The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
after his brother[boss also] yelled at him for his taking off work and drinking etc,AH came home with the same sorry apology and the ceremonial in front of me purging of the bottles lol
I gave him an ultimatim which I INTEND to carry out! if he drinks again, he will have to sign off on my pension which is essence also means im GONE
listen miss, you dont understand all the specifics of my situation..i am 57 with some disablilites. you, i imagine are young and maybe hhave a good job. i have had a hard life and need to pinch every penny that is mine. been in and practicing alanon 9mths and have considered all my options. one of them is certaintly not living the rest of my live in misery
It sounds like you mean your boundary and it also sounds like it wont be long until he gives you the opportunity to follow through. Unless he gets into a recovery program, its doubtful he can stay sober on his own. We have all been where you are and its hard, painful. Some folks have kids mixed up in all this, some folks are setting the boundary for their own kid.
It didnt take me long to finally put an end to my relationship, it had been dead a long time but it needed the final axe to come down and i was about 6 months in alanon before i did but ive n ot looked back since. I dont have much of anything, i do have a good job that pays my bills but ive learned i dont need much either. My life has changed so much, for the better. Its like being freed from a prison because when i began changing so did everything.
you have said IF you drink again I am gone. I fear you needed to say "WHEN" you drink again. unless he is in a program and is actively working on it, he will more than likely drink again.
I'm about your age and I get it.
I fear you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop... and hoping it won't.
Are you doing anything to prepare for this or just sitting back and waiting?
My ESH:
My AH is a violent drunk who suffers from what I know know as alcohol psychosis coupled with blackouts.
The last time he drank he tried to kill me. The cops arrested him (the irony of it is that HE was the one who dialed 911 and called the cops on himself... that was our HP intervening to save both of us)
WHEN he called and asked IF I was going to help with bail (after 2 nights in custody and no attempt from me to bail him out like before) I told him "YES" but I set my boundary then and there with "I will bail you out on the following conditions: 1. you go directly to detox and from detox you go directly to rehab. You then must COMPLETE rehab and you may come home only if you complete rehab and are WORKING a program" He agreed.
Now his original motivation which lasted about two weeks in the rehab (and had he been home it would have failed obviously) was to get clean so he could be with me. It was not about him. About two weeks in, he figured out that he needed to get sober for himself. When he did the whole angry "I want to come home" thing and I said "no" he threatened divorce. I started planning my new life without him. selling the house and downsizing. About a week later his anger at my not "letting him" leave rehab was over and he called and was more rational.
after his first 28 days he transferred (not as planned but it turned out to be the best thing we did) to outpatient rehab and I permitted him to come home.
He knows full well that if he ever takes a drink again I will leave and if he does not fix that slip ASAP we will be done.
I started with Al-anon. I'm in alaon 85 days to his 95 days sober and it's only in the last week or so that everything has started to click.
I was at 3-5 meetings a week and I was going for nearly 8 weeks before I found a sponsor and started working the steps.
Getting better is scary. What if I decide to leave my A? What does that say about me? Does leaving my A make me a failure? It feels that way but in truth I see it as the opposite...
YOU do the best you can with the tools and knowledge you have. Al-anon is great it gives us more tools and knowledge.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Dear Alyce, this is indeed a very difficult time for you. I have been there and understand the pain and frustration that you are experiencing. Remembering that alcoholism is a disease over which I am powerless helped me in learning to take care of myself; without expectations of my hubby. I increased my meetings to twice a day, during difficult times and increased my meditations as well.
I realized that making threats, giving ultimatums and demanding my way, did not work. What did work was listening to the still small voice within and trusting HP
A new path will open out and HP will guide you. Please trust the process
thanks ladybug and el-cee for their support. yes i have done alt of research etc about leaving. i believe i am the last thing he has to lose. if apart he gets better, i will be glad for him
it is too dificult to explain the complications of my situation, it involves my pension,we own a house together i will need to find at least a part time job etc etc
i have managed at times in my life with very little. stories that could curl your hair. 1 can of tomato soup a day at one point in my life, danger,rape, hospitals, not enough to buy a pair of shoes or a coat etc etc
Remembering that we are all here because we are living with the disease of alcoholism reminds me that none of us have an easy road. We each have suffered in many ways from the pain of this disease so that it is important to share the journey by supporting each other as we slowly attempt to regain a sane life.
Posting here with an open mind is a powerful step in our recovery.
I agree hotrod, were all at different parts of the same journey and its important to treat each other with kindness and to think about how we felt along the journey. Personally, i can forget that sometimes.
