Great post el-cee, and sooooo true, thanks for the reminder. linsc

 

 

Skorpi you're wide awake and ready to go on with your life as you understand you must live it.  Your words and how you say them are familiar to me...thanks for the repeat.  ((((hugs))))

I had forgotten how damaging enabling was for me and my family and it can be a life or death situation. I cried and cried at that story written by the mother. Its a difficult road we walk. Skorpi, your awareness is there and thats half the battle, after learning what the right thing is, its practice, practice until it becomes engrained and part of our behaviour. The results come quick in my experience.x

If you feel that threatened, call the police.

Ive been where you are lenora and felt like that too. The answer is ot go away or commit suicide. If you want change, do what i did and go to meetings, your own life depends on them, get the alanon books, not random self help books, the real thing, learn it like its the mkst important thing ever. You have chlices, always.

The disease or sickness within us means we become obsessed with the a, in a similar way that they are compelled to drink. I broke my obsession by attending regular meetings, working the program. I began to free myslef and i realised how much of my life was taken up by the a, i had neglected every other part of my life, including my children and my own health and wellbeing. I was insane. Now, hes back where he should be, a grown man living with his own consequences, making his own decisions, just as it should be. I have room for myslef and my children now.

4my boys it takes awhile be gentle with yourself,
Keep working your program. Keep the focus on you
And your children.

Which Al-Anon publication is that story printed in?  I need to read that as well.  Enabling still, even though I have tried to detach.  It's hard.  Thanks for the post!

Gabigail

4MyBoys, I think we all do things when the time is right, when we are ready.

My first steps were to focus on myself and my program, and to let my wife take care of herself. That was a rocky start for us both, but six weeks later, she is getting the hang of taking care of herself without whining and complaining constantly. When I started using the Alanon tools, I didn't use them very well. I definitely didn't use them without anger and resentment. I found I needed to be upset in order to make the first move toward my own well.being. I still don't have everything right all the time, but I think that practicing using the tools Alanon gives me is the best thing to do. And, by thinking of it as "practicing" I release myself from my unrealistic expectations of perfection.

I think, for me, conversations in a relationship are ongoing. It isn't as if I have to say everything at once. I don't miss my chance of saying what I need to say by not saying it all at once. I am learning that it is ok for me to say something important, and leave the conversation. It is ok to then refer back to it when the time is right, or the conversation goes in that direction. I know it is harder when you have kids around. You have to be careful about what you say and when you say it.

I think that it is important that we are all gentle and patient with ourselves, especially when we have a big conversation that we need to have, and aren't sure about being ready to have it. My decision about staying or going isn't one I need to make right now, and it isn't one that cannot be impacted by my wife and choices she makes in her own recovery (should she decide to work on recovery). And, I am becoming more and more comfortable saying that I am not happy, and I am not going to keep on living this way, and that I want and need something else, without feeling the pressure to make an immediate change.

For me, right now, I am working on myself and my needs, I am going to Alanon and working my program. I am starting therapy to support that work. And somewhere along the line, I am sure that I will get to the point of either being ready to move ahead with a divorce, or ready to acknowledge the work my wife does in her program and her therapy, and willing to go to couples therapy with her. Right now, I am not ready for either one, and I am not pushing myself. I am also not afraid to say things that need to be said, and I am getting better at saying them without being angry or upset. It helps me to think of my wife as 2 different people, my wife and the addict. I don't have to get angry at my wife when I am angry at the addict, and there is no reason to get hurt by the addict, either, because the addict isn't doing anything except what addicts do.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope somewhere in my ramblings, you find an answer. Hugs!

You all seem to be on the right track. I can imagine how difficult it must be for all of you. It is so hard to not be an enabler and I often feel that I wish he wasn't my son so I could walk away. The stress def affects your physical and mental health. I am now trying to brave up enough to leave my home. (Agoraphobic) and find some al-anon meetings in my area to attend. I did call a hot line and talk to them, I guess that is a start. I am so proud of all of you, you are all so brave. I hope I can one day fit into that category. Thank you for all your advice and help. May God bless us all and keep us strong.