison, I won't be able to get it and may get in big trouble. I don't want to punish myself by teaching him a lesson, so it is hard to find a solution. I pray to God to see his will...
Its never going to be easy. There are consequences to doing the right thing for eveyone but doing the wrong thing, in my own experience, only ever provides short term relief and little or no change. Precventing a crisis allows the disease to esculate and the consequences that go along with that. Maybe you need aback up plan in terms of you and your children. Working towards gods will could still be gods will, so even if your not ready this time, we usually keep getting tested u til we choose the right answer.
