The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A husband of 5 years left Monday night screaming at me. Sent an email that he wants a divorce. Have not heard from him since. I am unable to go to work, and am stressed about my job being there when I get back. Hub was court ordered into counseling which ins. will not pay for, and he can't afford the house pmt. and the counseling both, plus ins. and taxes which are due this month. He has been unhappy with me for a long time. I dearly love him, but he is very ill, as am I. He from alcohol, and me from living with it. I want to die. I am so lonely.
Don't know what to do, whether to help him out with the counseling pmt. just like I would help out with any other medical bills, (and he would do so with me, too, if I needed), or if I should make the house payment, or try to pay the tax and insurance...I am so confused. I can't afford any of it, since I am so upset I cannot work. He said he hated me. I don't think we can work it out anymore. I cannot live without him. He is the love of my life, the only man I've really cared for.
I feel stuck, they say when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Wait. Well, I've been in that mode for too long now, and things are getting desperate. I have put a few things in a storage place I rented. I just cannot accept that it is over. One minute I'm taking pictures off the wall, and the next minute I'm wallowing on the floor screaming in pain.
Becky, I am sorry you are hurting so much. It is a very painful situation to be in. Know that we are here for you and care about you very much. You are not alone.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
You know as painful as this is you have choices. It's not easy but try to think of yourself and do the things you need to do for your own best welfare. Will making the house payment keep a roof over your head? If so, choose what is best for YOU. You did not put your husband in the position he is in, he did, it's his responsibility to find the money for the court ordered counseling. It is best to allow him the respect to solve his own problems and not be bailed out of the situation. Going back to work may be very difficult but it will at least keep you partially distracted from what is happening. The slogan is true that says : When I got busy I got better. I've seen it work in my own life. We all have feelings that cripple us sometimes, but we also have the choice to tell ourselves "This too shall pass" and to do and be the best we possibly can in these times. "Just for today" for this minute if necessary.
I hope you have sunshine today..take a walk, try to pull it together. Ask yourself what can I do for myself? Mentally? Physically? Try to step out and do one good thing, one strong thing if you can muster it up. I bet you can!! We have been tough enough to live with A's, we are tough enough to do for ourselves what we would easily do for another.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me I completely rested. Then started doing a litte at a time. When I began getting control in my life, I felt better. Just the fact I made sure I ate right, went to work started making sure I was ok, made me feel better.
I found I could get my life together, my own home, vehicle etc got me my own security.That did not mean I could not see my husband again either. In fact it makes it easier becuz I don't depend on him for anything.
I am sure your local health dept has some kind of counseling he can get into. There are also alcohol and drug programs based on income. That is up to him.
Even if you pay he may not go.
Anyway take care of you. Allow him the dignity to take care of himself.
I can very much relate to your issues. I have had them many times. I have many many times in the past year taken money I did not have to keep a roof over our heads. My A refuses to acknowledge this. I have worn myself into the ground with the kind of crises he creates.
I am sure there are domestic violence agencies you can go to in your area that can help you with the finance issue of who and how to pay for the treatment. No one is supposed to be homeless because they are court ordered to counselling. I believe there are always payment plans you can come up with. There are solutions, A's tend to live in black and white worlds there is a shade of grey.
I can also relate very very much to being so depressed and feeling so abandoned you cannot go to work. I can very much understand that. I have spent many a day in bed totally devastated by some action the A has taken. I also got extremely depressed. I eventually did find counselling that helped. Being in these rooms helped tremendously There are many many many people here who will be there for you if you go to chat. You do not need to be alone with this.
I know for me it is the braille method of taking care of myself. I set goals. I set intentions I set times for self care. I let the A take care of himself. He may always in and out of crisis I do not need to be in and out of them with him.
I can understand this is a very very difficult time for you. Do you ever call a crisis line. I do that if I feel particularly in anxiety or despair. Generally I have found solace there. If you are in a particular crisis and feel so much despair you feel you may harm yourself I urge you to call and keep calling different ones until you feel you are out of a danger zone. You could for example call the suicide prevention in the next town then go to the one in the next town if you do not feel better when the time is up. You are worth caring. And you can of course always come into chat and tell the people there that you are feeling "at risk".
I hope you will continue to update people here on how you are doing I have many many many times come into chat feeling at the end of my rope. People there have counselled, validated and understood me. That has been an immesurable support to me Their acceptance helped me tremendously with my shame.
All of us here care about you. I'm so sorry to hear how sad and lonely you feel. With time, it will get better. Your husband is sick and there is nothing you can do to make it better. Take care of yourself and get yourself together. That is one thing you can do. As far as the bills go, can you get some help from social services or an agency like that until you can work again and get caught up? I wouldn't pay for his counseling bills; that is his own problem and he needs to handle that himself. You have the house payment and other bills to worry about. Take care.
know that we are here for you and love you as you got through this crazy, mind numbing time. the wonderful thing about this room is that it is open 24/7 and so when you are at your lowest we are here for you.
Be gentle with you. Know that you have a guardian angel that is looking after you
