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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What do you think? NEED HELP!
Post Info TOPIC: What do you think? NEED HELP!
roxannejharris


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What do you think? NEED HELP!
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I guess I am not really sure where to start out. I just need some advice. I am 24 years old and have a 6 month old daughter. My daughters father and I have been together for 3 years on and off because of his drinking. His drinking has gotten better from drinking every night now down to usually 2 nights a week.


The main problem is he is not a very nice drunk, he is demeaning,irresponsible,and obnoxious. I left him when I was 8 months pregnant due to drunken outrages gave him the ultimatium of family or drinking (he said he wasnt choosing but he obviously did). He cried in the hospital and said his daughter changed his life and he had made some really stupid decisions. I gave it a month of seeing each other and decided to only move the basics back into the his house. After a month of living there, things went bad again. I left him 2 days before Christmas. Needless to say I wasnt even gone a week and he slept with a so called (friend). I ignored phone calls for that week. I started talking to him again so he could come see his daughter. She needs a dad in her life. He waited until Jan. 24th to see her and then came again on the 30th. In between all of these times he got drunk everynight and left obscene messages on my phone. Jan.31st asked me to marry him over the phone. Marriage WILL NOT solve our problems, we need to talk about things in person and work on a relationship before marriage should ever come up.


At the beginning of Feb. he showed up to see our daughter and asked later on if he could talk to me. He gave me a diamond ring (promise ring) since I told him marriage was out of the question. This ring means that I promise you that I will not treat you bad anymore and I will be the man and dad I need to be. All I ask is to go out on Wed. nights and some Sundays. I ended up once again giving in for the 1000th time and saying ok. you will have to prove youself that this is really what you want. I have no trust for you and I dont want to be hurt or lied to again.


Within these two weeks he has gotten drunk. He says he is not an alcoholic, but I guess I am not really sure what an alcoholic is anymore. He cannot go to the bar and have a few beers. He has to get smashed or buzzed. He says I am just a fun hater,and he has fun drinking and that is the only way he can have fun with his friends and he is not giving up his friends. I should just stop bitching about things and everything would be fine and he would be nice. Well that doesnt happen i have tried to keep my mouth shut and he still gets evil when he drinks.


I guess I dont even know what I am asking here. I am so confused, I dont know what to do anymore. I do not want to live un-happy anymore or let my daughter see this, but on the other hand he has changed a lot, I know he loves us, and i love him with all my heart.


He went out Wed. night against my wishes because he had made another promise to not go out to the bar unless it was with me,but he went ahead and called me and said he was going, I got a little mad,but told him to make his own decisions and i would make my own. Then he called tonight, I asked him if he was going to come see his daughter, He said well I dont really feel like driving to town. (We live 5 miles apart.) Then he said and even if I do come I will have to wait awhile because I had 2 beers (6pm works until 5:30 at least) He cant drive because he has  a breathalyzer from getting 2 OWI's before he was even 21yrs old.


I let him go because i didnt like his attitude and he called back 20 minutes later saying sorry for acting that way. I asked him if he was coming in. He said well I dont know, if I do you will just bitch and be mad. I said why is that? he told me well....I am thinking about going out to the bars tomorrow night with my friends. I said well I guess you are kind of right, I am not going to bitch but you disappoint me and this proves to me that you really dont care. We continued to argue on the phone for a good hour before I finally got sick of it and told him to go out, do what you want, leave me alone and stay out of my life. I am sick of you leading me on telling me what i want to hear and doing the opposite not even a week later.


He says he is not an alcoholic he just likes to have fun. I dont really know what he is or who he is anymore. He lies all the time and chooses drinking over me and his daughter 75% of the time. If if give him the ultimatium drinking or me and your daughter, he would choose drinking. I know I cannot change him, I dont want to change him, I want him to live his life the way he wants. he just expects me to put up with it so he can have the best of both worlds. I have told him I cannot make you do anything and you cannot make me live un-happy.


I just thought that someone on here might have some useful advice, or support. Thanks for listening i tried to sum up 3 years of really bad problems and left a ton of stuff out but maybe you can kind of understand. I just need someone to talk to that maybe knows what I am going through or maybe what he is thinking. I wish this relationship could work,but I really have my doubts about it ever working. He WILL NOT get help....hes too much of a man he says and he doesnt have a problem..its not a problem having fun.....i should do it and i would realize it's just fun not an alcoholic problem. Is he blind or me?


Thanks again in advance!


Roxanne



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Roxanne J Harris
rtexas


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Roxanne,


Very sorry to hear about your pain.  I am relatively new to using this board, but the people here are wonderful, and can help you with your questions.


"Is he blind or me?"  - You will find the answer to that question is you both are.  But don't beat yourself up.  His drinking is affecting your relationship and his relationship with his child.  So yes he has a problem. 


Your blindness is the same problem I had until just this week.  Alcoholism is a disease, like cancer.  He has it, and without treatment he doesn't have the kind of choices a reasonable person would have about how he acts.  It is not him you are trying to reason with - its a disease.


Imagine telling someone in the middle of a sneazing fit that "if you love me you will stop that sneazing!".


