The truth is, our families are not in the program, my family is not anyway. After all the crap that happened in my childhood, how can I ask them to support me? I agree, the answer is, look to your alanon friends for support.

We can't save our family members. period. They have to find the program for themselves.

I am so grateful for this post and the replies to it.

My A and I are divorcing after 28 years together. Jan 2005 was the straw that broke the camels back. In August he moved out.... and in with another women. I filed for divorce Jan 2006. This is the 2nd time he stepped out on the marriage. The pain of rejection and betrayal is no less this time then the last. No more opportunities to hurt me will be granted my A.

My family has not been there for me emotionally, It took me until the last month to realize they do not get it.....will not get it...... do not want to get it. I've also realized my family dynamics have led me to make poor relationship choices in the past and created the mess of a person I am right now. The good news is I'm slowly seeing a bit more clearly. 

I'll try not ramble too much, I really feel the need to share my story here.

My Father passed in Jan 2000. Since then it seems the family has fallen apart. One brother lives out of state 250 miles away. My other brother, lives maybe 6 mi. from my Mom. I'm the only dtr. I live 34 mi from Mom I call her on a daily basis, she hears from my brothers maybe monthly I'm being generous and am fine with that, they have to do what works for them, it has no bearing on what I do. When my Dad died my A took over mowing the 7 acres of Moms. My brother that lives 6 mi away has had numerous issues for years, can not hold a job , his house is in major disrepair (broken windows, no working furnace, minimal working plumbing). Mom was not comfortable with him mowing, she expressed fears to me he would have a wreck, I suggested she give him the opportunity to try. He has minor health issues and uses his diabetes and lack of health insurance as an excuse for bad teeth and peridontal disease. I know many diabetice who still have their teeth as they took care of them and were willing to do what it takes. He will not '' subject'' himself to the paper work involved with signing up for his VA benefits that would address his diabetes, solve his insurance issues and pay for any neccesary meds. Maybe.... before it becomes a major health issue. When this thought is brought up he gets angry and starts personal attacks against me. I lash back and then feel even worse... I feel like I'm right back in the dynamics of my A and I. I understand the embarrasment of going to a dentist with problems that should not have been let go, I too had a bad tooth I neglected through not taking care of my self due to the depression of my failing marriage. Sometimes one must swallow their pride and drop the ego and do what it takes to get what needs done done. You can lead a horse to water but can not make them drink. I no longer even try to lead them. He is so similar to my A, blames everyone else for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life. It upsets me to just be around him. Yet I seem to be the only one that sees it. Then I'm the bad one of course. 

So when I decided Jan 2005 I was ending things with my A. I asked Mom to not call my A to mow , that either I would do it or since she had the means to hire someone,  maybe we should do that. I call her one day early spring and she says ''Guess who is here mowing, I ask who? she says My A's name''. I ask how did he get there? She says he just showed up. When he gets home I ask him how he happened to go mow at Mom's? He says she called me at work and asked me to come mow! When I called  her and asked... why would you call him behind my back... and ask him to mow.  Especialy when I'm trying to move away from him. I had specificly asked her not to call him. She says the grass needed mowed. I said, I was willing to mow, I would bring my mower if necessary in my horse trailer... since I was not the most comfortable with the big tractor and had not been shown how to use it yet. Mom to this day sees nothing wrong with calling him to mow. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed by her. I felt like her @#$%  grass and keeping up appearances in the neighborhood were more important then her dtr's request and feelings.

Then we have Mothers Day wow. This is my day to learn how to use the big tractor so I can assume mowing. I asked Mom about buying a smaller tractor, again she has the means. Her response was ''I do not want that thing to be parked in my garage, you can learn to use this one''. The old big tractor is 4wd has 2 gear shifts etc. I am so fast and comfortable with a hydrostatic. I felt like I'm willing to spend a day each week mowing for you, please can you not meet me in the middle sell the big tractor which is no longer needed as Dad is not using the front end loader etc. Purchase equipment I'm ok using. I'll MOW FOR YOU. No way.... I had to learn the old big tractor , which by the way my brother almost flipped this past summer. So we are sitting down to eat and brother E from out of state says that tractor really needed greased, it has not been done in years. I said I'm not surprised, my A has never been good about that type of maintenance. Brother B says nastily, your just predjudice against (my A). I'm very hurt.... my brother B has been around my A husband MAYBE once a year. Brother B has only come to my A's and my farm , maybe 3 times in 16 years, so how the heck would he know what my A greased or did not grease. Then brother E out in the garage after my tractor lesson says to me you know this breaking up of you and your A is hard on us too, we have known him for a long time. Again this brother saw my A only during holidays and hunting season.  I just sadly walked away.

