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I am new to Al-Anon (I have never been to a meeting and this is my first time posting). I have 5 months sober today and am going to AA. My wife still drinks and is anti AA, although she has told me she sees how it has made positive changes in me. She asks me questions about AA and I do my best to answer them to my understanding. I don't mind her drinking but I do mind it when she drinks so much that she gets argumentative. There seems to be a certain point that she stops being a calm drunk and picks a fight with me over the stupidest things. I try to keep my serenity during these times but I don't do a good job of it. I usually wind up telling her that she is just fighting with me, or saying stupid stuff, because she is drunk. Tonight I was trying to fix a problem on her phone. I told her it might be a problem with the game she was playing and not her touch screen. She said she didn't care about playing the game, she wanted her touch screen to work when she needed it to work like a phone. I explained to her that I was having no problem with the touch screen using it as a phone, only while playing the game and that maybe her screen was dirty. She told me she used bathroom cleaner on it and I told her I had just read that the only thing you should ever use was a microfiber cloth. She got upset and said a microfiber cloth was not going to get off the kids dirty finger marks and that I was calling her stupid for using the bathroom cleaner. I told her that I was not calling her stupid, just telling her that the website I found said you should never use liquid on the screen, only a microfiber cloth. She kept going on about it not working as a phone because the touch screen was not working and I told her it was working fine for me. She finally laid the phone down and said, you can keep your damn phone, I don't want it. (We both just got cell phones a few days ago and they are our first smart phones so are still learning how to use them)(yes, we are older, in our 40's, and never had a smart phone before) Then she went on to accuse me of not trusting her because I found out that I could set up alerts from the bank to send a text if a certain amount was taken out of the account, if a check bounced, etc. I told her when I set up the alerts I thought it was a great idea to help with fraud. She doesn't believe me I guess, because tonight in her drunk state she told me she thinks it is because I don't trust her. I didn't tell her this, but if I didn't trust her, why would I have $1500 cash in my gun safe that she has access to and is fully aware that it is there? I told her last time that she got this drunk, in the heat of the moment, that she needed to quit drinking or I was walking out the door. I would be gone right now except we have two boys still of school age and I know the devastation that divorce has on kids. On the other hand, they hear us fighting when she is drunk, and they know when she is drunk, so I don't know what is worse. They know I go to my "meetings" so I don't drink anymore. Someone please give me some advice. Any advice at all.
I'm new here too and about to go to first face to face meeting tomorrow so I can't give advice but I hear your pain and frustration so I just had to say something.
Firstly, congratulations on reaching 5 months sober!
As far as the arguments go, I read somewhere that you shouldn't argue with a drunk (probably in a post on this board) so I am trying that with my Active Alcoholic Husband...otherwise we fall into heated arguments over seemingly trivial matters (very similar to your situation with the phones) and the conversation makes no sense and I get super angry and frustrated...so I try to disengage, it's not easy I know!
I don't want to comment on anyone else's family situation but of course alcoholic parents, divorce, fighting, upheaval all have an affect on kids and I can hear that you're worried about that...all I can say is good on you for at least taking the first steps to improve things for you and for them...keep going!
I'm sure others with more experience can help more but I just wanted to say hello and offer what I can. Probably more people will be online in a few more hours.
Keep coming back to this board, there are some great people here with a lot of experience to share, I'm learning a lot from reading here...Take Care.
Mike, all I can suggest for now is for you to continue working your own AA program and model sobriety and it's gifts for her. Additionally, detachment is a great tool and it means that when she is sober, you might say to her that you understand she has the choice as a grown up to drink if she wants, but you are choosing to disengage when she drinks for your own serenity. If you explain it that your behavior of detaching when she's drinking is for you and not "punishment" for her....and there is a way to state that, it could help. Even if it's a kiss on the cheek and "I love you honey but I'm going to the bedroom/basement (wherever). I want to be alone for a bit."
Basically, you have to a discussion about boundaries where you discuss what you need for your sobriety and piece of mind and what you behavior will be when she drinks...and that it's so you avoid fights and have more calmness in the home rather than because you are judging or trying to punish her.
HI and welcome. I'm pretty new too. My AH will have 90 days sober this weekend. A hard road we are all walking. Congrats on 5 months especially with an AAW.
Three things I want to share.
1. you too can and should go to Al-anon. I was in a meeting Wednesday night that had more double winners than not. They are actually my preferred speakers as they can help me see how my AH feels. There are slight differences to the meetings so when someone says "hi I'm bill and I'm an alcohol- oh wait wrong meeting" everyone can laugh.
