The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
today is a bad day for me. no reason in paticular, but i just am worrying about my dad.
i love him sooooo much!! i know that he loves me, too. but his drinking hurts me so much that i have detached myself from him. i refuse to support him and hold his hand while his life goes to sh*t.
i wish i could just forget about him!!! why can't i? why do i love him so much, why do we do this?
right now, to get through the day, i live in a fantacy world of living in the past. when i think of him, i just try to remember the father i used to know. the father who: was married to my wonderful mother, coached all our sports teams, volunteered at church, went on vacations, everyone loved and respected him, he was my hero! but now he is none of those things to anyone!
does it sound weird to live like this? anyone else live in a fantacy world? why do i let it bother me so much? why can't i just forget about it?
i may be babbling, but i just wonder if it is healthy to live this fantacy.
I do the same thing, flinfeet, but about my A husband. I remember the fun we used to have,the love he gave me, how we worked so hard side by side to remodel our home. We never ever fought. It's so hard to think that the person he was then, and the person he is now, exist in the same body! It is so painful for me to see him like this, so I remember how it was.
I think it's healthy to remember the good times, the good memories and hold them in our hearts.
But, I think we need to be realistic, too. And that is so hard. I just keep being told I can't change my husband back to the way he was, but God can. So, every second of every day, I have to remember to hand him over to God.
And, it's OK to have those good thoughts and memories (he was my hero, too, just like your dad was yours), as long as I do what I need to do, and take care of what I need to for me. And let God take control.
I agree with the others - there's nothing wrong with remembering why you love him, and there is nothing wrong with loving him. Just don't let it blind you to present reality, so that you do something that is not good for you. For instance, if he were to try to get back into contact with you, and you didn't let yourself think about the reasons you broke off with him, you might be tempted to think "Oh, it will be the way it used to be when it was good" and get dragged into the whole mess again.
It is possible to love the A, while taking care of ourselves. Some people can do this while living in the same house, some have to be across the country. Some can have limited contact, some can have none. Do what is best for you, and your own family. And remember, "One Day at a Time" - none of this is set in stone - if the situation changes, you can change, too.
