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This past week things have been coming to a head here. I discovered the 17 year old stepdaughter is smoking and had a bottle of vodka (big size) hidden in her drawer - her 21 year old sister has been buying the cigarettes for her, my 23 year old son bought one pack for her. The 17 year old is visiting her mom right now, she was supposed to be there until next friday but will be coming home tomorrow as she cannot handle the toxic environment with her mother and the family there. She does not know yet (unless her sister told her) that hubby and I know about the smoking and the vodka bottle. Hubby knew she had drank with her friends about 3 months ago, she at least was honest with him about that, didn't really enjoy it either he says, but he did not know she had the bottle hidden here. He will talk with her about it all and I will keep my mouth shut and let him handle it. Hubby and I agree that it is our responsibility as parents to "get in the way" when it comes to the kids under 18 doing things that are wrong. I'm not so much worried about the 17 year old, she is a good kid and while she may fly off the handle, she will also take some time to think about things and then come talk with us and admit where she is wrong. I've had some very good conversations with her in the past and told her how I understand how hard it is to change behaviors that you grew up with in dysfunctional settings. That I don't expect a change overnight, that she is just like me in trying to progress and change... I do understand. We sat and talked, both of us with tears in our eyes... it was a good talk. She apologized for yelling at me and said she does respect me. It is hard for her, her mother pushed so hard for both the girls to hate me, to take sides. It is sad that the girls were put in that position.
On the other hand now, the older girl and my oldest son... well. We have very very simple house rules here. We ask that everyone just keep their own things picked up. To help just a little if they see something needs doing. When hubby would come home after being on the road (he's a truck driver), we'd sit down with kids and go over this stuff. They'd say okay and do it for the few days he was home. Then he'd leave and they'd go back to the same thing... not doing anything. I'd ask for it to be done, and I'd get attitude back and it either didn't get done or half-assed got done. For the most part, it didn't get done. These two older ones have a relationship together. She moved in with us 3 years ago when her son was just under a year old. Now she is pregnant again, due in July - she and son decided they wanted to have a kid together. They talk about how "adult" they are (mostly that comes from her) - but what I see here are two young kids who really don't know anything about being totally responsible for themselves. They live in our home, they eat our food, they use our utilities, they do both work (thats a plus), they did pay a minimal rent to us ...... but when it came to keeping things clean here and just helping out with normal household chores, they don't do it. Their attitude one of "house rules don't apply to me", their behavior showing they just don't give a damn, total disrespect for hubby and I. Last December we had a big blow-up and hubby sat and talked with them both, for the first time he saw for himself the attitude I'd been trying to tell him about and after seeing that he agreed with me that it was time for them to move out. He gave them until May saying they didn't have to pay rent anymore so they could save their money to move.
I've had wonderful support from my sponsor and the group here, encouragement on which tools to use to keep my sanity through all this. Detach with love, find acceptance, either pick things up myself and don't nag or leave it there and don't nag (LOL), and so on. I worked hard on doing that, but I admit there have been days when my program just flew out the window and I'd explode about the mess. I didn't like how I felt when I "lost it"...so I worked harder and began to just toss things in the trash if I had to pick them up. I told them all I would... so I did. I think I could have gone on in this manner and been "okay" until they moved out in May... but now enter in the equation of what is going on with 17 year old. These two older ones know how we as parents don't approve of certain things (especially those things that are against the law...underage smoking/drinking), but here they are going behind our back and providing this to her under our very roof. I said to hubby, what if my two younger children (14 and 16) decide they want to smoke? Will they buy them cigs too? I cannot trust them anymore. They have absolutely no respect for this being our home. Time for them to leave. He agreed but would hem and haw about how he wanted them to be okay and able to make it on their own...I said I was at the point that I didn't care if they had to sleep in their car until they found a place.... she has a tax refund of $3000, that is certainly enough to get into an apartment. I felt I was not being heard by him, I felt like I was spiraling totally out of control these past few days, I've been so stressed my body is rebeling on me with all kinds of aches and pains, I'd go isolate in my bedroom, etc.
This morning hubby is off to buy a truck, he got me up wanting to make decisions about whether he stays as a company driver or signs to be an owner/operator - the big question revolves around the medical insurance because we lose that if he becomes owner/operator status - we could pay Cobra for it (which costs an arm and a leg) - and I have "female issues" which may require surgery coming up, I see the GYN March 8th. All this to decide in 15 minutes cause he had to leave to meet the guy. He was frustrated, I was upset, voices were raised a bit...I finally said do what you think is best, this is your job, I will work with whichever way we have to do it..... and he looked at me and quietly said "look at you, you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown" and I just started crying cause yes I am, cause he HAD noticed, and he gathered me in his arms and said "we'll make this decision over the weekend, you need to take care of you" which of course made me cry harder and sob "i don't know what to do".....to which he said "don't you have a meeting you can go to today..." and then he realized he would have my car. So he says to me to just relax, to take care of me, that he spoke with daughter about them moving out and she said they'd start looking for a place.
