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It's been a while since I've posted, although I have been here reading and learning along with all of you. I am having a tough time with something and am going to get it off my chest. I will do my best to make a long story shorter. A couple of years ago, in a last ditch effort to try and fix, save, help my then AH, I called a friend of his who was getting sober in the program,. My H wasn't ready then and my friendship with the sober guy continued. All the while sober guy has had a gf, and of course I would hear about the ways the relationship wasn't working. Nothing (much) ever happened between the two of us; we have met over the years at meetings and for a meal or coffee, and little physical contact. All the while we have been in communication.
Right around the Christmas holidays he let me know he would be here in my town and could we meet. He told me he knew it was awful but sometimes he fought he should just go ahead and marry the gf. A very strange way to talk about it. I told him of course this is his life and decision but I would hope he could really be honest with himself--and her--about something so monumental! Since then he has admitted that it's terrible, he knows, but the practicality (she helps w rent) and idea that she is so great w his sons is part of reason relationship has gone on.
Well--cut to yesterday when I get a text telling me he proposed to her. I have to say my heart has been heavy as a stone since. He then called and reminded me of all the reasons why he and I could never really get together, and that honestly if it were up to him he wouldn't do anything (like get married!). I was stunned--and said, 'not up to you?' whose life are you living?! I guess I needed to see that even a recovering A (2 yrs) will have the A--behaviors? irrationality? Forgive me for not knowing what to say. I'm a little out of sorts. He said things are good right now and he is approaching this (upcoming marriage) as he is living in sobriety..one day at a time.
I know we don't give advice but I will take hugs..and especially any words our double winners have to offer.
There was a time not so long ago that marriage was a business deal. It was not about love. IT was two people who could and can make a life together with companionship. Love came later if it came at all and tolerance and companionship were more about what life was. It sounds to me like he's there.
I sense that your expectations are what are leaving you disappointed. I hope you can find peace.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Thank you ladybug. It does seem that he's in the frame of mind that you described. I think you are right that there was some expectation on my part. I was surprised that he would make that commitment and talk so nonchalantly about it also
I want to believe as you work your program that you could find someone without the isms, healthier and you deserve that, you may see this as a gift in time. Sending you love, support and hugs on your journey! (((((yanksfan51)))))
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 7th of April 2015 07:15:56 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thats a hard one. I know you dont want to hear it but you may have had a lucky escape. His thinking is still distorted, a loveless marriage of convenience i would tgink will lead him towards the drink, either that or he is telling lies, either way, having lived that kind of relationship before i know for certain that he would not be sane enough for me. I am working on not ever being attracted to a person who is complicated like this. Maybe your higher power is telling you to look in.
Yanks, it's not necessarily alcoholic behavior just because it doesn't seem logical and it's not what you wanted. Probably, I would call it "2 year sober decision making" which is slightly more evolved. Active alcoholic thinking would be to totally cheat on the girlfriend with you and marry her or to run off with you and leave her with his kids.
There could be a myriad of reasons for why he acts this way. As you know, alcoholics come with a lot of baggage that isn't always so easily apparent. Similar to an alanoner who has been neglecting their own self-care, an A, or newly recovering A doesn't really know themselves and doesn't have really firm identity. The ways that a newly recovering person acts is all basically trial and error. But at least sober and with a program, we learn from our behaviors a lot better. Another quality that alcoholics sometimes have is being a character chameleon - this is basically becoming (at least on the surface) whoever the other person wants them to be because they have poor identity and it's something we learned when we started drinking to become well liked and "the life of the party" who everyone likes. So when a person doesn't really know themselves and they have shoddy boundaries, there you have it. I guess it's just more layers of dysfunction underlying alcoholism. In this case, codependency that is going to take years more work and rigorous honesty to change.
Also, this guy may think that he's showing improved behavior because he's making the "wise and practical" choice and he's thinking of what the girlfriend wants and his kids' needs. It requires a deeper level of reasoning and foresight to see how you owe it to the woman and your kids to have your whole heart in the marriage.
Probably, this guy would have made much more progress in the relationship/self-identity area if he'd been single and figuring out what he likes and wants in relationships through casual dating this whole 2 years. Instead, he has a less firm self-identity and more codependency than he would otherwise have.
Hugs Mary.
This immediately reminded me of my ex husband.When he told me he was remarrying, he said "she's not that attractive but she doesn't drink or smoke and she's very responsible so I think she'll be a good wife and mother".
All I could think was wow, I'm so glad we didn't stay married. Unfortunately it seems some people really do just marry for what the think they can get from it. 10 years on he acts like a big man child and I see his young wife driving herself insane with frustration as she is now stuck in the role of being his "mummy". I quite like her and feel sad knowing what he said about her when they were engaged.
I know you are feeling horrible but I think he gave you a very valuable piece of information about himself, like el-cee said, maybe it was a lucky escape.
(((Mary)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you for the responses. Just what I needed this morning. Pinkchip--I so appreciate your thoughts on this as well. It seems I have been given another situation to understand logically (this is a strange way to enter into marriage) while at the same time dealing with my emotional entanglements. 'Slightly more evolved'--that is a great way to put it and for me to think about it.
I am very new to the dating scene as in I haven't gone out on one with someone new in 17 years I think it's been. Something I am keenly aware of is my propensity to get someone being nice and someone who is interested confused. After being in such a bad dysfunctional relationship sometimes it's hard. My therapist from years ago said to me, S I am concerned that someone is going to be just a little nice to you and you will excuse all of the other signs because he will only have to be a little nice. You deserve someone who wants to work at a relationship. Just from what you describe about this guy .. he's not about the work .. he's about convenience and what someone else can do for him. I don't know that .. I speculate .. however it sure does sound that way from what you have shared.
It really does sound like you dodged a bullet and that this is something that was not meant to be and that's ok. I'm still not attracting the kind of guy I deserve .. I'm dealing with way to young or married .. lol .. I'm good where I'm at.
My experience with my X was he had to have someone in the wings before he could let go of the kids and I.
You sure deserve someone who isn't doing the hand off from one thing to another .. you deserve someone who cleans up their mess and has taken time to figure out what they want .. you deserve to have someone who is rigorously honest with themselves and you. You also deserve someone who is healthy emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Where there are no guessing games as to what is or is not going on.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
thank you, your response helped remind me that I am worthy of much more. I have been going around in the two years saying how fine I am with being alone and in the meantime I have been accepting unacceptable behavior... In myself and others. My sponsor suggested a step 4 on why I have beem returnig to this again so I am working on that.
"You never know when someone does you a favor" .... A wise person once told me I think you deserve more than someone who is playing games with people's minds and hearts
I think you deserve more than someone who is playing games with people's minds and hearts