The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Topic of discussion last night was divorce... (or not)
I find myself saying that since you don't think your drinking causes a problem here at the house, here are the things that I struggle with and blame on the alcohol.
- You don't believe what I say I feel, how I see things happen or what my intentions are when I try to express that to you.
- You tell me you want things or want me to do things then get mad when I do it or get them for you.
- You don't respect that I have an opionion on anything that can differ from yours - ie you are offended, hurt because my opionions vary from yours.
Saving our marriage would require that I work on a list of other things (I really do need to change, even if it's just for me), and you would have to agree to try and get better at these.
Ok....... So I'm saying this and already thinking... what an idiot. This is like asking a cancer patient not to hurt, right?
.... it's a catch 22. She's my wife and I feel like I should be able to work with her to make our lives better. But I can't do that because she is an A. She wants to know what's bugging me... Well we fight all the time because she's an A. Ok so now I am just calling her names. <arghh>
I am never harsh about it. I explane that I 'think' this is a problem and it's a disease and not her per say that is causing the chaos. It doesn't help. I see her self esteem going down the toilet and she wavers between saying I deserve better and screaming I am f***ing a$$hole.
I guess I just don't have the hang of this yet... 15-20 years you would think I would have a better handle on it. <sigh>
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
hello texas your trying to understand a disease that you don't have and your never going to truly understand . What we need to do is figure out how this disease is affecting our lives and change what we can , our attitudes. Being disrespetful to her only makes u both feel bad. You cannot shame her in to quitting , threats don't work ,tears do't work and ultimatums don't work.as I am sure u have figured out by now. Our insanity is doing all of the above over and over again thinking this time they will hear it and change.
Alcoholics in recovery call this disease cunning baffling and powerful ,so we are never gonna figure it out .
Please find some al anon meetings for yourself ,u will learn to detach with love and find a way to accept her jsut as she is . There is nothing u can do about her but alot u can do for yourself , and u don't have to leave your marriage to do it. good luck Louise
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Trying to work out a relationship with an active A can be impossible. I had to get help. I sought out a therapist that assisted me in what to say and how and when to say it. I know you are struggling. But I also can see in your posts how much you care and what a good person you are. Hopefully you can find a way to cope.
You are all right. I really try to be very diplomatic about the whole thing, never pointing the finger at her, but very frustrated with all the anger in her. When she drinks she can be very mean. She accused me of talking to her like a manager... (Ocupational hazzard... I manage 60 software developers. LOL )
She probably does find what I'm saying as disrespectful... Never really thought of if that way.
I am going to try and find a meeting... maybe during lunch that I can go to. I obviously am not doing anything right at this point. I don't really want her to know I'm going since she doesn't think she has a problem. That would surely cause more conflict right now.
Thanks for the words as always.
BTW "Just me", I do love her very much and tell her so often. - Thanks
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know there came a point when I stoped asking why? Why do you do this, why don't I count, why are you lying, why are you hurting me? With the help of Al-anon and working on me I learned that learned behaviors can't be unlearned and new things can be learned....I hurt less now, I like myself a lot more. There are boundaries now and not just threats.....what are you doing right now to take care of you? Be gentle with yourself. Hang in there.
You're not stupid at all.... there is a reason, at the beginning of Al-Anon meetings, that they typically say the phrase "living with active alcoholism is more than most of us can handle", as it is VERY difficult, and quite easy to get twisted and distorted looks at the world.... This is exactly why we need to reach out, to ask questions, to share, to learn..... What you are going through right now is very common, AND very frustrating....
If possible, try cutting yourself a little slack here.... one other saying I like to use - "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time". You are exactly where you are supposed to be in YOUR recovery in this whole thing.... As you read, share, attend meetings, etc., the answers, for you, will become clearer...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