I am feeling a bit better (I think?).... oh I don't know. I'm jittery, I still feel on the edge. I thought of taking army son's car and going to the meeting but I know I'd break down crying and I just didn't want to do that (although I know that might have been the best thing for me - to go to my alanon ftf family here - they would understand)...but then I also know that hubby is on his way home now with the guy he is buying the truck from and I need to go with them to the bank to make the money transfer and they'll be here before my ftf ends. So I decided to come here and just start posting, to let it all out, to tell my online family what is going on with me. I haven't eaten yet, its 12:30 p.m.... I should go in the kitchen and get something...that will help me feel better. So I'll do that, and then I'll go upstairs and make myself presentable for going out to the bank. Really feel like just crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and isolating... but I know that is not good self-care. So I will force myself to do what I should. I know if I don't... y'all will kick my butt. LOL I love you guys. Thanks for listening.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Wow, a lot of stuff going on for you and your family. I hope you can get to a meeting soon, they will listen and love you ... and make sure to fill up on some real hugs.
The one thing that got me through these last 12 days was remembering "This too shall pass". One day while I sat in the ICU I sat and thought of ALL the trauma and drama I had been through in my life..and you know what? Every single one of them passed and I got through. Some were just awful, but I got through those too and so will you my friend. It helped me to think that in a few weeks (hopefully), I'll be looking back and thinkin Whew!! Glad that's over.. I came home every night from the hosp and took a hot bubble bath and had a few minutes to center myself. ODAT.... We're always stronger then we think we are. Let go of what you can, if you can't let go then save it for later and hand it over to HP for a while, he'll give it back when it's time :).
Love you Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sounds like they really need to leave. If they are old enough to have a child then they can move into there own space and give you some peace. Understand the worries about the 17 yr old that is really hard.
You have to take care of you. Sounds like your hub is being very supportive. So stick to it get your home back and you will feel better I'm sure.
Do what is best for you for a change. You are so busy picking up the pieces of everybody else's lives that there is nothing left for you. I have had a breakdown so you definitely don't want to go down that path. If you feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over for one day just do it. If you don't allow your body to stop believe me it will stop itself when it is overloaded. Let someone else have the responsibility for a little while and take a breather. Hugs Luv Leo xx
(((Kismetstrand))) Can you set aside time to treat yourself each day or twice a day? Your husb sounds willing to take some of the work - let him. Rely on your hp. I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Changes are tough on all of us. take care --Jill
Always a tricky one this...teenagers can be very demanding,and the older ones...well,sounds like if they are old enough to make such huge,lifechanging decisions they are old enough to take the responsibility those decisions entail.Giving them acceptance and a time scale to get their act into gear,sounds very reasonable and loving to me.I went through much the same with my own kids and they DO come out of the other end.(hard to believe when you're in the thick of it...but they DO)LOL.Mine say now,crikey Mum...we had NO IDEA how awful we were being then....how the hell did you stay sane?? LOL
Recognising that you are on overload is a good sign ((kis)) and one you have to take seriously. Sounds like you and hubby are both pulling in the right direction and being very supportive of each other in this. Hang in there sweetie and this will pass.If your dear hubby can see the signs that you are feeling like you are about to crack,let him take some of the load and don't be a martyr!!(Yes,us alanons do have a tendency towards thinking we HAVE to do everything,and be there for EVERYONE?)
Take some "time out" and allow yourself some "me time",practice some self care.Anything you feel can be put on the back burner....do it....hand it over to HP and only deal with what you can comfortably deal with one day at a time.
Kis I can compketely relate to kids that should be on their own and their influence on the younger ones in the house. My sponge has moved on and it is better here, but too late, the damage has been done to my marriage. I'm still second. At least you have some hubby support. Hang on, it will work out in HIS time, not yours.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Kis: I know living with an active alcoholic his family dynamics are always likelyto come to play. One of his friends already tried to move in with us. I resisted that and another one is in the wings. Soooner or later he will be homeless he has other places to go but he is aiming at us. I know if the A had children I would be stuck in a similar dynamic to you and my heart goes out to you.
My heart also goes out about the financial issues. The A is always off on some scheme of going out on his own which is all very well if you are in a position to do that but it usually involves some huge sacrifice on my part. There is really no sense of shared partnership. If I am not behind him 150% then I am against him. These days I don't ask anymore. I am tired of being asked to sacrifice myself over and over and over again. He has absolutely no interest in me or my life or my concerns. I am meant only to be interested in his. Nothing else exists but him.
I am meant to be a martyr to him and his needs. I put together a lot of focus on myself. I know absolutely I cannot count on him for anything. He makes an art out of not being there for me on many many levels. Everyone else is more important than I am.
I am so sorry you have so much on your plate. I get exhausted just reading it. I have a lot of issues about my house now. I have put a stop to the A's friends coming over. I did years of entertaining them. I have stopped now. I do not need that people pleasing anymore.
I set goals for myself in terms of health. I am so sorry to hear you might need surgery. I am really sad for you because it does not sound like people will be supportive of you at home. The A is never supportive when I am sick but oh when he is sick I am suppposed to be Florence Nightingale.
I am glad that you have this room. I know I get so much out of just being able to tell the truth. As nasty and horrible as it is this is still my truth and I need to tell it to move on to a better truth.
