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A couple of days ago I posted about my A relapsing. We have 2 small children (1&3) and I know one time for sure he came with beer after picking our son up from preschool. Two of the bottles were empty but he swore he poured them out on the way home because he felt bad for even buying it. He has been caught lying to me many times before and even though he swears to this day that he didn't drink with our son in the car I don't believe him.
Now here's the big dilemma. I think when he bought his beer he had to do it with the kids with him at least once. Also, I will start working nights as a nurse in March and I am terrified that he will drink when I am gone. I really believe him when he says he wants to quit but he does not make rational decisions when it comes to alcohol.
I am not sure how big a deal to make out of this or if I should put our kids in nighttime daycare because of his recent relapse. What if one of the kids needs him and he is passed out? Or, what if one of them needs to driven to the hospital? I know these are his kids too but his judgement is skewed.
When I talk to him about this he either gets defensive or really quiet because he knows he caused the situation. So, am I causing him to live with the consequences of his actions by playing 20 questions because I think it might involve our kids or am I making his recovery more difficult? Also, I try to only ask questions when it involves the kids because I realize from Alanon that it isn't my job to keep tabs on who, what, when and where with his drinking.
I try to set boundaries but when I don't have solid proof where our kids are concerned I'm in a really bad position.
I have the exact same feelings about my daughter spending weekends with her dad! The court gave him visitation on the exact times he drinks! I made myself crazy trying to control the uncontrollable. So my advice is to Focus on what you can control here. Will the kids be in bed when you work? Can you call home to check on them b4 bedtime? I taught my daughter to call me from her dad's. Verizon has those new kid's phones that only dial 3 numbers. Maybe you could get a webcam or nanny cam and hook it up in the kids bedroom? Have a family member or friend help you check up on the kids? I am just trying to think of other possibilities for you to be able to work in peace. You are right in the fact that he will drink if he wants to no matter what you say or do.
I have two children ages 8&5 and my a husband has drank with our children in the car as well, so I can relate to your situation. One of my fears was that he would get pulled over and the children would get taken away from both of us.I can't imagine what I would do if that happened. Your children are still very young and it takes awhile I think to see what effects it has on the children when one of the parents is an active a. It's great that your husband seems to want to quit drinking and hopefully he will succeed, but if he doesn't, it's your responsibility to protect your children. I would think about removing myself from the situation until he has been sober and working a program for a period of time. My husband wants nothing to do with sobriety so I am choosing to divorce him and limit his seeing the children to when he is not under the influence. I believe that this is whats best for my children, you'll have to decide whats best for yours.
I would make a pretty big deal out of this if I were you, because if something happens to those children while in his care and he has been drinking, you'll have a hard time forgiving yourself. I think when you live with active alcholism you get just as good at minimizing things as the a does, and that can be a dangerous thing for you and your children.
Only you know what you need to do. I realize today that the only thing I can control is myself and my choices. I need to make decisions based on that alone. You stated that night time daycare is a choice you have. I have been trying to write down all of my options on paper when I am faced with a decision that I am having difficulty either making or accepting. What are your options, put them in black and white and then go with the one that you can live with. I am also learning that nothing is in stone, a decision that I make for today is just that, for today. So if for today, in order for you to make YOUR life more manageable, which would include being able to go to your job and be able to focus on that and not spend every moment worrying about your kids and the what ifs... then which of your options will make that possible. We have choices today, I wish someone had told me that a long time ago.
Totally understand your position. My kids are now 15 and 14 but hub did drink with them in the car. Espically my son. He use to make him lie for him ane everything. All I can say is this. My son now 14 is having such difficulties. He is so very angry at his father so there for he takes it out on the world. Good kid just full of anger.
If you are worried about your kids then do the best thing for them. After all you have to be the responsible one. You have to make sure the kids are well taken care of.
Unfortuneately, that is a life with an A, espically one active. Give him time to prove which way he is going to go, sober or straight. Do not put your kids at rish while you are figuring this out.
Afterall you are there mom and they are so very lucky to have you
"... I realize from Alanon that it isn't my job to keep tabs on who, what, when and where with his drinking."
The above is quoted from your post. Therein lies the error. You MUST "keep tabs" on the "who, what and when" of your husband's drinking when his interaction with children is involved!!! "Solid proof" is not required in setting boundaries. Set them! Stick to them! It is your responsibility to protect your little ones.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
While I do not have any control over my husbands drinking, as a Mother I have to have control over my children's safety.
That is one line I will not blurr and it doesn't matter to me what any program says.
I do not allow my husband to interact, watch, drive or do anmything with my children when he is drinking. He has proved to me that he will lie and drive with them while drinking, he has played so roughly that he has hurt them (minor things) while drinking. He uses unbelievably bad judgement and says things that no child should hear when he is drinking. I cannot trust him to watch the kids at night ever. I cannot trust him to take them in the car with him unless I am along. these things might seem controlling to some, but I am not willing to jeapardize my little guys safety in order for him to maybe prove himslef.
If it where me until my husband was well on the road to sobriety or my children where older, I would spend the money on evening day care.
