I need help please - Al-Anon Family Group

Lenora · Member

I need help please

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of yourself first. Your son is grown and can only be helped when is receptive to it. When we try and help alcoholics who aren't really in recovery, they turn our help into enabling 99 percent of the time. You can't "help" an active alcoholic. They have to first help themselves to recovery and it takes a lot of work.

The best thing to do....much like you did right here, is to reach out for help. There are face to face alanon meetings in your area and that would be a great way to start building support. We have members here who have written similar posts that I know will come along and respond to this who have been aided greatly by alanon. There is hope.

Here is a link to alanon in your area: www.lubbock-al-anon.org/

There is also a hotline number to call on that page. That might be useful to you to have someone to talk to right now if need be. Don't be fearful to use the hotline number. Most of us were pretty sad, scared, and feeling desperate when we started this journey.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Hugs... the only way to help HIM is for you to take care of yourself. Use the link to find face to face meetings... and go to as many as you can... go to a different group every night if possible... find 2 or 3 meetings that feel right for you.... and keep going...

get some of the al-anon literature and read it...

You did not cause this
you can't cure it
you can't control it

the only (and best thing) you can do is take care of yourself. Al-anon once you open your mind to it will help.

I was (and I still am to some degree) VERY Al-anon resistant. And yet going to the meetings and doing the work even if it seemed odd to me has really helped.

Also if there are OPEN AA meetings in your area I find them very helpful to understand addictions.

Lenora · Member

Thank you for your reply pinkchip. I know that I enable him because he is such a bully and it scares me. He also has so much pain inside that he cuts and burns himself. He is my only child, I lost 2 at birth, so it is so hard to watch him go through this. I know it is an illness, but it is so hard to understand and deal with. I have such severe panic attacks now, that I am afraid to leave my own home. That is why I was looking for online help. Thank you for your advice. Lenora

Mike B · Senior Member

Hi Lenora,

Welcome and sorry to hear of your struggles. The positive in all this is there's help. Help from people who have been in your shoes. Keep posting here and Alanon meetings. From experience, the more we try to help the Alcoholic without their willingness to change the woarse things get for them and us. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and that's also the best thing we can do for the Alcoholic.

I'm also a recovering Alcoholic, my path to change was through pain. Pain is the motivator for an Alcoholic. When others get in the way of the pain, it slows the process down. I had to lose everything dear to me and experience the pain ALONE before I took action.

As far as the panic attacks- it might be time to see a physician. Once again, taking care of yourself.

Lenora · Member

Thank you Ladybug. I need to get over the fear of leaving my home and facing other people. That is something I will work on.

Lenora · Member

Thank you Mike. I have seen a doctor and am on anxiety medication and anti depressants. My son is also bi-polar.

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

there are some wonderful books and desensization groups available for panic attacks. sounds like agaraphobia . im a recovering panic/agoraphobic since 1975. if u want more specific inffo private message me on my white board

GreenerGal · Veteran Member

I love my Al-anon books so much and they really help when I can't get to a meeting. My favorite is Courage to Change (one day at a time in Al-Anon II). We're here anytime you need us!

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

We on the board have all felt the devastation of alcohol to our lives. For myself, almost 2yrs in alanon, I have come from depressed, obsessed, miserable, losing myself, and being so unhappy, to a new person. My new alanon me is happy much of the time. I am rarely codependent with my A spouse, and I really have come to like myself so much. I just got involved with all aspects of alanon, do all of it consistently, and lo and behold, a new me is being born! It can only start with you, but what a difference can happen. Keep coming back! Lyne

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. You have had some great suggestions and i think if you do even a little bit you will be on your way to freedom from this. I had to learn detachment from my own son. Our relationship got unhealthy and codependant. I enabled and controlled and then was the victim and rescuer. These are parts i dont play anymore thanks to alanon. It can be done and the good thing is it is good for your son when you learn to let him go.

Nannynoo · Member

It is hard because they are our flesh and blood and we love them BUT not at our own expense , our own health and the rest of the familys demise

It is actually unfair but one persons illness can drag another down so you have to take care of YOU

There are a lot of emotions to deal with eg anger , disappointment , worry etc but we have to deal with those emotions ourselves seperate and detach and get on with our OWN recovery

It is actually a joy in separation , freedom to be , to breathe , to recover , to have a life of our own , to be WELL IN OURSELVES and then we can be part of all sorts of miracles

We need rebuilding - fast , we must try the best we can to prevent further damage and we are not actually doing them any good when we give into them

You will be a stronger person at the end of this and you are actually doing it for his own good as well as yours , it might not seem that way but BOY is it for the good when you remain strong and detached!

I am telling myself this because it is HARD , to be consistent too because it never seems to let up but you need the space to heal and you will 'be strong' one day because practice makes perfect and the things you used to give in to it becomes second nature not to and dare I say EASIER not to , you know the score , they know the score and you stick to it , it will hopefully become part of you and second nature but all this takes time and space and you need your space now

Cooper · Veteran Member

Lenora I have been going thru a similar situation with my son, I will never stop trying to help him but AlAnon taught me the difference between enabling and help.

Some things AlAnon have helped me come to terms with. As much as I want to help him I will probably fail time after time until he accepts his disease and decides to fight back. I did not cause his alcoholism. I refuse to enable his behavior, even though I know it could cost him his life (that is by far the hardest thing for me to accept !) I will not structure my life around an alcoholic. I am not responsible for his actions and I will not protect him from himself. I will not lie for him or offer excuses for his behavior.

Watching a love one deteriorate is dreadfully painful, as others have stated you must learn to focus on yourself and not let his disease become your disease as well. My heart goes out to you, listen to the advise you get here, many others have been thru the same situation.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lenora - it also strikes me that your son's self-injury is a sign of serious mental problems. He could be involuntarily hospitalized for that...Those are suicidal gestures. To whatever degree possibly, he may need involvement in the mental health system also.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.