The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, she came home, drunk, today. Of course she claims she wasn't drunk. It was the Tequila flavored dipping sauce from Zaxby's (a chicken fast food chain out here).
Still, she blew a 0.0701. Not legally drunk ,no. But with 2 DUIs (but only 1 conviction, thank you connecticut) its a bad sign when she drinks at all. She has also got a crap liver at 27 years of age from too much hard liquor.
Whatever. If you're just getting into seeking help, know that in at least my case I went from angry to accepting. And I have been telling her for months now that if she kept coming home drunk, one day I was going to leave.
Alcoholics tend to take advantage of the idea that (especially a husband like me who doesn't drink) will stay. After she came home, things just spiralled out of control and I ended up leaving tonight after some inconsequential last straw.
I may go back, I'm not sure. Probably not as there's an extended stay place here with rooms by teh week and i can squeeze one in for 2 weeks with our income. We'll be extremely broke paying that and the rent on the house wife and our FIVE children live in.
What a mess. All from alcohol.
I can't say I like this at all. I can't believe I'm sending this from a hotel room.... Finally I have done it.
Oh, wow. So sorry it has come to this, but good for you for following through and taking care of yourself. It is never an easy choice.
My wife just got her third DUI. Still working its way through the court system. I'm letting her deal with that on her own. Crap liver as well. Still hasn't stopped drinking. I wonder, if I had left a few years ago when I said I was going to, would things be different now? I think so.
I hope the peace of the hotel room is comforting to you. And, hey, at least you have internet, right?
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Woulda been nice to see if you could have also found a meeting along with a room and then we are not about perfection ...progress. Hope you got phone numbers and literature with you. ((((hugs))))
kudos to you..ive been contemplating to leave but my finacial situation and the high rates here in ca and other seemingly tangled things has kept me in this house we own
im sure you will find a share situation or something and yes,please seek out a meeting or alanon friends. you are saving yourself
Wondered how you were going. You know, I recognise alot of me in you. Intelligent, frustrated and willful. Online meetings have helped me in the past, as has reminding myself it (change) is a process. Hitting step one was the hardest, and I pushed it away, how could I, a mother of five, with my intellect, talent, future figuring, possibly be powerless over something as banal as bloody alcohol?! Alcoholism is a progressive insidious nasty thing AW, and the three c's apply here: We didn't cause it, can't control it, nor cure it. I'm sorry about the tequila sauce thing. I've heard similiar ridiculous excuses, its just mind boggling. I hope you get a good break, recharge, and hit some meetings. I know sometimes we resist needing help, its an ism for both sides : I Sponsor Myself, but you know what, its a sign of strength not weakness to reach out and open the soul/mind/heart sometimes. Keep coming back.
Expenses are really inhibiting. I barely clear 6 figures and she doesn't work. 5 kids. We live in a more inexpensive area. But even that is not enough to cover a house + apartment barely.
I've done some reading and sadly, the world today doesn't include a Christian mindset on anything anymore. I've left, yes, but I'm not DIVORCING her. THis is the 'worse' part of better or worse. ITs also the sick part of 'in sickness and health'. But I really can't stay at the house anymore. Sure she only had one drink (supposedly) yesterday and she blew 0.071 on our home Breathalyer. WTF am I doing with an at home breathalyzer at home? I never thought I'd end up like this. But that's alcohol for you. Every we site, verywhere, says "leave the alcoholic" "stop threatening" "do it". And i'm not so sure that's good advice even though I think I'm at the point where I'm finally acting on leaving.
So she didn't get trashed but her liver is such crap from about 4 years of at least 1000 ml of hard liquor a day. Here's something lots of ppl don't know about. Reverse tolerance. Its when you now get more trashed from 1 drink than people who have normal livers. Reason is their livers are in the early stages of no longer being able to function enough to clean the alcohol out of the blood. So she was decidedly combative and was not apologetic. Of course she hooked back up with her boozer friend yesterday too.
