The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AD has had a problem for a couple of years, but managed to live her life, school, work etc. most recently she started dating a guy with a record for drugs who was on probation. She ended up staying there many nights and then I found out from her friends, there were domestic assault issues with his past as well as with her. Panic set in and I tried desperately to keep her home. she wanted no part of this, got mean and nasty and said she didnt' want to be here. last weekend he was thrown in jail for breaking probation. She wanted to stay in his apt and help get him a lawyer etc etc. She called my in the evening distraught that she had just seen him in jail. I could tell she was drinking and not sure what else.. talked to her for an hour and she had said she pulled off the highway and could not make it all the way home as she was distraught. Told her I thought she was drinking and she said no just distraught and tired. Conversation ended with her passing out. I had no idea exactly where she was so my H and I drove there at Midnight to find her passed out on the side street in her truck. I went to wake her up she told us to go home etc etc.. I told her I wanted her in the apt before I left to know she was safe... long story short she punched me, then my husband swore at her to leave me alone, she ran in the apt and called the cops and tried to get me arrested for Domestic Assault. Lied to them saying I kicked her and hit her. Cops asked for our stories and obviously they were the same, so due to her condition and the fact that she hit me, she was arrested and spent the night in jail. I have not talked to her since as I am the "victim". She sent my husband a nasty text. She has been living at her boyfriends and has life just like she wanted, free to do whatever she wants. We can not believe that this is our beautiful intelligent daughter. Lying to get us in trouble and believing that we are at fault here? Things like this have happened on other drunken occasions but nothing involving the police and Jail. I am so scared. when does this end? Is this typical behavior to try and get your parents who you have always had a good relationship with in trouble. We are distraught. Has anyone else experienced this kind of behavior?
What a difficult situation to be in. I am sorry. I know there are folks on the boards who have similar experiences.
My wife is the alcoholic in my life. One thing I have learned by attending face-to-face meetings is that, even if someone isn't experiencing or hasn't experienced the same thing I am facing, we all have experience dealing with the effects of alcohol.
One thing I learned (and am still learning) is that alcoholic behavior is not logical. It is not rational. I started to see my wife's behavior as belonging to two different people. One, my wife, the person I love and married, the person who shares common goals and values, the person who wants to build a future with me, and the second is the addict. The addict's behavior is ruled by the addiction, and (for me) there is no point in speaking with the addict. She cannot hear me, because the addiction is much louder than I could ever be. For me, I decided that I need to focus on my life and go about my business. I need to let her go about hers. When she is ready to walk with me on this crazy path called life, I am here. But, I am not going to fall into the brambles anymore because the addict thinks that is a good path to try.
I don't know if that was at all helpful, but what I am trying to express is that you are not alone, and I hope that you find the same peace that my Alanon program has brought to me.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
That was very helpful. Thank you. I guess it makes it a little easier to deal with if I separate out the two behaviors. I guess too that being her mother I just want to "fix" her and make her act like we raised her to be and as time goes by I am seeing that I can't.
That sounds like great work in step 1 - We admit that we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable.
Step one has taken me years. Years and years of trying to "fix" things, and make things as easy as possible, so it was easier for my wife to do the right, responsible thing. It wasn't until she wrecked her car and ended up in the hospital that I was ready to admit that I am powerless over her addiction. There is nothing I can do that can possibly counter-act the force of that addiction. Even if I had known that she had been drinking all day, I couldn't have physically gotten to her to stop her from driving, and I didn't (and don't) have a way to make sure she didn't (doesn't) pick up the bottle again.
The only change I can make is a change in myself, and a change in how I deal with her addiction. By changing what I can control - me - I am changing the situation. At least, I am changing the situation for myself. What she does will have to be different, because I am not enabling her. Will she commit to a program and decide to change herself? Maybe. Maybe not. But the thing I can be sure of is that if I don't change, nothing is going to change.
I hope you keep coming back. And, I hope that you find a supportive face-to-face group, too. I found a great group that meets during my lunch hour, so I cannot be sidetracked from attending. For me, I found that a balance of face-to-face meetings and this message board gives me the strength I need to make the changes to my life that I need to make.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I appreciate you sharing your struggles. I know that my biggest problem is the feeling that I need to control. Control to make her act as she should, control to keep her life on track, control for appearance sake, etc etc. I guess the fact that I have kept this all to ourselves except for one family member is also a struggle. I do it for my daughter and for us. I don't feel it is my place to air her laundry, but on the other hand I know she is doing it herself and her friends are full aware of what is going on. It is just so frustrating because I have had no contact with her since the last encounter and I am sure she expects us to come crawling back and admitting we were wrong and she will be very angry that she was put in jail and has an arrest on her record and some how she will make it our fault. I find this so frustrating and it makes me waiver. One minute I want to do and say anything to get her to reach out and other times I don't want to hear from her until she apologizes.
I have an AD, now 34, and as I read your post I went back to how she was at 22. She got thrills out of exactly that type of behavior and was doubly excited when we picked up the rope. Now, 12 years later, here I am. I kept picking up the rope, kept responding, kept worrying because she was my daughter, kept at it kept at it kept at it and I ended up a mess. I needed to take care of myself, find out what I wanted out of life, realize I had to turn it all over to someone who knew more than I , my HP. When I get off track and think I know more than my HP, I know it. That does not necessarily mean I stop doing what I am doing (i.e., call her) but I become aware of my error more quickly and ask for help. Keep coming back. It works.
