I can't deal with his blaming me - Al-Anon Family Group

sdisnie · Senior Member

I can't deal with his blaming me

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

My dear, some of them just don't get it. It is too bad that he wrote such as that in a letter to your son. I only pray that someday your son understands you do not cause his dad to drink. Maybe he already understands...still not the thing for your A to do. But who can explain them??? Not me.

Good luck and best wishes, Diva

Kim · Senior Member

Accepting responsibilty is a difficult task for an A....blaming is easy. Behaviors that have manifested themselves over years do not change overnight (or 60 days) Especially if one is not actively trying to change those behaviors. Many A's will say that not drinking and drugging is the easy part...it is changing the behaviors that is hard....to stop blaming, lying, cheating stealing...well that takes daily maintenance. You are right, you would never cause his drinking...and I too am sorry that he felt the need to place the blame on you to your son. However, it is porbably his own guilt as to what he is doing to his children that causes him to place blame with you. He is also using the words of a program to hit home......hitting one over the head with the Big Book, if you will.....My A often would use program against me and others in order to skate around his poor behavior....and often would blame me for his drinking...it is what they do. All you can do is take care of you and know that you didn't cause it you can't cure it or control it.....

((((HUGS))))

Kim

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Even when they are in a program, they hear what they want to hear.

Apparently your husband has not gotten to teh point where he accepts responsibility for his own actions. It is always easier to blame someone else.

Hopefully your son will not read too much onto it.

You are not to blame! No matter what he says or does, don't forget that.

Love Jeannie

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

You did not cause it

You cannot cure it

You cannot control it.

Their way of thinking is not like ours. It is their mission in life to suck as many people into their sick littleworld with them. All I can offer you is Alanon. If you get to meetings and work the program, you will understand it more!

Josey

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it sounds like someone saying yes but I am terminally unique without her I would not be a drunk. My exhusband did that to me a lot. My exhusband went onto become a drug and alcohol counselor so you would have thought at some point he would make amends to me. None ever came. My exhusband also got hepatitis c (I learnt this through another source not him) he did not even bother to tell me. So much for program for some people and remember as a counselor he tells other people how to do their program. Some people never take responsibility in their lives. I'm not sure how he can do that. But he does.

I think he is also not taking responsibility as a parent. That kind of discussion to a child who is living with the mother is totally irresponsible.

I am sad that you have to bear this. My own experience of living with an alcoholic is that everything is a lie. Why stand on your head trying to work out what is the truth and what is the lie. I don't think it is possible sometimes to work out where they are at. Everything is twisted for them. I think it may take decades for some of them to be honest. They just do not know what it is.

I have very very very few expectations of the A anymore I really do. I know A's who are in sobriety who pride themselves on their sobriety and every word out of their mouths is a lie. I think it is part and parcel of alcholism in some ways. I find it more and more and more difficult to be around active A's. I have a younger sister who is an A and really most of the time I have spoken to her I have just heard the alcohol and it is affecting her thinking and is progressive. Her lies and denial get more and more involved. I am not sure what her truth is anymore but I know I am not much interested in being invited to hear it.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to detach when your A is writing such things to your children. I know I find it almost impossible sometimes to detach from some of the things this A has done to me. At the same time I've had to in order to move forward. I am determined to do that. I will get better regardless of what he does. He will never drag me down to those depths again I am not going to be destroyed by his actions anymore.

Maresie.

roygbiv · Senior Member

sdisnie wrote:

"I know you don't understand what is going on with me and your mother, but I afraid that being with her will cause me to drink again, and me drinking again means me dying." I really broke down after reading that. Is it me or is that sick to say?!?!? He is STILL blaming me for his drinking!!! I didn't cause him to relapse there in Arizona! I wasn't even out there when it happened! This hurts me so bad I can't even stand it. Also, I'm pissed because he didn't write a letter trying to explain to me what he was doing. I think I'm owed more of an explanation than they are!!!!!!!

He supposedly has been doing outpatient rehab now for 2 months and has been sober 60 days, why is he still blaming me?! I thought they're taught to not blame everyone else.

He's very newly sober, sixty days is very new. The old-timers say they don't even listen to a guy unless he has five years sober under his belt (un-pickled).

I didn't hear blaming in his quote, but I heard a lot of reacting from you. You will learn how not to react. You need to learn not to react. It's not serving you, it's not healthy...for you...and your recovery and health matters. I also hear resentment in the sentence about deserving an explanation. Learn to let it go. Let go and let God. These are poisons to your health.

sdisnie · Senior Member

I'm sorry, but how do you not hear blame in "I'm afraid being with your mother will cause me to drink?" No matter which way I read it, I hear him blaming me! How can being with someone 'cause' you to drink? I have NEVER put the bottle to his lips, bought him any, or told him to drink, or shoved it down his throat.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think a lot of As look to blame people for their issues. The proof as you said is in his actions. He is still not being responsible. I think that is very very difficult to deal with but I know when I came to an acceptance that it was the "disease" that I was dealing with rather than personal to me I was shocked by my being able to not take it personally. It is incredibly difficult not to take it personally but for me the resentment can and is poisonous. Does that mean I let the A get away with stuff. No but I do stop thinking he is doing it to me personally. I know the A has systematically and on many many many levels destroyed his life far beyond stuff he did with me. He would like to make it all "me" but he can't.

I am sure you have seen his disease progress and you know it is not about you. You can separate out the rage at him and the rage at his disease. My resentments can eat me alive and I have to manage them very very carefully. I hope you will get a sponsor keep venting and keep working on how your resentments are affecting you.

Maresie.

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