ACOA and alcoholic- what to do? - Al-Anon Family Group

gabigail · Senior Member

ACOA and alcoholic- what to do?

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I have all those labels too, acoa, codependency, etc. I can get a bit lost in all the labels. What i do know for sure and makes it clearer for me is that my life has been effected, shaped, damaged by alcoholism so i have symptoms that i am recovering from. I attend alanon meetings and i work the 12 step program of alanon, my syptoms are no longer controlling my life and i am much healthier with healthy expectations and boundaries but i had to do the work. Alanon meetings are in most communities. If you got to alanon.org you will get the info you need.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep working on yourself, your own identity, hobbies, activities, and spirituality. Your wife is not your whole life and what she says does not have to have the power to humiliate you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Gabi and welcome to the board...this is first stop for you...read as much of the posts and prior post that you can to see that you are not alone. This is face to face though not as convenient however it works for many of us...we are family. Breaking away for the alcoholic/acoa or "other" is important otherwise the disease "owned" me. It tool time to do that and learn how to do it better which went very well for me. We are about progressively getting better never perfect so this is a daily program or re-programming. Al-Anon literature is very very helpful and you can get the list of it at afg.wso. Some are daily readers...ODAAT, Courage to Change, Hope for today while others are inspirational and instruction. How Al-Anon Works is our "big book". Keep coming back daily. ((((hugs)))) smile

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Gabigail!

I could have written a similar post two months ago. I found myself isolated and alone, with no friends of my own (because I do not like my wife's "friends" and I allowed my friendships to fall apart while clinging so fiercely to my marriage). And frequently embarrassed by things my wife finds ok to share with her friends and family (including her mother and aunts) while I am sitting in the room with everyone.

I found this community and started going to local meetings, and I cannot tell you what a major and positive difference this has made for me. I try to stop by every day to read and/or respond. It gives me time to sit and think about what is going on. And, for me, re-reading what I wrote helps me to really think about it and process it.

I hope that you come back and find the supportive, caring community here that I just recently discovered.
(((Hugs)))

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Face to face alanon meetings break the isolation
The disease causes. You will hear stories much like
Yours. You will learn useful tools like loving detachment
And healthy boundaries. You can just sit and listen,
learn and absorb the wisdom.

The human element Is essential for any real change
within us. It makes Us accountable to ourselves for
Our Growth. You can find sponsors there and work the
Steps when you are ready to do so. Get real life hugs
And support from fellow members.

You can not change the addict only yourself. I Am an
Adult child but i go to alanon for both of those problems
My ah is dry but he is still an addict in thought and
Behaviors.

We can only help and save ourselves and let the chips
Fall where they must. Alanon teaches us self love, self care
And self acceptance with the help of our higher power.
Alanon is a me program. Its about our recovery from
The effects of the disease. We get as sick as they are
But in a different way.

gabigail · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. It has been really hard. I have been trying to do stuff for myself. right now I'm going back to school so that I can eventually do a career I know I will love. That has been a challenge in itself. When I have to work on a paper, it's either guilt that I'm working so much or I have to deal with her because of a miriad of reasons, etc. It's challenging. Not to mention that my house is a wreck (I'm a bit of a neat freak, and it's making me anxious). Times like these, I just study at the library. I guess this weekend, I was sick and tired of the same stuff, and we fought, and I was in the wrong and told I needed to apologize, etc. I'm tired of the constant drama. I have been on and off on detaching, but it is very difficult sometimes. What I found to be troubling is that I have been worried about her drinking, affecting her health. What is really weird, though, is that I feel like I'm suffering from the physical symptoms: I've been having issues physically that have affected my hormones and I'm getting tested for fatty liver....which is weird, because I try to be very healthy, and had a lapse of eating not so well...but I'm a vegetarian and I generally eat well. Does anyone else have this problem? It's a bit scary.
Thanks again. I am going to try to find a f2f group. But I will be on here until that happens.

Gabigail

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((gavi))))) in support smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to your post and wanted to suggest the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me immensely! I'm glad you are here! Sending you love and support on your al-anon journey!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi gabigail
I definitely have physical symptoms but going through the method of step work I did took a lot of it away. In the step work I did I found a loving Higher Power and freedom from fear and doubt. I say what I mean and don't take it back or diminish it again (most of the time). When I abandon myself by saying the truth then letting someone push me back down, it burns.

Then again, fighting people with my ego doesn't work either. The more we fight the worst matters get. If I didn't fight in the first place I wouldn't have to keep doing it.

So yes detachment at whatever level I feel is best, works. But that takes a real strong recovery program - there are things I need to do to help me detach, I need support and my own step work so I can see if I have a part sometimes in things (we are not "bad"; it's not about that). I have to make my recovery first in my life way before anything else, or the other stuff doesn't work. It's really important and is a lifetime process.

Most important thing is I work through my own entire lifetime of problems, not someone else's. It was in that work I found God who is my solution.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.