I thought I would be going back today but i'm probably going to put a deposit on a 1 br apartment and just sit and wait for her to kill herself, then collect our 5 kids and move on.
I don't like teh 'peace' of the hotel room. I miss my kids. And here in america, dads have zero right to children, even if mom is a raging alcoholic who likes to drive with kids in the car. Once she kills one of them then there will probably be some change because the incredibly stupid law enforcement and SS in the area will then figure out that she needs to give me the kids. Mark this post well -- she's that wreckless and cops and the SS are both that stupid.
This is sadly not looking like me leaving for a night but this one looks like it may be for good. She's not going to stop drinking so I have to go. I just don't know if I have the stones to stay gone.
Alcoholics reading this: Your husband (or wife) may one day REALLY LEAVE. And when they do, sometimes its not possible for them to come back.
-- Edited by AWSmith on Saturday 4th of April 2015 04:44:20 AM
-- Edited by AWSmith on Saturday 4th of April 2015 04:50:24 AM
The changes i made came with my own recovery program. Have you went to a meeting or got some literature? In my experience the physical seperation is a tiny part of the change needed. The changes i had to make were within me, only then did i understand enough to make decisions based on the truth rather than my own insecurities and fears. My family have benefited through one parent being rational and sane.
Recovery will help you have the courage to do the right thing for your children, whether that is them being removed from their mother and given toyou or into the care of someone who is capable of looking after them. Their safety is the number one priority above all else surely? Your concerns about their physical safety cant be swept under the carpet until one of them dies. Its your responsibility to ensure you do all you can to make sure your kids are safe. That might be persistent phone calls to child protection agencies. They are not all stupid. They have guidlines to follow. A drunk mother is not a mother when it comes to small children, shes another child and your kids are unsupervised, its an accident waiting to happen. I feel for you and your family, its a hard fight but the alternative doesnt bare thinking about in my mind.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 4th of April 2015 07:55:48 AM
Meetings will help you greatly. I know of two fathers who got sole custody of kids in very similar situations to yours. I would suggest that for that, a good lawyer who is experienced with alcoholic situations would be the key thing. My lawyer told me to document, document, document. In other words, write down every incident, time and what happened, etc, as it happens. I am worried about your kids being there with a mother who is drunk part or all of the time. I hope the oldest ones are old enough to help the youngest ones if their mother is passed out, etc., but that's a big burden for the oldest kids and teaches them that a drunken environment is familiar - not something you want when they're old enough to be choosing partners. But at least it keeps the youngest kids alive. However much an alcoholic loves their children and swears they would never endanger them, when the alcohol takes over, all other considerations fade away. I left my A when I saw that he was endangering our toddler (by endangering, I mean it was a miracle our toddler was not dead). Would you leave your kids with a babysitter who drank to excess? So that's the same situation. I hope you'll do everything you can to keep those precious kids safe. Do find a meeting too. Take good care of yourself.
Back home. Huge fight. Blew all of the move out money on cabs and then a plumber to fish a wedding ring out of a toilet, but turns out she was so pilled up she din't remember putting the rings else where. I found them after the plumber left. Plus, in the inetrim I"ve actually lost most of my mind and gone bat-guano crazy. Really I probably shoud check myself into a nut house. But nut houses are just ATMs these days for the SS. So that won't help.
Here's to ME getting a chance to lose my mind. 8P
God only knows how this will pan out. Moving out isn't going to be possible until next pay day.
Regarding meetings: Yes, i may go. I've been before and I hate to say this but I don't see the point. 12 steps are not really applicable to everything in life and in the case of being married to a drunk, pill popping crazy woman I doubt there's much there for me.
Plus it seems that women alcoholics are underrepresented in all literature - alanon and AA especially more so than the medical literature, but that's not saying much b/c of the gross underrepresentation of research about female drunksd
-- Edited by AWSmith on Saturday 4th of April 2015 04:36:32 PM
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 4th of April 2015 05:54:18 PM
AW remember Al anon is for you, not her. Its to help you get rid of the crazies and get back to normal and being able to make rational decisions that aren't driven by crisis but by reasoned thought. Al anon has helped me immensely dealing with my alcoholic wife, once you hear the stories you will realize there is little difference between alcoholoc women and men
AW big hugs it sounds like this has been an incredibly stressful situation for your whole family.