Currently Mom's health is not as good. We are staying with her 24/7 and my brothers and I agreed we would hire outside caregivers a couple of times a week for a bit of relief. Well when brother B found out the expense he convinced Mom we could do without outside caregivers they were too expensive. Mom has the means. No regard or input from me on this decision, or the fact that I travel 34 miles one way and have 10 horses and 5 dogs at home to care for. I do love Mom dearly. I was on the phone with her when she had her seizure I sat on the floor with her waiting for the ambulance. I drove her back to the hospital when she GI bled. I was the one that called her every day to check on her since Dad passed.... I often had concerns if she fell she could lay there for a long period if no realized somethng was amiss. I have not talked to her sadly in a week. I removed my self from the dynamics as of last Sun. My brother B is more then I can take  and I feel twisting things. I felt the best thing was to remove myself and hope the truth would come out about my brother B in time or become so evident to brother E he could no longer stick his head in the sand. I miss Mom and am sad that this seems to be my only choice at this time.   Between the divorce, unhealthy family dynamics, my emotional turmoil... I'm trying to heal from 28 yr's of living with an A and also have a history of 8 mo of chemo due to cancer in my 30's. Sadly I've just realized how unsupportive my brothers were during that time as well. So none of this should be a surprise to me. Guess I've been doing a bit of sticking my head in the sand as well to keep EVERYONE HAPPY and to keep the peace. Heaven forbid anyone rock the sick boat.

I just can not do it anymore for fear of rolling over and just wanting to die. Enough is enough.

Oh and money is very tight for me. Well I had a bit of firewood not enough for the winter. Brother E comes up to the farm to hunt. He bought a new house with a fireplace and sees my firewood. We have lots of wood on the farm. The hunters cut me the small amt of wood for my stove in appreciation for hunting the farm. My A left me with no wood for the winter and until last mo was not paying a penny of support.  So my E brother asks me can I have a load of your wood for my new fireplace. I explain it is all I have for the winter, funds for oil are limited. I tell him he is welcome to use the chain saw and get all the wood he wants off the farm. Which he does go cut a load for HIMSELF. In after thought I'm thinking wow knowing my current situation, would it not have been nice for him to say hey sis I'll cut YOU some wood while I'm here as well as for myself. NOT IN MY FAMILY. Next year I will have learned how to cut my own wood, it will all be put up by Nov........plenty of it so I can share. Thank God for the hunters and my dear friends. Especialy one who has helped me keep my sanity and is bluntly honest with me if I'm being unreasonable. I pray to my HP to please let me see my similarities to my family, the ones that are not nice. To please give me the wisdom and strength to change them and no longer repeat the pattern.

So I've removed myself. It makes me very sad as I love Mom however I do not have the emotional strength to cope with the current dynamics. I'm sorry this is such a long saga, and includes such minor issues like getting someones grass mowed.When there are folks sick and dying that would jump for joy if mowing grass were their only worry. So often I do not feel as if I fit in this current world anymore. 

I have had to deal with a deep recessions where I lived for the last couple of years. I think it does affect you. I know people who gave their entire lives to companies who were then just let go with not much in the way of a settlement so in some ways I can understand your relatives issues. I think it is a readjustment to let go of the idea you are in a group/family and then that is gone too.

For whatever reason it may have been too much for her to take in your dilemma too. I do think it takes an al-anon member to respond. I am always surrounded by people who demand I leave tomorrow otherwise. For  me the choice of  leaving tomorrow is not one I want to take I do have that choice but it is not a choice I want.  I do want the choice of leaving though.

I know if and when I do leave the A there will be many many people who think I could have/should have tried harder or done it differently. That is human nature. I also know the A despite his claims to so many people of wanting to split up amicably would do everything he can to sabatage me so I think you were incredibly wise not to disclose to him your plans.  With an A I do not have an equal loving relationship I am a hostage to his disease.

Maresie