It is difficult not to enable. Sometimes keeping a roof over an unemployed alcoholic is also enabling. These are her choices. She is 22. She has found a boyfriend where they enable each other. Let her learn some hard life lessons and she may come back to a more sensible lifestyle when consequences catxh up with her. You did raise her different, so you can have faith that when she wants to make some changes for the better, she will have a much easier time of it. And no, this is not unusual behavior for a young woman in a codependent drama filled relationship that is also abusing substances. She needs to cook upthe drama with you guys and demonize you so that this relationship and her choices seem ok. If you swoop in, it may get worse.
Webd are you attending any face to face Alanon meetings
They will help you by breaking the isolation caused by the disease.
You will learn useful tools to help you such as loving detachment
And healthy boundaries. There is so much knowledge and support
to be learned From others that have walked your path.
Alanon is about you taking caring of yourself in spite of the disease.
We get as sick as they are in a different way. You learn healthy
Ways to live.
We can not believe that this is our beautiful intelligent daughter. Lying to get us in trouble and believing that we are at fault here?
alcoholism is a Thinking disease .. not just a drinking disease .. it is also a disease of lies .. when in many times we end up in denial which stands for Don't Even No I Am Lying .. we believe what the alcoholic (addict) tells us .. our thinking becomes distorted and we end up in a feeling fest .. lose the clarity .. best way to help the alcoholic is by growing understanding in the steps and the love of the fellowship .. we can't help someone we can't understand ..
I like the suggestion to attend meetings and the follow up there that even if our situations differ we have all experienced living with alcoholism (confusion fear pain obsession powerlessness worry doubt and more) hope you make a decision to try some .. recommended 6 .. listening ok too .. though i think once you walk through the doors it may surprise you to hear where you belong .. .. prayers for you both .. know it isn't easy ..
when i say alcohol .. alcohol is also a metaphor .. step 1 .. we admitted we were powerless over alcohol (people places situations drugs others confusion and ours)
Thank you all so much for your posts. I did end up attending a face to face today and found it helpful to listen to everyone speak. I had gone a couple of times before and have attended some of the phone ins. I have always been a very private person and find it hard to discuss this with anyone. I find this site comforting for that reason.
I have a friend with a wife who did same kind of thing to him - sat out in the truck at their apartment complex, too drunk to walk in. He went out to check on her, helped her get in, she started a fight with him and called the police and lied to them about bruises that were already there being caused by my friend.
Lying is a pattern for all kinds of reasons. Shame, justification, fear of being wrong, etc. She's a grown up, so she gets to make up her mind about now she lives. Once it is bad enough, and she realizes that her situations are actually her choices rather than other peoples' circumstances she may come home. In the meantime, be easy on yourself, you know you did a good job with her while you were in charge.
Webd good job going to the ftf mtg they do help
Even just to listen. I did not speak for two years.
Just sat and listened, learned and absorbed the
Wisdom and cried a lot. My ah is dry but I have
Plenty of Problems with him.
You really do learn new skills and tools. Just being
With people that understand your pain and hurt.
And also Breaking the isolation the disease causes.
There are three daily readers to buy they cost
12-14 dollars each. They help you understand
The alanon ideas and principles.
It doesn't make sense because it is drunk behaviour not sober behaviour
It won't be rational and she will change like the weather if she is drinking , one minute making perfect sense and being rational , the next totally the opposite
Don't expect her or her behaviour to be rational if she is drinking
It is hard to ignore it but I would say ignore it , for your sake , you need to detach from HER alcoholism so that her illness does not make you ill
Yes deal with the feelings ie anger , disappointment , concern but then do not let her drag you down into her world
It is not a world you want to be part of and it is not even a world she wants to be part of but probably feels helpless right now if she has an addiction to drink
If she has a drinking problem she needs to get help before it turns into full blown addiction
It is not something which simply goes away , it often gets worse before it gets better sad to say but do not go down with her
That does not help ANYONE so try not to rescue her because it does not help it hinders
It is tough and hard , my family members ring me upset and worried about my alcoholic DD but I advise them to keep themselves well and not to be drawn into the mire or fog , they want to help her , but they have to protect themself from stress too which may seem like they are rejecting or abandoning her but their wellbeing is important too and so is yours
My DD too also drives when drunk , she is putting the public in danger so if I am aware of it at the time I will report her as I do not want to sit on that information while some poor innocent gets run over! Part of me is waiting for a call from the hospital one day to say she has been in an accident and if so I will NOT be going to the hospital sounds harsh but I don't approve of her putting herself and the public at risk
Maybe next time if there is one ring the police to go find her , then she has to face up to her actions without you being injured , you would probably get verbal abuse for reporting her which is best to ignore but at least not physical abuse which you do NOT deserve
You have to protect your peace of mind and make YOUR wellbeing your priority!!
I rescued and tried to fix my AD for my years until I got serious about my own recovery. I went through hell and back dealing with her and my AS until my Higher Power (God) for me, led me to Al-Anon, I"m grateful, I found peace and serenity. I still have some bad moments, but most of the time I'm at peace. Keep going to f/f meeting and get involved with your own recovery, you will learn that "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it" I said a prayer for you and your daughter!
