trouble in the chat room - Al-Anon Family Group

Jayda · Veteran Member

trouble in the chat room

Robinks · Senior Member

I can certainly relate. I have learned to detach from people who are negative, mainly my mother and my ex husband.

Tonight was my sons graduation from Cub Scouts, my ex was at the dinner. Taking care of me means not talking to him because he never has anything nice to say. That is what I did, I did not talk to him. Some people might think that is harsh but it is what I have to do to take care of me.

Jayda · Veteran Member

Robinks: Yes, I totally agree. That is definitely one thing I have learned to do is separate myself from anyone who has any type of negative effect on my life. I don't have the energy any more to deal with people like that. You do what you have to in order to look after yourself. Take care.

Robinks · Senior Member

Old habits are hard to break. Especially talking to the ex, always "hoping" he would change. It never happened, I don't have to talk to him. That is the best way for me to take care of me.

I am not at that place with my mother, I still struggle. I still have to remind myself of all the sick terrible things she has done to me and will continue to do. My mother has called and left messages for my son for quiet some time, over several months. I have told my son, who is now eleven years old. He does not call her back. I don't push him. Last week my mother waiting for my son to come out of school and told him she had Christmas presents for him and asked if he could come over on Sunday. My son asked me if he had plans on Sunday. I said no, I had forgotten that he had a friend spending the night on Sat night and baseball practice on Sunday. I emailed my mom and told her he had plans maybe they could get together another day when he was not so busy. I laid awake the night before I sent the email, worrying about what crazy thing my mother would do, would she take off with my son? Would she have one of her many temper tantrums because he could not spend the whole day with her? So, I told her no. I am tired of worrying about what bs she will pull on me. Sick and tired.

Robinks · Senior Member

The truth is that my son would not consider going over to my mothers had she not waited for him after school and bribed him with Christmas gifts.

My mother has no concept of boundaries. If I had not emailed her and told her that my son had plans on Sunday she would have just shown up at the door and demanded that he come over right then and there. She would not have gone away until we opened the door. Her inappropriate behavior in the past has caused me to lose sleep and I am tired of living like this. I am setting hard boundaries and I hate the "guilty" feeling that I feel when I shut people out who continue to exhibit inappropriate behavior.

iona54 · Veteran Member

there are times when we all go through not being or feeling quite right..am so glad you give the benfit of the doubt..please come back to room...it is full of love..hugs iona54

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jayda,

I'm sorry that you felt the others comments were an attack. Most of us have come to the realization that for us, our A's bottom, and recoveries are our business. We've found a truth in the 3c's that we can't control it, we didn't cure it, we didn't cause it.

Keep coming back !

Bob

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jayda,

So sorry you didn't get the support you needed. Please keep coming back. I have had such wonderful support here.

Look so forward to talking to ya. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye but no one should be rude.

Andrea

sparkette · Senior Member

I am so glad you posted this Jayda. I have also seen times in the room where there has been a negative energy and it is so frustrating to watch someone get shot down. Most of us are fixers and that makes it harder to watch a painful experience like yours. I have mistakenly jumped in to defend someone in the chat room...in reality it isn't my place. I hope the person you are referring to - as well as others like them - will read this post of yours and think before they speak. (((jayda)))

Picowitch · Veteran Member

Jayda

I'm sorry to hear you had a negative experience in the chatroom. A lot of us have sometimes bore the brunt end of someone else's emotional vulnerability, myself included but I have to say it has been far outweighed the the love and genuine care shown by so many others in the room - I hope you keep coming so you can have the positive experience I have been lucky to have shared within the room.

Take care, and at the end of the day, it is up to us if we take on board the negative comments or only use the positive - easier said than done when we ourselves are vulnerable I know, but something we learn.

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