I'm late to the game on this however I did want to share something that I went through when I first came to Alanon .. first off my therapist suggested it. Boy did she piss me off .. LOL I had tried (showed up to a meeting 2x) over a 16 year period. Wasn't for me didn't apply to me .. LOL. So just to prove to her how much Alanon wasn't for me I showed up to a meeting and bawled my eyes out. Yup .. she was right (that made me madder!) and this last time around I was forced to open my eyes and just go with the program or I was going to die in anger. I wasn't the one with the problem my XAH .. HE was the problem, I was the person he was doing wrong against! My life was unmanageable and I was powerless against alcoholism .. nothing I could say to my XAH was going to "make him see the light". I am not in control of him. I am in control of how I choose to react to situations. Why did I have to attend meetings because of HIS drinking? I lacked life skills. I couldn't interact with others in a healthy way. I did not interact with my XAH in a healthy way, still working on that one after so many years of saying NO and not following through. I wear a HUGE SIGN that states NO and he's had some healthy size consequences regarding it.
If you are in a small town (I don't know how the bigger ones are outside of the meetings I attended in CA), here .. holy cow .. you are right men in Alanon and women in AA are horribly under represented. It's a shame too. I watch RA friends struggle to find sponsors and sponsors who are overloaded because of the fact there are not enough women in the program. That is not an excuse not to show up for you to Alanon if you so choose to do so. AA, .. if I want to go to more meetings to supplement my Alanon program and I DO recommend strongly listening to podcasts for both Alanon and AA speakers. There are MANY MANY books written by women who are in recovery in AA Toby Rice Drews is one of them .. I believe she recently lost a child. I say recently it's been in the past 3 years? She has some powerful books out there I would recommend. The books I have are Alanon related, they do describe alcoholism and the workings of an alcoholic mind. Under the Influence is written by a man however applies to ALL addicts and how the brain works. I get wanting to know why someone does what they do and why they won't stop .. it's just like the Big Book in AA states it's a compulsion, brain damage and to much of anything causes brain damage. It's not about right or wrong, it is worse because it's so powerful, cunning and baffling. There is no guarantee once someone stops it will not start again .. it's always there, sometimes it just manifests differently until that person gets truly emotionally sober.
As far as your statement that 12 steps don't apply to everyday living? So sorry .. gotta disagree .. they are applicable every day and just from the story you shared I would say that your life is unmanageable and there is a whole lot of pain happening in your family, which is basically step 1. The other fact I discovered was even if my XAH got sober which he did not while we were together, it didn't eliminate the chaos that alcoholism had created in my life. I have 2 kids who know the devastation of what growing up in an alcoholic home means. When I realized that my kids were more afraid of me than my XAH I said ohhh boy I have a problem and I have to get this fixed. After all Dad drinks what's wrong with mom? I was seething in anger during that time and I had no idea that the kids were walking more around egg shells with me. It was awful.
Truthfully, things got better for me when I used my ears as handles and used them to pull my head out of my butt so I could then use them for what they were meant to be used for which was being teachable to others who have gone before me who are still far smarter than I claim to be. It has to begin with me and I have to be willing to be open minded enough. For me that didn't happen until I was in so much pain emotionally, mentally and physically for me to say I have had enough and staying or leaving the addict is a personal choice. Infidelity was the last straw for me. Which is weird when you think about everything I went through that it was the infidelity that allowed me to let go.
Hugs S :)
PS - I would love to know the difference between a woman drunkard and a man drunkard .. I guess because I know both and a drunk is a drunk, addiction holds no discrimination against race, age, gender, sexual orientation, economic situation. It is truly an equal opportunity destroyer of people.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can't say I like this at all. I can't believe I'm sending this from a hotel room.... Finally I have done it.
