The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting on anything like this so sorry if I ramble a little bit. I've been with my husband almost 9 years, 3 married. He has always seemed to have a little problem with alcohol. Drinking too much too quickly, especially on an empty stomach. When he drinks like this he will get very mean with me, and only me. He will curse me, call me names, embarrass me and once he tried to push me down the stairs. I've recorded him when he is drunk to show him what he's like. After these episodes he will apologize and say he won't do it again. His most recent episode was at thanksgiving. After that I told him he needed to go talk to someone about his drinking to excess because he doesn't know when to stop once he starts. He said he would go. In January he still hadn't made any attempt to talk to anyone and I confronted him (while sober) about it. He said he had been doing fine and didn't feel like he needed to talk to anyone. I told him I still wanted him to do it. He said okay but still never did it. He has also hidden alcohol a couple of times. He said he hid it because he didn't want to hear me complain about it. I told him that hiding alcohol is indicative of a problem. We live overseas due to his job and have been back home visiting for a month. He told me yesterday that he recognizes he's a binge drinker but he's not going to talk to anyone about it or stop drinking. He doesn't want to jeopardize his career and he thinks he can handle it on his own because he googled it and read what to do to help himself. I was shocked. This is the first time he has said he simply isn't going to reach out for help or stop drinking. He won't say he has a drinking problem, just that he's a binge drinker like there is a difference. When he isn't drinking he is an amazing husband. We will be living overseas for another year or so. His refusal is a real game changer. I don't like living so far away to begin with but I'm afraid to go back there and not know when he will have another episode. I don't have a whole lot of options there. I don't know whether I should go back and live there or stay home with my family and friends and move back with my husband once he either receives help or he is transferred closer to home so I have sanctuary and a place to go if it happens again. Would I even be justified in leaving since these really bad episodes only happen a handful of times throughout the year? He makes me feel crazy when I bring it up and says I'm just being dramatic like he doesn't have an issue, but I'm not the only one who has noticed his problem. Thanks for any advice.
Alanon face to face meetings are a good place to start. They
have them worldwide. In alanon we can not give advise only
offer esh, Experience strength and hope.
In alanon you will learn useful tools to live by. Loving detachment
And healthy boundaries and many more tools. It is a program for
Us to grow in. It is recomended not to make any changes until
You are in the program for 6-12 months unless there is abuse.
We get as sick as the alcoholic but in a different way.
In alanon you learn The art of self love, self care and self acceptance.
It is a journey Of self growth with your HP holding your hand. I could
not see The wisdom when i was in the disease but now i understand the
Wisdom.We need to get emotionally and spiritually strong Ourselves.
We can only change us not them. The addict needs To help themselves.
You can not learn his lessons only our own.
It sounds to me as if there is a voice inside you that is expressing a lot of worries and concerns. I think deep down you know this is likely to get worse, not better. It does in most cases, it sure did for me. I think the voice inside you knows that moving back to a place where you are isolated and have limited options with a man who gets mean "a handful of times a year" (to the point of pushing you down the stairs) sounds like a pretty alarming idea. Whether he is a good husband the rest of the time is irrelevant; that won't do you any good if he does push you down the stairs next time.
The thing is, what lands a lot of us in very bad situations is that we don't LISTEN to the voice inside us that is trying to raise the alarm. So many of us have been conditioned to ignore our own perceptions and valid concerns because we have developed the belief that we can't trust our own opinios, or fears. Every time he told me it "wasn't that bad" or I was "crazy or "over-reacting" I would believe him. He would always say every "incident" was my fault. Once again I didn't trust my own inner voice...so I believed him. I ignored the alarm bells and moved far away from family and friends and it was a terrible mistake. I wish, I so wish, I'd had access to al-anon before I moved away with him and subjected myself to a dangerous and isolated life for several years. I wish I had learned to listen to my inner voice and take proper care of myself and protect myself from danger by not moving away with a "sometimes abusive drunk" who was "great the rest of the time".
I think you would be more than justfied in not moving back with him although it's an odd choice of words, who do you need to justify it to? If you feel you won't be happy or safe there, you don't have to go. If it were me I think I might stay near family and friends for the year and just get some perspective on the marriage with a bit of distance. No need to end the marriage, why not just take some time for you while he tends to his career overseas for the next year? Just a thought. Whatever you decide to do, al-anon is a very, very good place to start learning to listen to your own judgement. I hope you can find some meetings and make a support network overseas if that is where you decide you want to be.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 4th of April 2015 02:57:14 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome. I think you know what is best for you. Staying where you have support sounds to me like a sensible option for you considering alcoholism is a progressive disease and so will keep getting worse am worse especially whilst he is in denial. The tricky bit is not letting your own doubts and his attempt to minimise his problem. The usual tactics, tried and tested are guilt and manipulation. keep your decision at the forefront and know its the right thing no matter what he says or doubts that creep in. In the meantime, alanon will help you.
Nobody can tell you What to do it would be nice if you had
a lot of alanon under your belt before you needed to make
some kind of decision. Mel makes a valid point stay behind for
Awhile and jump into helping you get emotionally Healthy and
strong.
On my own journey i really did not start to heal till
My dry ah moved out but i had been attending alanon
For 2+ years. I had two therapists tell me to leave him
I did not. I stayed and kept working on the marriage
To no avail. Now i am getting divorced but i am much
Stronger and healthier now to deal with the fallout than
Before.
I had that little voice talk to me too! I did not listen
to it. It Was about infidelity though also the way he started
treating me was not acceptable anymore. My gut was
Telling me to listen.
Your post reminded me of David hasselhoff and his drinking issue when his daughters recorded him. Years later I think he was on America's Got Talent and you could always tell when he had been drinking or was out of sorts. I don't think that does any good from my experience in dealing with a drinker of any kind. I can look back there would be long periods of dry. When my Xah would drink it was awful because more likely than not some kind of collateral damage would occur. It's very sad to watch it get more and more out of control. Going to a face to face meeting could at least be the beginning of helping to stop the cycle of abuse that is happening. I personally found the domestic violence shelter to be a wealth of information as well. Whatever you choose to do .. DO reach out for help you aren't alone. Hugs and welcome.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can't put into words how good all of your replies have made me feel. Thank you. Thank you all so much. I just hope I can find the strength to make the right decision.
None of this is easy when it is your spouse. My ah was
Not active so i cant help you there but his disease
Remains. They still need to get Emotionally and then
spiritually sober to really get better. AA is for them and
Alanon is for us.
With alcoholics it is a lifetime of working their program
to keep them sober In mind,body and spirit. It is incurable
disease that can Be arrested with abstinance but not cured.
Alanon helps us grow in spite of the disease. We keep
The focus on us not them. We need to be with others Like
us to break out of the isolation the disease causes. Thats
why ftf mtgs Are so important. We get to speak our truths
with others that understand when we are ready.
I just listened, learned and absorbed for two years. There
Is a lot to learn. We learn how to validate and care for
ourselves. Your higher power comes first then you and
everyone else after that. It is a program about you and
To get you emotionally and spiritually healthy and safe.
