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Well today was interesting. Friday, my son told the his school counselor that he was afraid of his mom. That triggered her to call dyfs to let them know. I met w/ her and my son. I don't think he is afraid of physical harm but only anger, but then again he came home to see that my A had broken gifts into pieces and left them on the coach where I sit and sleep.
Our caseworker called and said that I'm not to leave the kids alone w/ my A. My son has his cub scout meeting I found places for both my daughters for the evening and I spent alot of times in Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts last night. This situation sucks tho because I'm truly powerless. Any of my kids now have VETO power. If one of them refuses to go to a friends house or come with me, I can't leave the house. I'm pretty much a prisoner. This seriously impacts my ability to parent (take my son to his practices and games and meeting, let alone run them, we started 20 min. late last night). I also had dyfs agree w/ the action plan that I go to my sis in laws Saturday overnight into Sunday.
Last night I went home with my daughter, she changed her mind about sleeping over but I'd be home with her. My A had taken every single item out from the kids or having to do with the kids and plopped them onto the couch. She cut herself out of every single Santa picture she could find.
So, pick up all my kids. My son didn't want to go home at all. Wanted to go to store and everyone elses but home. We all go home to get a few things. My A had already said she was going to come down w/ me to the in laws and then go to a dog shelter to find a new dog (different post entirely, lol). More items were on the coach now and my son was going thru them w/ a combination of anger and tears in his eyes. Then my son saw all of my baseballs and their cases in the garbage. This got him crying. Just yesterday he found a pin for my LL Region that I have been looking for in one of the ball holders w/ a ball. He was so proud and now it was in the garbage. I took pictures (did the night before too) and this was the last straw. If every time I go out I have to worry about her destroying my kids memories, pictures and frames of the family, throwing my or our property into the garbage, this is not acceptable behavior.
I called the police and asked me what my rights were. They sent an officer over and he said that it was criminal mischief and that he was writing up a domestic voilence report. This also gave me the right to apply for an immediate restraining order which I declined for now. I then told my wife the the officer that I would not ride in the car with her down there as I just filed a complaint. She originally got in the drivers seat but the officer said she was obviously under the influence of something. He told her she should not drive. she moved to the passenger seat. I called the dyfs worker and told them that I was trying to enforce the agreement I made w/ them. Finally she suggested that I just take the kids in the house and when she got out of the car then try to go.
Then the kids were pissed. My son just wanted to get out of there. My daughters wanted to see their cousin who was visiting their aunt. Here I strung things out a little bit more than I should have. Finally my A relented and said that she had to go to the liquor store. Then she remembered the cop saying she shouldn't drive. She asked me to take her. My knee jerk reaction was No. Finally in the interest of getting my kids out of there, I decided that I was not enabling her but getting our butts out of there to a better place even if I was manipulated into it.
My 9 yo son started yelling at his mom to stop today. When I told him it was not his job to get involved, he told me that he would if he thought he could stop it. Poor kid.
She has her alcohol and substance abuse eval Monday. The caseworker told me she will also be calling and reminding her in the morning.
I don't know, not beating myself up but just trying to evaluate my performance. I wonder if I tried to control the situation too much. Maybe I should have just let her drop me off. I knew I needed the car to get food, I didn't want to be liable if she did get in an answer and have no car myself. I think I should have caved earlier on the going to the liquor store. It was just a ride and the end result was justified.
Also how much to I stand my ground. It's a fine line between teaching my kids not to allow oneself to be walked all over and protecting them from witnessing this. The officer and dyfs seems to not want the kids to see this stuff.
I have alot of options and decisions coming up. Hopefully HP will show me the way and give me strength.
Today just thinking off all the thoughts, prayers and love out there was overwhelming for me. In a good way. :)
Thanks for listening
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My heart hurts for you and your kids, son sounds like he is having a difficult time. Don't know what to say bump except, nothing you do will change the A. It is awful how this disease affects our children. All you can do right now is save yourself and save your kids, you can not save her if she doesn't want it.
Understand the ride to the liqour store, just wanted to get the hell out. Just try to stay strong for those wonderful kids bump.
You sound like a wonderful father, your kids are lucky to have you.
Stay strong and I pray for you to have the strength to survive all of this hell you are in.
May god bless you and keep you and your kids safe.
There is nothing controlling about trying to protect your kids and your sanity as well.
Don't beat yourself up, you are handling a horrible situation with love, grace and dignity.
it sounds like your wife is feeling angry and cornered right now. DYFS is calling the shots and that must not be making her happy. That is probably why she is doing all of this right now. If she doesn't cooperate with them, she will pay the price and that can't be making her happy either.
HP sent DYFS to you, hold tight, let them do their job. You are a wonderful parent and have nothing to fear from them.
Your children are so lucky to have a Dad like you. Give them a big hug, and yourself one as well.
((((bumP)))) what a mess, and I think you are handling it very well. It is so hard to know quickly what to do....you are doing a great job. My A also destroyes things, it is heartbreaking. I know they are just material things, but lots of memories and sentimental things. Hurt when they are destroyed. Your kids are luck to have you.
One, question, how do you go to work with all this chaos? I was written off all this week by my Dr, but cannot affort to be off anymore. Just don't have strength to work and deal with the heartache and pain too. Am so exhausted.
My prayers are with you and your kids. You are doing the right thing.
Bob just keep handing it over and your HP wil lead the way in his time. Hang on! Hug your kids every chance you get and tell them you love them and in time it will all work out. There is a special place in heaven for people like you! :)
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I am sorry to hear the A is losing it sounds like she is bottoming out. I would not go so much by what the police say when they come over. They do not necessarily write a report in your favor. After all they see domestic violence stuff day in day out. They cannot for example say she did this because they did not see her do it. They can merely write up that you called and that you were concerned about this issue.
I can understand your children being upset about being around a mother who is unravelling in front of them. Do you think this might prompt her to go to detox and rehab? Has she been before. As I write this I note my own A is going into the back shed to get stoned. it is the only way he can cope with living. Either he is irritable or stoned or loaded really that is the only way he can be I don't think he has ever been sober in his life.
I am sure your A is aware that things are coming to a head and she is setting herself up to have to fall. Perhaps that is the only way she knows how to ask for help.
I know for me living with an A will never be a balanced happy way to be where my needs will be met. I am sure it is a nightmare for your children to see their belongings trashed. I am sure it is also deeply embarassing to have a mother who is loaded all the time.
You have every right to be angry at her and acknowledge she is making your life hell at the same time her actions speak to someone who is in the throes of her disease rather than being able to behave rationally at all.