RE me and a menta hospital. Something has 'broken' in my 42 year old brain b/ of this. I"m facing racing heartbeats at random time, really pitiful crying and cowering, saying 'Please don't beat me up [verbally] anymore, sweetheart, my heart just can't take it. It'll kill me". And its not just that she, and all 5 kids indicated they like the house better when I'm gone. So it makes me feel like I CAUSED this problem. I am mentally very very crushed. I even hear voices sometimes telling me to off myself when she's yelling at me. If there was good mental health hospitals here and not gestapo and SS ordered 'reeducation facilities' then i'd go. But they only tread drug folks from the court ssytem. No thank you. But I suspect if i do something stupid like cut badly enough or try to hang myeself and get caught then theyĺl be all over me. NO, I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF BY THE WAY. Thinking about it is not plannig on doing it. Iḿ just really losing it in my head. i hear a voice telling me everything wrong Ive done and all of the littele thigs that the wife and kids do to inicate they hate me. Wife ha them scared to death of me. so yeá, if it werent for my nice, kush, work from home and barely clear 6 figures job I would check myself into a nut house and throw a HUGE FIT THAT i NEED TO THROW and be prevented from hulrting myself at that time. It would be phenomenal... i'm really losing my mind. I walked off barefoot in pajamas cutting on my wrists (scratches, not death cuts) hoping to get picked up by police. All of this comes after she berates me and makes thes problems my fault and does accept the bam
The only saving graces are the soul of my father-in-law (Catholics believe we can tal to them but they can talk to us except in what they can convice Christ to do) and my Matriach mother in law carries tremendous power and influence over the family. I married into this and honestly she deserves the leadership role. I would do anythng she asks. The woman is a living Saint and if she or her husband were Catholic theyd'be Saints at death. I've already had miracles from my decease father in law's prayers come to pass. Includig the good fortune of losing the credit card today.
i am not the dad I thought i was (have comissioned 2 little league soccer seasons - 320 kids total, 24 coaches to train), I go to mass weekle when she hasn't trashed the car with a DUI, read to the kids fro about 45 mins every night while cuddiling with them., love my wife deepy.
But she has a way of pointingout that the kids comement on how nice it is without Dad coming to scrw thins up.
And she asks for divorce constantly.
Back to me going crazy. i left the house to dance near the side of the highway where a car with a texter could easily have swered and ht me. I was cutting o my arms hopig to get picked up by the pigs to be given over to a mental health facility, I was babbling incoherently at times, thought I was going crazy, did'nt care about getting arresetd and losing my job for ratting in rehab. who the hell does that?/ what sane person does these things? wife had to stop me from it. i even went so far as to write a suicide note (en fraçais) so they can read it. Had to stop it mid way b/c I was still getting beated "s1ht 4ss' husband. "the kids are gonna remeber you as the parent who yelled and screamed at them all the time). 8( Just things tha cut me so deep, enen at 45 suicide is looking like a real way out o fthe mess.
Needless to say, Iḿ chicken. I might start smoking as the most chicken-poop way of it but thatś ridiculous. it would take me 4-7 years to die fro smokig again (my dr's prognosis). So thatś not it. Thereś the gun... but I couldn'tshoot myself in the head. it have to be heart or the leg to bleed out and die conscious. I want to see thelight on my way to Hell.
So ye,a ,the fact that I am now teh one in trouble b/ cof how I handled her coming home in he taxi drunk. What a wonderful world give to us by the 'higher power' GOD. Heś given me fairy tale arriage I dreamed of as a teenager. Hell, I even dreamed ofthe sex then and even that came to pass. I dreamed of a nice Cathilc girl whwo repsects our birth control rules (don want to get prego, don't have sex). and weǘe abstained happily from time to time for her body to recover. Whatever. Sheś the perfect woman for me and I swear i knew who she was hen i was 5. We met when she was 17 - yes I robbed the cradle at 31. But guess what? Her father, aside from telling me "this aint in my bible" when i left with his daughter, had me designated a Pall Bearer. and even after a fist fight with one of the OTHER pall bearers the day befoer I stlill was a pall bearer. And I was his SON-IN-LAW. The man saw taht i will take care of his daughter and died peacefully knowing that his daughter was safe with me. What a gift to give an old man, eh? he went so peacefully. He also lived a life that i try to emulate. To the point where I do things I don want to do b/c they are right. Like apogizing to my mom and aunt for cussing them out on he phone for meddling in my business. when she texted: call me or Iḿ calling the police to check up on you. She was worried. I told hecr stay the hell out of my God D---n life and let me handle this.
