The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I"m not allowed to control my alcoholics. I'm not allowed to control the people around me. I can control my feelings and my actions.
So I want to redecorate my house. However I live with 2 roommates. And for the alst 6 months I've been putting things off in order to make them happy. In the meantime we have a TREMENDOUS need for storage AND we have an entire big room that is literally empty. So I drew up plans that accomodate the wishes that they expressed and they don't want to do anything. In the meantime we are all tripping over stuff that need to be stashed away.
So, I've finally come the decision that this IS something that I can control. I can make the move and get something done and if they don't like it then they don't like it.
It's not a question of not being allowed to control others, it's that it doesn't work. You can't do it the same way you can't fly.
You can control what YOU do. I don't know enough about your situation to know if you are off base or not, but here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Am I trying to guilt other people into helping me, by being a martyr? Will I be angry if my work is not ackknowledged, and if no one thanks me? Is my focus on the effect the work I do will have on others, or am I focusing on how it will make ME feel?
The more you keep the focus on YOU, and not on trying to manipulate or change others, the more likely things will be successful and work out the way you want them to. To me, standing 1000 miles away, the idea of putting clutter out of the way into an empty room is a no brainer, but I don't know the dynamics of your household, I don't know you, and I don't know your roommates. You DO know all these things, so, examine your motives, and if they are not really pure, better to wait a bit, until you can come up with a solution that is free of the need to control others.
I understand what you want to do. I dont know your roomates as you do. We all have choices and yours are to help make more room. If you feel they would be angery if you do i you can always tell them you would like more room and you would like their help and if they dont want to help , you could tell them you could do it yourself if they dont care. I know people dont always want anyone messing with their stuff so this would be a way to find out how they feel about having more room. I know at my meetings we have a group conscience and it works. At my house we kind of do the same thing and we usually agree. Hope this helps.
I'm considering all of the things that you have said. I'm not asking anyone to help me. I'm not doing it for recognition. I'm not moving anything that belongs to anyone else. I'm simply providing the space.As a matter of fact, I don't intend to use it. I don't have any storage need. However I'm sick of looking at clutter all over my house. I fell like for far too long I"ve let nothing happen bacuase I've been concerned about what other people want.
I feel like this is my house and I'm gonna make me happy and if they don't like it they can take action to change it.
You can control what u do and if your willing to pay for it go for it , do what makes u happy then at least one of the 3 will be happy. hehe But get your stuff stored away quick cause they will think what u ahve done is awsome and will be sure to be fighting for space. Ha ! go for it . Louise
For me when dealing with others I need time to process my own reactions to what I do. I know with the A I spent years dealing with that he is not really that interested in me or my life. He never will come home for work and ask how was your day. He may have done that initially in our relationship but that went out the window a long time ago. His lacking of caring and connection can sometimes trigger me off.
I have to have tools to process how other people's actions affect me. One is that I have learned here is not to be in conflict all the time. Another is to be boundaried and clear on what is my side of the street. I live in a communal situation with an A who is very messy. I am left to do all the cleaning and organizing. If I don't clean it affects my health (I have asthma).
For me there are limits on what I can do and what I can't do. I once over compensated. I was the one who paid for everything that came into the house to make it more homely. I have stopped buying stuff to make the house better because after all it is "our" house. I have also stopped entertaining his friends. I think there is a balance somewhere and finding it is hard work but I am willing to experiment.
Your issue really resonated with me it is a common theme for me in living with others and in dealing with making a home. Currently I have goals for my own space and communal spaces but it is a very reasonable one. I think my goals before were to over compensate for the fact that I was not getting what I neede out of the relationship. I was not being grounded and I paid a price for that. One of my core goals is to go through my stuff and get rid of everything I do not need. At some point I will probably leave the A so why take a bunch of junk with me.
