Resentments & Guilt? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Resentments & Guilt?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jozie)))))...you know as well as many of us the instruction...if you want to keep it you have to give it away. You have the stuff to create and support serenity and sobriety. I listed to your ESH and it settles my spirit. Fear cannot stand against it we've walked the same journey. I know that you know and so I listen. I don't dig in too deeply on what is bothering you because early leadership taught me that combining my ego, pride and self will can and does make the task longer and more complicated that it should and that for me to clear the problems out faster using my HP and sponsorship and the entire program is the "easier softer way".

When I accepted that using the compassion, empathy, grace and mercy of forgiveness would kill resentments very quickly even before they could develop and that when I practiced this it proved true...I just started practicing these tools whether I had cause or not. Nother words make them a part of your character on a daily basis. I don't have standing or justification for either judging others and/or myself. Since we are about progress and not perfection I need to allow myself to be fallible and not God. My sponsor taught me a mind set to be used during times of judgment...others and myself and that when I thought I had reached infallible understanding to ask myself the question, "Could I be wrong" and then turn my listening over to HP and the program.

Good to see you on line. (((((hugs))))) smile

1911A1 · Senior Member

(((Hugs)))

No matter where we meet, it's always a joy to hear from you.

Here's the Reader's Digest version of my approach to your two biggies (which I think are biggies for all of us).

If I'm experiencing resentment, I eventually wind up looking into what my expectations were that might have led to it. (One slogan that has helped me so much is, "Expectations are resentments that are waiting to happen"). I have to remember that other people can only do what they can do, not what I think they should/ought/need to do. If I modify my expectations to something more reality-based, I don't see it as "lowering" them, but more as "right-sizing."

Guilt can be tricky, as it so often is confused with shame. Guilt says, "I made a mistake," which means I did (or didn't do) something that may have hurt someone, and it's something I can fix by making an amends. Shame, on the other hand, says, "I am a mistake," and that's an indication that I need to make a deep dive into my brain and find what old "worthlessness" tape from childhood is playing. Just remember to bring a friend along, lol!

A1

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Jozie, what a treat to see you back, sharing and connecting once again. I find that Al-Anon has given me some powerful tools to deal with both resentment and guilt. First of all, and most importantly is the steps- four through nine. It is here that I root out those resentments, see my part in them, and become willing to have HP do for me. I cannot do for myself. Actually, lift the defect that is causing the problem, as well as the guilt that I carry because of it.

In the eighth and ninth step we are asked to make a list of all people we've harmed and to make amends to them. I placed myself at the top of the list because of the guilt that I imposed on myself during all the many years before Al-Anon. By learning to forgive myself for being human. I was able to also forgive others and the guilt vanished.

A 10th step every day also gives the current so I don't have any residual resentments or guilt. Please remember we always remain human and will never be perfect. So it is progress not perfection.

I'm glad that you still attending meetings and congratulations on your many years of recovery

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you All So Very Much...

You all mean so Much to me... I have been working on these two things when it comes to some Family, and the Deeper I go into it, the More I Find that Hurts... and even tho they Now "Seem" to be a Better Person and have Changed like many of Us here, I'm just affraid to let me guard down... They have left so many Scars on my Ego, My Self worth, and My Heart... So In knowing I have to Hand them over to HP, I'm just Really trying to get to a Place of Peace with it...

Thank You ((((HOTROD)))) for Breaking it down, I Need that sometimes, even after Many Years in Recovery... I Am Human and at times That Part Slips My Mind, and I Go Back on Auto Pilot ;) Which Usually sends me In a Tail Spin and Starting back at one :)

((((A1)))) It Truly has been Too Long, Thank you for Your Share.... and I Do Believe alot of the Resentments comes from False Expectations... I Use to Practice Expectations DAILY, and have Slipped off that a Bit, so Its Time to get back on Board... I Need the Boundry's in Place for Them and For Me... Thank you also for the bit on Guilt... I get Guilt and Shame mixed up sometimes, but they both hurt... Thanks for Sharing your ESH and what works for you... LOVE this place...

((((Jerry)))) I am Going to Do My best this Weekend to Restore some of my ESH, and Recovery.... I am Taking Off the Weekend and Going to Camp to spend a few nights, in hopes that being in God's World, and Not so Wrapping in the Drama of Everyday Life, that I Can Be More the Peace that I Love to Live by.... I have my Recovery books already there, My Camera charged and Ready, and Plan to Wrap Myself in God's Love for at least 48 hours without distraction... Can't Wait to tell you all what has been keeping me so Busy, its Scary, Exciting, Exausting, but Thrilling... And With HP in Hand, and Heart, I hope to Reach a Few more Bucket list Items on my Recovery Path :)

This Program is Beyond Words if I Open My Mind to the Idea that I CAN'T, He Can... I Think I'll Let him ;)

Thanks for Remembering Me .... Be Back Soon....
Love, Hugs & Prayers

Too All

Jozie...

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie, I kinda like it that you go away and come back randomly, it always makes me think of that Steely Dan song "When Jozie comes home, so good"!

Thanks so much for bringing up this topic. This is one where I don't have as much to contribute as I do to sit back and read and learn from the masters in the thread above.

Kenny

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I always remember that resentments are poison to me and well al-anon has taught me to get rid of the toxic things in my life, guilt is the same deal. I know in my heart I am doing the best I can everyday and nobody can take that from me. I will walk around with my head held high knowing life is to short to take on more toxic or negative feelings. I am digging off the layers of dysfunction and cycles of old and revealing more of the healthier me. Al-anon has been life changing for me and it has made all the difference in how I deal with every day life. The way I work through problems is to stop and think and not react and it helps leave me not feeling the guilt of old. I have stepped up my program in times of more stress and that helps too. Surrounding myself with healthier people has helped immensely too. Sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.