That cut her out of my life permanently. I had a cop kill my father (get this---whle drunk at 0.08 o the road and on duty). He was like Teri Shivo (vegetable) from my 10th birthday until my 22nd one. i was burdende with choice on medical care b/c I was next of kin and my mom had divorced him after the wreck o she could marry a rich doctor (who hated her / she was a trophy wife).
So we have a VERY health sex life that is voluntarily and PRAYERFULLY abstained from for periods of time. God bless her for that. It means the world to me to be able to abstain. (I almost became a priest ages ago and after the 'fapping'stopped for about 90 days I saw freedom from it and let that freedom drip from my toungue like wild flower honey. Oh my God, I spent 8 hours a day sat and sunday in the perpetual adoration chapel (where Catholcis go to worship the exposed bread which we believe is the real presence of Christ. So, yea, we are ridiculously compatibe married people. We read eachd others mind ot the point of where when playing chess she will yell at me because Iḿ thiking about what she should't be doing.
-- Edited by AWSmith on Sunday 5th of April 2015 04:13:53 PM
-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 5th of April 2015 04:15:34 PM
AW, if you think the hospital won't treat you, how about a priest?
If you get to an Al Anon meeting, I think you will be surprised by all the things you have in common with people there. And how much help they can give you. I urge you to try one.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Sunday 5th of April 2015 06:16:26 PM
When I first tried all anon I was in a very unhappy dark place. My partner drinking destroyed me I went from a happy person to not wanting to go on living. Thankfully I found a meeting all I got at first was a sense that people understood how crazy it was to live with this oh and they listened without judgement. I kept going and for that 90 mins never felt as alone. But slowly I got to see positive changes. I learnt about alcoholism and . How it was affecting . All of us. I learnt New ways of behaving that made my situation better. I can not put into words what . It has done for . Me and . My , kids. Who hated, me by the way too. But today we have a . Better relationship and . I am smiling a lot . More.
Hope you can try meetings for a while they really will help what you got to loose.
A W you need some help right now. You have reached your limit of endurance and you need someone to help you through this incredibly tough time. I know of which I speak. My nephew was married to a girl who became addicted to pain pills due to a medical condition. He tried everything to help her, took her all over the country to different specialists, and at the same time tried to hold down a very stressful job. We begged him to get some help. Actually we begged him to leave her as she was dragging him down, down, down into a very dark place. And still he insisted that he loved her, that he was married for life, that he would keep fighting to find a cure for her as long as she kept fighting alongside him.
Problem is that she gave up and just used more and more.
I read your words and I hear him. He came to almost despise her because nothing he did was good enough. He was very strained financially, and he was sleep deprived and losing weight rapidly. And finally he broke! He has a nervous breakdown. Don't let yourself get this far. If he had had a broken leg, we would have stepped in and insisted he go to the doctor. We should have stepped in much sooner and dragged him to a mental health clinic. With the help of his doctor and the wonderful people at the mental heath clinic he came to see that no one could carry the burden he was carrying and not break. It is a year later now and he is much better and has moved on a bit.
Has a job. She left when he broke down and that was a blessing!
You are so stressed right now, you are so tired, your brain does not shut off anymore! You are not thinking rationally. It's time you got help for you and yes, if you are really honest with your doctor, I think you will find there is help out there.
we can't force you to go to meetings. We can suggest it.