2. I wish I had learned "you may be right let me go think about it" when my husband was drinking... it would have saved so many arguments that I was NEVER going to win because he was drunk. "YOu did that wrong." "You don't love me" "YOU broke my phone" "you may be right AH, Let me think about it and get back to you" and then if possible I could walk away. Sadly I didn't learn this until after he got sober but I use it now and it's a god send... He HEARS that he is RIGHT (they conveniently don't hear "may") and that I will consider it. That's usually all he needs to hear. then when his anger is diffused or dissipated I can more calmly talk to him or show him why he is wrong.
3. I left my first husband when my kids were three and 5. (they are 30 and 28 now) I asked them once when they were older if this was hard on them and they said to me "no mom it's better now than when you and daddy were always fighting" A divorced home with one healthy parent is not a broken home.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Congrats on your sobriety! I call alcoholism the disease of confusion for the loved ones. More times than I care to admit, I've been drawn into an argument similar to what you've described. There's no way to win, and it always ends with me being absolutely bewildered as to what just happened. I wonder how did it start, how did I get drawn in, and why did I keep going with it when it was clearly going nowhere. I started al anon 4 months ago. I got a sponsor and am working the steps. I go to 3 FTf meetings a week. In this time, I've learned how to avoid a lot of the confusion-- I'd say it's down by about 75percent. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making progress. Hugs to you-- I know it isn't easy.
Congrats on your sobriety. Welcome to Alanon, as well as all the other newcomers. I am very new to Alanon myself, still under a year.
Yes, detachment is a tough one to navigate with qualifiers. I still struggle with that myself, as I don't want to think I'm not permitted to voice my opinion just to keep the peace (I don't get the impression that suppression is what Alanon means by detaching from the alcoholics in my life). I'm still learning how to apply the steps and slogans in real time, and when I do it is helpful.
Aloha Mike and welcome to the board. Glad you have you participate and bring what you are learning about alcoholism. I am also a double doing it the other way around after 9 years not drinking in Al-Anon. What Has helped me progress in recovery has been he ability to stay teachable and to listen and learn from the old timers. At the close of our Al-Anon meeting we say, "If you keep and open mind you will find help" which after I got tired of fighting with and loosing to the disease I surrendered to the old timers and sponsorship. I had to admit I didn't know crap and if I kept behaving like I knew it all then the fatal nature of alcoholism might claim another brain dead spouse.
You're doing the very right thing...reaching out to others who have come before you before dealing with the alcoholic and the disease. Getting away from the disease to meetings and the alcoholic/addict I was married to an a sponsor was huge recovery for me. I knew absolutely nothing about alcoholism and addiction even though I later found out I was born and raise in it.
Without awareness and experience very very few people can deal with the active disease...even professions (experience). Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and none of us are born knowing how to deal with that. It is also a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence.
I learned some early rules from within the program which were "don't"...don't discuss, with it, argue with it, plan with it, judge or blame it try to be smarter than it or teach the alcoholic while they are under the influence. This is what the elders taught me and when I was able to follow thru and take the greatest amount of my focus off of the alcoholic/addict wife I started to feel the grips of the disease getting looser on me and I stopped holding her hostage 24/7.
This is major life threatening disease on everyone (all) who are toughed by it...user and not, child or adult etc. Empathy is required and compassion very often practiced.
Continue to do what you are doing now by getting arm in arm and shoulder to shoulder with the elders. Keep your mind wide open. Practice what the winners are doing, listen...learn...practice, practice, practice and the best one of all?....keep coming back. In support (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your support and advice. I had a nice talk with my wife this evening and even though she was drinking, I found out a lot. I have gone in circles before with doing good things, then doing bad things. I explained to her that I am not going to continue the circle, and that I will continue along my right path and will use AA to do it. She does not trust that I will not fall back to my old abusive ways, but I can understand that. I am going to keep going to AA and my therapy (my therapist helps me with my issues and that goes along with the AA thing of being a better person). I am going to prove to her that I am NOT going back to the old me. I told her it may take years but someday she will see that I am NOT going back to that part of the circle.
My therapist told me not to argue with her with her when she had been drinking also. She suggested I take a walk but due to health issues, that is not always possible for me. So she suggested I go for a drive and I thought that was a good idea. I even tried it a few weeks ago and while headed to my truck I got accused of going off to see my girlfriend. At that point I told her, I can't win. I want to leave so we don't fight and you make up a reason (my imaginary girlfriend) to keep me at the house to fight. She finally said she was just going to go to the bedroom and leave me alone and to stay out of that room. Some days it seems I can't win...
