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Ok, so last night (after I posted about the divorce being filed) my son came to me and told me that his dad said some things last Sunday while he was spending the night. Apparently, STBXAH said that I was pawning ds off on him. Dad also kept saying, "You don't have to stay here if you don't want to, I can take you home if you want....." Etc. My heart breaks for my son. Instead of wanting to spend time with his son and being grateful for the time together, my STBXAH is making it sound like I didn't want him and like he doesn't want him.
I explained to my son that we are just following a parenting plan and that right now, he is supposed to spend 1-2 nights a week with his dad. I told him that if he ever did want to come home to me, I would be happy to pick him up. I made it clear that I was not PAWNING him off on dad.
Can I just say that I am angry, but I also know that I'm not surprised. Ds being at dad's house is a hindrance to his drinking. It cramps his style. He also thinks I'm entertaining men over here and that I'm having wild sex with them. So, I'm sure he'd want to do a drive by to see if I have any cars in my driveway that aren't mine, LOL.
Funny thing is: that night I was actually out on a date with a really nice NORMAL guy and I was home by 10:30, lol....ALONE. I may be dipping my toe into the dating arena but I'm not about to have men who are practically strangers sleeping over my home...what the heck does the X think I am, LOL?? UGH!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Wow, why do they do that? My ex husband routinely tells my daughter I don't want her with me, in fact the first time she spent Christmas with him he hassled begged and argued until I agreed to let her spend it with him and then he told her she was there because "I was busy and didn't want her with me". OMG Why?!!
She knows ts absolute nonsense and I am sure your son does too but still, GRRRRR!!!
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
First off, congratulations, I didn't get to give you congrats on the other thread. it's been a long time coming, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm very glad you were able to overcome all the obstacles and be able to put you and your son first. And you sound as full of serenity as you possibly could be in this situation.
Yes, it is a hindrance for him. I'm so sorry that anybody would ever be to a point where they don't want to see their son, and make up lame excuses for it no less. it sounds like his disease is progressing.
It sounds like you relationship with your son is doing well, since he was open enough to confide that in you. There are plenty of sons his age that won't hardly talk to their mom, they just collapse into a sulking heap. I know this, because my 14 yo son occasionally will do this, and I have to give him a talking-to about how sons are supposed to treat their moms.
All this tells me you made the right decision, and that you were able to get out while the getting was good. Good for you!
That is enormously frustrating....but sadly, not surprising from all you have shared and the history I know about from the last 3 years or so. He is on the pity pot. Throw in narcissism and now worsening active alcoholism...and there you have it.
And I'm not judging your ex...truly...My heart goes out to him as I know what it's like to be in the twisted mindset and ensnared by depression, personality disorder issues and alcoholism. Wow...so sad. I know I would have been an incapable parent during my worst points. I somehow barely held on to a job and that was about it.
I would say my heart goes out to you, but you are doing fine from all I can tell. Of course I know it's stressful and disheartening because this is still the father of your child and you'd rather he be functioning better. Nonetheless, you are strong, moving on, enjoying life....so kudos to you!
Pinkchip said it all. How sad that he's come to this point, and that he's let himself come to this point. But how wonderful that your son has a functioning, sane, responsible parent who can help him get the perspective on his dad's weirdness. It sounds to me like your A is attributing his own kind of thinking to you. "I'd rather be alone so I can drink myself into a stupor... Wish I could foist off everything that demands me to be responsible..." Sad. And he's envisioning you doing what he'd like to be doing, which is bringing home a different hot sexy person every night. Too bad the hot sexy people are not attracted to dysfunctional lushes... But I do have a bit of vindictive smugness so you should probably ignore my attitude!
LOL .. this is what I was saying to someone at work as long as my XAH could do what he want he doesn't want to take the kids after all I might get to really have a life. He can also play the victim card with the kids .. your mom won't let you come. There is a plethora of things that they use as a way to keep them from having to be responsible for their parenting part. I know when my A was active when he had the kids he was having a fit that I might be out and about. He also couldn't drink the way he wanted to drink because the kids would come directly home. I look forward to my daughter getting her license so that she can drive home as needed with her brother.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks everyone, especially Pinkchip. I appreciate it. When I asked my son if he was surprised by what dad said he said, "No, I expect it."
Oh and as a funny aside: I am going hiking with a male friend today. Just friends....neither one of us are ready to date and we've actually become really close without dating. So, I told my son that a man is coming over in the AM to hike with me since we can just walk to the mountain trail from our house and my son says, "Is he good looking?" Then I told him we're just friends and the reasons why neither of us are ready to date and my son then says, "Well, in 6 months mom, you never know..eh?"
So, I think I can safely say that if I were to start dating, my 16 year old wouldn't be against it, LOL!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
