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I'm not sure of where else to turn at this point. My brother-in-law's wife has been dealing with severe alcoholism for many years now. Things became quite bad almost five years ago. She suffered from withdrawal and was in a medically induced coma for almost a month and nearly died. Since then she has been involved in a hit and run while intoxicated and a few other drinking while driving incidences. She has been through a number of treatments as well as prison. Nothing seems to be helping her stay sober.
They have three children who have been struggling with living with an alcoholic mother and I am afraid it has taken a heavy toll on them mentally, emotionally, and physically. The most recognizably affected is their 16 year old daughter. When this all began, she thought her mom was the greatest and thought that almost dying would set her straight. Now for the past two years she has been struggling with suicidal tendencies and has made several attempts on her own life. Each time she was admitted to a hospital and then held for awhile. Then she was put into a program for troubled teens for five months and within a month of leaving the program and returning home, she once again tried to overdose on pills.
The other two children are dealing with everything in their household in their own way, but appear to be severely depressed. Our family has had discussions and an intervention with my brother-in-law, but there were no consequences, so things did not improve. He has kicked her out several times, but only for a couple days, while she goes on a drinking binge while he puts her up in a hotel. We've expressed out concern for his children, but he says he still loves his wife and can't leave her.We feel helpless in the matter and now their daughter is planning on running away if her mom doesn't leave and she plans on taking her younger brother with her. We wish we could convince their father to leave their mom and that he is married to an illness, but he refuses to give up on her, even if it means neglecting his children.
Any help, advice, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I don't know where else to turn.
I don't have any fantastic advice, but I can share that I have found that Alanon is a powerful and positive program, and it has really helped me a lot. Face to face meetings and this message board have helped me return to sanity, and I am beyond thankful for them.
I hope that the same is true for you. I hope that you keep coming back, and that you think about attending a local face-to-face meeting as well. I wonder if your brother-in-law has considered attending meetings as well. I think that it is true that living with an alcoholic has a huge impact on children, and it might be helpful for the children, especially the teenagers, to attend Alateen meetings. I don't know the relationship you have with your brother-in-law and the children, but you could consider whether it would be ok and appropriate for you to suggest Alanon and Alateen, or maybe even give the children an Alateen one day at a time book. You will be the best one to know whether these things would be appropriate in your family dynamics.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks you for your response Skorpi. My brother-in-law has been attending Alanon for awhile now, but I'm unsure if he's taking away anything from the meetings. I believe the children have attended Alateen, but I'm not sure how regularly they attend the meetings. The children feel they are trapped with a "monster", their words, not mine. We really wish we could convince their father to kick her out and focus on repairing their family. If my wife and I were in a better position, we would probably consider petitioning for custody. It is not a healthy environment and I worry about them everyday.
Thanks you again for the response. I just may need to attend a meeting in person.
Have you thought about calling cps or taking the children in yourself to give them a safer environment? Al-anon has helped me immensely in dealing with my family and ex alcoholic husband and I suggest al-ateen for the children of alcoholics. I am glad you are in the kids lives and care about them. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear how this addiction has effected the entire family. This disease truly destroys people....
I would like to echo what Breakingfree mentioned. Considering the children are depressed, a harm to themselves (as evidenced by suicide attempts, running away, depression etc. etc.) CPS may be an excellent place to go to ensure the children are safe, and of course that is priority #1.
I'm glad her husband has attended Al-Anon. Although it may not look as if it's taken hold yet - the seeds are planted and in his and HP's perfect time, they will take root.
Mostly my hope for you is that you are taking care of yourself, knowing that there is nothing to "do" for her - as she must do for herself.
I wish you the best in terms of finding help, support and resources for the children. You are a blessing to them. And thank you for sharing your story - keep coming back!
I'm sorry to hear this about the family. This is the hardest thing to deal with truly. We love the person we hate the disease... we have no control but children are so vulnerable and it's not their choice.
I also will say meetings can help. IT took me a while to get it. It also took me a lot of different meetings giving them all at least 2 chances. Some meetings are better than others. SHOP AROUND.... as many meetings as possible will help you find a group that fits. DO NOT give up. I think some of us need MORE than 6 meetings to figure out that it works.
Can you offer the kids informal housing? not petition for custody but rather say "you can stay with us for a bit" ? A blow up mattress in the living room would probably feel less insane to them then mom right now.
hugs and thank you for worrying about the kids...
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hey Lockecole I hope you're doing okay I understand where you're coming from as I am a 16 yr old girl who's mom suffers from severe alcoholism. The best advice I could give in your situation ( I know I'm young but I had to be more of a mom to my mom than she is to me) is to maybe have a word with the daughter and the other children at the house, and see what they really want doing about it. It coul come to them all wanting to move out to get away from their mother, (as I did when I moved in with my dad) in which case something could be arranged. I think with that would take some immediate stress off the situation with them not having to be put through that everyday, which would allow your brother in law to think things through more clearly, and for you and your family to have another talk with him, bit your first move should definitely be to make sure the children are okay, as they are vulnerable and are clearly being affected. I hope things turn out okay in the end, Chelsea x