We can give your our ESH and here's mine (all I can do is tell my story and hope that it resonates somewhere with you)
I'm early in Al-anon so I don't always get it right but we say PROGRESS NOT Perfection and baby I'm making progress by leaps and bounds. My sponsor said to me just last week I SEE such CHANGES in you from your FIRST few meetings... and she is right I have changed.
I did not start Al-anon until my husband was incarcerated and the begged me to bail him out. I agreed on the condition that he go to detox and then rehab. I am not sure I could have set this boundary if he was in our home. He agreed to go. Today he is 90 days sober but it's a hard fight for him. And my being healthy and letting him be a grown up is hard for me.
I walked into my first Al-anon meeting wanting to fix my marriage. NOT my spouse I can't fix him. NOT me... oh hell there's NOTHING wrong with me other than I make bad choices and marry an Alcoholic.... WRONG.... but I didn't want to hear that. I went. I was still reeling from having to say "my husband tried to kill me when he was blackout drunk" Yes that was my bottom line... he tried to kill me. I'm a screw up but I have things and people to live for so I don't want to die. Therefore i have to take care of myself. This meant, going to Al-anon and listening to what they say. I have no religion. 12 steps still work. I listened. And then I started reading.
The blue book 'How Al-anon works for family and friends of alcoholics" is the best place to start. The first meeting I went to GAVE me the book as a gift. I think this was the SMARTEST thing they did. I started to read.... I didn't believe it but I made a promise to myself to try to make my marriage work so I kept going.
and I listened. and I read.
I got a therapist who understands 12 steps but is working with me on ME... and then one day nearly 9 weeks in to going to meetings the light bulb came on. The kool-aid worked. NOT all kool-aid is bad.
I learned that his issues are HIS and I can find peace of mind within myself by LETTING him be an adult and make his own choices.
The first thing I learned was detaching with love. This helped me NOT carry my anger, my pain, my disappointment etc, around with me. I could say to him "I am sorry but that is not acceptable and I'm going to bed" and walk away and let it go. I could then when he and i Next interacted not be mad. this leads to him not being resentful which leads to me being NOT mad which leads to him being more inclined to make me happy" It's a vicious circle. I treat him well (FOR ME and MY peace of mind) and he reacts to that. AMAZING.
I get healthy.
I set boundaries
and he reacts to that.
AMAZING.
I stopped trying to fix him.
I stopped trying to fix the marriage. (the marriage will heal as it's supposed to once we both get healthy)
I learned to let go and let god
the slogans drove me nuts. HOW could mere words help? BUT THEY DO.
IF anyone didn't NEED AL-anon it was me.
I have a degree in psychology
my mother was a psychiatric social worker
my aunt and her son are both LCSW in private practice.
I have done therapy (individual, and family) on and off for over 40 years.
I've got this.
I understood it was not my fault.
I understood it was not his fault or his choice to be an addict. I understood he needed to be 100% sober and he was powerless over alcohol.
And yet... it still took me six weeks of 3 or 4 meetings a week or more (a different group every night) before it really started to click.
Last week I said "I need to stop putting things off until I'm done with recovery (al-anon) because I will be in recovery for the rest of my life"
it took me nearly 3 months before I could ask someone to be my sponsor... now the hard work begins. I found a sponsor that is willing to work with me hard. She's willing to work on STEP 4 for a year... ONE step A YEAR.... wow... it's hard work. but I'm worth it.
Al-anon is an awesome program that has helped me cope with
work
friends
family
AH
and even driving in traffic.
and in learning and working I share my experience and that helps me and helps others.
My sponsor has been doing Al-anon for FIFTEEN years. Last week in our first meeting as sponsor and sponsee I TAUGHT HER TWO NEW THINGS:
NOT my circus NOT my monkeys (meaning I have not control over anyone but me)
and
EAT THE FROG first (meaning do the HARDEST thing first the rest then seems easy)
so even after 15 years of meetings and working her program she's learning. At 77 she's learning... and it's so cool for me....
I'm so sorry you are hurting, I was hurting too. Al-anon after a while helps me NOT hurt.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