So here is what that means... You have an attachment to this person through your daughter, and a right to not go nuts.  You need to get some more information.  It will really help you understand what you are dealing with.  You will get all the loving support you could wish for here, but the information that is available in literature is very powerful.


Find a local Al-anon meeting and go there.  This board is great, but they will give you literature that is eye opening at the meeting place.


You are in the right place...


Take care of you



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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
just me


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Welcome to MIP....


So...what are you going to do?  The first lesson I learned was the 3 C's.  You did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it.  You can only either learn to cope with it or get out and figure out why you attracted an "A" in the first place.  I had to marry 3 of them b4 figuring out I had a problem.


 


Keep coming back...u r worth it.


 


Julia 



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lin0606


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Welcome, yes this is the right place for you.

Most of us here have heard the "I should just stop bitching about things and everything would be fine and he would be nice" line before, many times, and most of us have even fallen for it.


He will promise anything, and he will break his promises. That is what alcoholics do. He will blame you for everything that goes wrong, because that is what alcholics do. He will drink, even at times when you really need him, because....you get the picture.

In my opinion, there is no way to have a real loving relationship with a practising alcoholic without alanon tools, and even then it is very very hard. Things may go well for some time, but their disease always comes back and bites you. I remember, throughout the 20 years I spent while my husband was drinking, reading marriage columns in magazines, Ann Landers and all that, and thinking "Yes, but - this just doesn't apply to me" All the normal advice for working out problems with normal people just doens't work with A's.

If you want to keep him in your life, and it looks like he will have a place, because you have a child together, the best thing you can do for yourself and for your baby is to get involved with alanon. You will learn some tools for dealing with him, you will learn what you can and cannot expect from him, and most of all, you will learn to focus on yourself, stop thinking and worrying about him, and make your own choices, live your own life, no matter what he does.

We have all been where you are, in one way or another. Welcome.

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mebjk


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Hello, roxanne,
I'm so glad you are here. When I read your story, I was reminded once again of the insanity we all live with when alcohol is involved. Something in us believes the words instead of the actions. That is part of our own illness. It doesn't matter if the other person is an A or not, really, what matters is what we are willing to put up with in our lives. These words are for me as much as you!
They say something in the program that really makes sense to me. I think of it so often: "Insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results."
Keep coming back here. And find a baby-friendly face to face meeting. Get a good sponsor and work the steps. Do this no matter what the A does or does not do or say. There is truly power in the program, power to change us and our lives. You and your baby girl deserve this!
Blessings to you, roxanne,
mebjk

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mebjk
Flora123


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Dear Roxanne,

Welcome to alanon. I can only echo what the previous posts have said: try to go to a face to face meeting, read some literature, and take care of you.

Your post made me sad and happy. Sad that someone should be going through this at your age, happy, because you have faced up to the problem and are prepared to change.

In alanon, I have met many women who hid their partner's drinking for years - it used to be such a taboo and shameful thing, it is good that you are reaching out for help, things will get better, little by little.

Hope to see you in chatroom also,

Lots of love,

Flora
xxxx


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jrtjosey


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It so hard with a little one involved, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  Weigh your choices carefully as you have been.


Josey



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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
roxannejharris


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thank you all for the support. i really appreciate you taking time to read my story and give me some hope that I will get through this. He is a completely different man when he does not drink or does not want to go drinking. I know he has a wonderful side to him, but the bad shows through enough to where it is not fair for my daughter to see, and not even fair for me to see. I have dealt with it for 3 years now and that is long enough. I know I cannot make him get help, but he is constantly calling saying sorry and making excuses. Then when I tell him to just move on and live his life the way he wants he throws in my face that I dont care or love him and he can change because he has changed from drinking every night down to 2 nights. He trys to tell me it will take time but he will never quit but he will eventually treat me good.


I dont think that I should have to wait around for someone to treat me good. I know that I am worth more that that, and that I am a good person with a big heart. I know everything will work out the way it is suppose to and god put me in this situation for a reason. I did get a beautiful daughter out of a bad relationship and I would not give her up for the world. She is my life and my soul. I need her, I do not need him, but I want him to be a man and know that he needs help.


Thanks again you guys are great!


Roxanne


here is my daughter


http://madisonjoy.blogspot.com


 



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Roxanne J Harris
lin0606


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She's beautiful, and deserves to grow up in a sane household. Keep on doing what is best for her, and for you.

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maresie


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This particular A I am dealing with now (6 years) is the only one I have dealt with the driving stuff around. I can tell you that it has made my life incredibly difficult the way he keeps crasing cars and acting like it is everyone else's fault.


I can also say that it does not get better unless they decide to get sober. You may well want him to be a man and be the father to your daughter at the same time as long as he is drinking, lying, irresponsible he is not that. Getting honest for an A seems to be constitutionally impossible (they say that in the big book). Your A has no doubt been exposed to AA many  many times.


Personally I dont see much fun in getting drunk driving charges, being irresponsible and lying. But I know people who do. I try not to have anything to do with them these days because I want a quiet life.


Obviously you will be having something to do with this man as he is the father to your daughter. I am so sad for you that your life has already been this merrygoround. I do know with al-anon it does get better, much much much better.


I also know that is irregardless of what he does. I am glad for you that you find great joy in your daughter. You deserve to be happy.


Maresie.


 



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